Embarrassed

[Chava]

Well, that was crap. The therapist canceled my appointment within a few minutes because I am currently working with another therapist (though current therapy is trauma focused and this would be pain focused, like focus on major symptoms since it's the closest thing my doctor or I could find in my shitty new insurance network). I wanted to use this little transition period to see if this new therapist and approach would be a good fit but she doesn't want to see me until I am done with current therapy (which honestly, I'd rather continue but I'm not sure that will be possible). She wants me to take a bunch of written assessments and do a treatment plan.

I'm not angry at her, that's just the process. But I'm angry I traveled and took leave from work. Besides, I haven't felt very good about any of this anyway so I think I'm just going to be done with therapy. Maybe if symptoms become totally unmanageable or I really want to kill myself, hopefully I have the guts to just accept whatever half-assed help I can find in my network. I just don't want to "start over" and not even feel good about it from the very beginning. I was able to ask a few questions but it was clear she wanted to just cancel quickly so I start over with a real appointment when I'm out of current therapy. I don't feel like I understand the approach and I just don't feel good about it. Behavior-focused. Plastic chairs, set up like I'm meeting with my tax person. Accepting I'm a chronic pain patient, making modifications to my life, etc. ?? (this is NOT a duplication of trauma therapy, damn it!...I was sort of hoping to do both). She mentioned, based on doctor's notes, that my body seems to be a trigger. Nice if someone understands that. But I was really loathing this anyway. F*CK IT. I see a new doctor soon and hopefully that's a little helpful. I have more questions for that doctor...meds, etc. I need to just accept where I'm at and stop feeling f*cked in the head by all of this. It's not helpful. That was a bad start. Normally I'd feel very stupid after an appointment like this, but I'm just thinking, "yep, I'm done." Going back in my shell where it's quiet.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry it was a disappointment Chava. Have you ever been to a pain clinic?

 

[Chava]

No. We don't have one in my area, but this pain psych would be sort of the person most likely to help, along with appropriate physician, meds, and physical therapy. I'll follow through with the new physician.

It would be easier to end my current therapy if I felt like I had something lined up for support that makes sense. Not similar trauma therapy but something that at least felt like it made sense. I just don't. So I have to shrink back without numbing out. I don't want to be a chronic pain patient. I actually do better learning to listen to my body but also think that I can get beyond this...not that I am permanently changed somehow. Or I don't feel like looking at it that way right now. No thanks.

Burned out.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity on top of my other trauma problems. There is little known about this disorder. Mine was the result of being overexposed to darkroom chemicals. It made my PTSD go ballistic. Lots of body reactions to everyday chemicals.

I went to see if this psychiatrist at Brigham and Womens hospital in Boston. His name is Arthur Barsky and he is devoted to the mind-body connection. He's researched it in many spheres. He did a study on people with MCS. So at the time I lived in NH and the shrinks were all crackpots. I met with him and he said he wanted me to get a psychiatrist near me because at the time I saw him I was a trembling mess very suicidal and he just didn't want me so far away.

He wrote a book -Google him if interested in the book. His main area of study is somatoform disorders. I don't know where you live, but his book might help you. It's on Amazon. I forget the title. It is a six week program to reduce physical pain. So it has exercises to do. He is a very kind man. If I lived in Boston, he'd be my guy. At Brigham and Womens there is always a special interest in Womens health. Just food for thought.