Enablers of abuse - why do they do it?

[Applecore]

In my experience? The people who enabled my abuse had simply bought into the narrative that justified the abuse. Nothing more complicated than that.

They were not particularly unwell, they were not always victims of abuse themselves, they were not particularly narcissistic. They just bought the narrative that I deserved/needed to be treated that way.

What was the narrative that justified the abuse, and what caused them to buy into the narrative that justified the abuse?

 

[Sideways]

What was the narrative that justified the abuse, and what caused them to buy into the narrative that justified the abuse?

With my parents, my mum and dad are 2 peas in a pod. Always have been. Had a a very particular way that he engaged with his children, and came with a lot of baggage about girls and the youngest child in particular. My mum agrees with him emotionally, so she agreed with him behaviourally. It was more about their relationship with each other than ‘what kind of a person was my mum’ (who was the enabler).

With my primary abuser, it was his wife. And his other devotees. They bought his bullshit rhetoric about god and gardens of eden and shit. And I just happened to be the particular vessel that he was abusing that year.

To be honest, I’m not sure that the word ‘narcissist’ has any meaning to me any more. It’s now used to describe anyone who doesn’t prioritise my needs over their own needs. I don’t buy into that. Beyond that, it gets adapted to fit pretty much anyone abusive. Which is ridiculous, and most often missing the point.

My mum is a pretty self-assured person. So was my abuser’s wife. They both put my abuser’s desires and dogma ahead of my needs, but it wasn’t a reflection of some deep seated insecurity, it was just they really worshipped their partner, and I happened to be the fallout of that.