Enabling Reactions And Empathy.

[saffy]

That maybe I was dealing with it in a way that would be best suited for me (if in their place) and not maybe what would be best for them.

I know what you mean by this. I find it interesting that you mention projecting. I was looking for an answer to something about this.

I was wondering what it is exactly.

For me, when I empathise with someone I assume they must be feeling the same way I would If I experienced it. However, being very over sensitive makes it confusing.

I can put myself in their shoes but my emotional reaction about it might be magnified when compared to what they are actually feeling

Because of this I can also sometimes assume that the person is actually hiding their true feelings about it, when really they are not feeling anything as near as I would feel about it.

Does that make sense?

Is this projection?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

Does that make sense? Is this projection?

Hi Saffy,

I am no expert but I think it is. Empathy is when we feel sympathy and actually feel the feelings that someone else is feeling. If they are actually feeling something else then we are putting our feelings onto them so it can't be empathy.

Realising that caused me shame at first but it also helped free me when I realised that. One thing it helped with is truly absorbing the fact that others who have hurt me probably did not have the same internal experiences that I would have in their place. If they just don't feel for the person then it probably means less if that makes sense. It somehow makes it less personal to me. Some people are just not easily moved and have very little compassion for others and may not have the ability to have empathy at all.

I read once that being a sensitive child is one of the survival responses to living in a less than safe environment. If we are overtuned into the nuances of what others may be feeling then it helps us preempt actions and stay safer. It can just also be a very painful way of being. And as you said we possibly waste energy necessarily.

 

[Sailorgal]

Slowly I am finding I am more able to avoid just getting swallowed up in the emotions and the empathy to such an extent that I become blind. And that I can sometimes make choices that are painful when it is in the persons best interests; and in mine too.

I am glad that you are gaining a greater sense of awareness. Sometimes it depends on the person/situation too. When it's someone dear to us or something we have a bias towards, it blinds us as well in decisions we make.

Sometimes the "safe" approach is the don't "assume" one. :)

 

[christinemargaret]

"Overturned into the nuances" I used to believe I have an expert BS detector; my intuition so precise I could know another's pain. My goal then was to help them see the error of their ways and/or alleviate their pain. I realized the other day while writing a letter to my bf regarding his part in our dysfunction, this was avoidance projection and coersion in adult form. I was behaving exactly like my older siblings did with me with their nearly daily sexual, physical and verbal abuse ending with me coerced into admitting blame for their actions. I see it is a need for some sense of control in my life as it was for them. Shameful yes very.

I love this thread. A learned survival technique, a maladaptive survival technique for sure.

Thanks Abstract Thanks Saffy.

 

[christinemargaret]

And Sailorgal!

 

[safenow]

I used to have a bad habit of overstepping my bounds. For instance, I have/had a friend. She really liked to keep a very clean house. It bothered her when it was untidy. She contracted fibromyalgia and was in pain constantly. So much so, that her house was never clean again, and it made her very angry. It changed her personality. Anyway, her husband used to complain that since the doctor's couldn't find anything wrong with her she was just lazy. It was so hard on her.

One day, I went over to see her, and she was in a lot of pain. I encouraged her to go lie down, and did some massage and oil treatments. She managed to fall asleep. While she slept I cleaned her house. I gathered up her laundry and ironing and put it in my car, did it when I got home. I did her dishes, and even started dinner for her and her husband. I dusted and put fresh cut flowers in the living room for her. When her husband came home, he was really surprised. I told him he should have been doing things around the house to help her. Like maybe doing dishes when she as hurting to bad to do them. Putting his laundry in the washing machine and such. Then I left (she was still sleeping).

I brought back her laundry and freshly ironed clothing the next day, and she was very angry with me. She thought I was telling her that she had a dirty house. When the reality is, I thought I was helping. It was months before she would even talk to me again. I did learn a valuable lesson, I can offer to help, but when they say no, I need to step back and wait for them to tell me how I can help.

