Embarrassed

[Chava]

Wow, good work @KwanYingirl ! I don't have "memories" or like stories really but sort of still images and I don't really connect to that little girl (I am also separate from this little girl in some nightmares). BUT I definitely feel about 5 in therapy sometimes (just averaging from baby to about 6, but usually it's around this age in posture and quietness). Not because I'm afraid of my therapist but like I've dropped some perfectly adult version that is confident and aloof on the surface. So that's a step (taken a few years and I barely move beyond this...but I did seem to work backwards from young adulthood to early childhood and this is where I'm really sort of stuck).

Share something little and step back. I love the image of a snail and how if you even get close it sort of reflexes into its shell. But look, I has a stik!!!! Keep us posted. Only tell what feels right, but if you're feeling safe and on a roll, that's great.

 

[seedling]

EMDR has helped me with the shame, as well. I don't get stuck in the ruts for as long. I think I'm going to come right up against it down the road though, I'm working on my first memory, almost at the end of processing it after 5 weeks.

My feeling of embarrassment carries a stinging feeling with it. Pinned to the wall and exposed. A little different than the deep, dragging, swampy "I'm so bad" shame feeling.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hi all. Well, I disclosed three of my most haunting assaults. These three visit me most often as intrusive memories or flashbacks to aspects of them. It was physically difficult to relive sensations. My therapist said enough for today. Next we will talk about the negative beliefs connected to these experiences. And eventually use EMDR to bid them inert. I dissociated and was able to get present and he said the most amazing thing is that I wasn't watching the extra chair in the room that I always used to sense my Grandfather was there to keep me quiet. I felt a lot of body memories and thanks to Geodone I didn't cry.

It was a relief to finally share it with someone, but I was not fit to drive home. I suddenly forgot how to drive.

All in all, I am closer to getting EMDR. The body memories are the worst thing.

No regrets. I want to be rid of the shame I carry. One thing I'll share is that he bathed me after molesting me at age 5 and I've never taken a bath since. Powerful image. My therapist said EMDR can help with this artifact.

 

[joeylittle]

Good job, @KwanYingirl. That is a really big thing you've accomplished. Really, really good work!

 

[seedling]

I'm so glad for you! What an accomplishment. :tup:

 

[seedling]

I'm glad that your therapist is moving forward in a way to facilitate EMDR in the future. He's careful to go about it patiently in a proper way instead of rushing it and risking a negative outcome.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@seedling. Thank you for your support!! I chose my therapist because he was recommended by a well regarded client of mine and she had EMDR. I've been seeing him for 11/2 years and he's still preparing me for it. He's always telling me "first I do no harm" which freaks me out a little. I'm glad to hear you say it's good that he is being careful. I am proud to say that I only dissociated once when I disclosed several events. I am trying to tolerate distress without checking out. Yin Yoga and Reiki are helping me retrain my brain to "come back to the breath" in other words-no racing thoughts.

I'm still embarrassed by what I told him though.

 

[KwanYingirl]

So @seedling. What can happen with EMDR if it's rushed?

 

[seedling]

I am proud

Hooray! What a great feeling. And: so you should be!

The only things I've read about what can go wrong with EMDR is from reading older threads on this site. People going to see an EMDR therapist and having the therapist do it with them in the first few appointments - flooding, more symptoms afterwards, increased flashbacks.

It made me cautious with my new therapist. We have gone on to the EMDR treatments rather quickly but I've been in therapy for almost 5 years and was able to do the homework she had me do (write down memories, rate negative cognitions and match them to the memories). She said "we will see if you get bogged down." I haven't, as we are proceeding. I also know that she is skilled in other types of therapy if that's what I need at any point. Sometimes I talk for almost half the session if I'm having a difficult time with a current situation.

She follows a procedure each time, rates my distress levels as we go and seems to be alert to what's coming up for me. She said the memory we started with had more than she expected but that it's fundamental and will lay the groundwork for later on.

So, that your therapist is concerned to go slow - that's a good thing.

That embarrassment - how it clings!

 

[seedling]

Here's one small thing that's happened to me that seemed connected to the EMDR:

My memory I'm working on is of walking to school by myself at age 4. I hit the point where I can't see my house anymore and I am so afraid. My legs feel like lead (this is during the EMDR sequence).

Then, at home a few days later, I go outside after dark to tend the furnace around the back of the house. As I go out the front door I hear some kind of animal down in the woods (fox?). I go back inside and tell my husband, then go out again. I get around the house where it's dark and all of a sudden I have that raw 4 yr old fear again and I stand there. I think that I should be able to keep going but this irrelevant fear has taken over, I can't move forward, and I know I have to go back inside. I go in and tell my husband I'm too scared to go out by myself. I take the dog with me and then I'm fine.

It's a sense of having more raw, on-the-surface feelings. Not constantly, but coming up in odd moments like that. In a way I like that the emotion seems so out of place at the time. I still feel it strongly but I am also impatient with it because it doesn't belong. The EMDR has brought it up, but it has also relegated it to its place in the past.

 

[Chava]

I've never done EMDR and don't think I want to for my stuff, but keep us posted. I see a new psych tomorrow...have no idea what it will be like. I think focus on managing pain. I feel a little less embarrassed because pain is less today (finally coming out of a bad spell a bit). But I still plan to wear 8,000 layers and try to be comfortable. If I don't trust her I will get stuck on track of talking about work all the time. If I trust her I won't talk. So I'm screwed, but hoping to see if I've actually gained a little middle ground in between. I think I can talk about the pain itself and what I notice and sort of how it keeps me depressed and trapped maybe. Eh, f*ck it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hang in there @Chava I know all about avoiding talking about my abuse and even PTSD symptoms. Sometimes there are current life events and conflicts I need help negotiating (sometimes I need my therapist to fix my iPhone). Anybody working with us is used to avoidance tactics. If they're any good, they have the patience of Job. Your pain and depression are real barriers to your overall functioning. You'd enjoy your life and friends better if you felt better. But you are the boss of your story and treatment. Perhaps just holding off judgement for a few sessions since there has to be allowances for getting settled with someone. I know it takes time for me to trust and I think that's a central difficulty with PTSD. She knows that-well she should anyway. Maybe she'll be the one bright light in your journey!!!!