I try to now only answer a question, rather than jumping in and commenting. (which is what I'm doing right now, aren't I?)
sorry.

 

[christinemargaret]

Safe now yes we all should check our intentions now and then. Sometimes I think I need to be silent for 6 mos to get a grasp on what's behind my words. Right now I'm dissecting everything I say in fear it is driven by dysfunction. I'm far off from now and then. Which brings me to my point. Sometimes we say or do from a place of integrity and it is taken as offensive. Other times our past is fueling our actions and we are thanked. If when we can say our intentions came from love and compassion and they are not well received, it may just be on the other person. Not saying to ignore other's reactions or wishes. These are, instead, moments to gain understanding.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Safenow I think that was a no boundaries problem. I did something like that once too. I have a overdeveloped empathy gene. it has been destroying me with my husband. For the first time I am living with a very healthy detachment from him and am not enmeshed anymore.

When he is suffering his hallucinations and delusions and falsely accusing me of things, I calmly tell him that I understand and he calms down. He feels heard and believed which is all he really wants. I am doing so much better in this area.

I love this thread. It has been very enlightening and educational.

 

[saffy]

HI All

It is so interesting to read about all our stories and how we all, at some time, can wade in uninvited.

IF, like me, you like to help people I think you have to remember why you are doing it. IS it to save them? It it to boost your own ego or esteem? Is it to take over because you feel they are incapable? Is it because you just wanted to do something nice for them?

If your motives are genuine then you can rise above their negative responses to help in a way because it was genuinely just to help and make them feel better. Sometimes this is misconstrued or taken the wrong way, but that is because of their own issues of accepting help or realising motives.

Safenow, she will come around to realise that your motives were genuine and not to discredit her at all. Her Pride can be a damaging thing eh ;)

I think it is so easy to empathise with others then offer them the help that we feel we would want if going through the same thing. Unfortunately this does not always work out and sometimes it does.

On the other hand I think this can also be why some of us get so frustrated when others are not empathic to our needs and offer to help us in a way we would want and would help them if the boot was on the other foot, so to say. We start accusing them of not caring or not understanding. We start turning that on ourselves that nobody cares and we are not worth it. Sometimes we also accuse them of being selfish and self absorbed or even worse.

Some people are selfish, self absorbed etc but some are not and just stand back and wait until you want and/or ask for help. Sometimes we are just too proud to ask or accept it ;)

The mind is certainly a powerful thing.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

On the other hand I think this can also be why some of us get so frustrated when others are not empathic to our needs and offer to help us in a way we would want and would help them if the boot was on the other foot, so to say. We start accusing them of not caring or not understanding.

I had to stay in bed for four years recently, and have really only been out of that bed for maybe a year or a year and a half. All that time, I kept asking the few people I saw to see if they could get me some help to clean my apartment.

I'm allergic to dust, and it was so bad I had to have oxygen 24/7. But no one came. The only times I seemed to get better was the trips to the hospital. Then, I decided, once I got out of the bed, I was going to do the cleaning myself. And I began to get healthier. The cleaner the house, the healthier I got. Woo Hoo. I think that's why I am so shocked now that I am getting the help I ask for.

OH well, that was then, this is now. And I must admit, I like now a lot.

Thank you for the words, Saffy. You hit them right on the head.

 

[saffy]

OH well, that was then, this is now. And I must admit, I like now a lot.

Me too Safenow. I am glad you are up and about too. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[winterose]

Great thread. I come from trying to show that I care because of the whole reason most of us are here the difference between saying you care and showing it. Then I find myself in front of someone accusing me, I'm trying to be controlling or that I didn't think that person was good enough to do a b c themselves. Which then I get frustrated because I am not doing what they accuse then I feel stupid or selfish for not thinking through things more. It is hard to find the middle ground so what I try to do is open up communication to someone and ask if I can help in someway by naming one specific thing. This way they have a choice to accept the help or not.