Envy? Jealousy? Resentment?

[theotherside]

Im not sure where to post this...just wondering what im feeling when i see people doing well. Successful, normal, pretty. Shiny happy people...it just like hits me hard..like wow just makes me feel like so broken and defective and hopeless. What is this im feeling? Part of my ptsd? Or something else? Can i fix this? And how??

I feel so horrible next to my partner...because they could do so much better..

When i was a small child i felt this way about other families..like the kids played sports, good grades, parents were interacting in healthy ways with kids..but i didnt have that.

This went away for a long time and its only recently since delayed onset ptsd that im back here feeling like this...

 

[theotherside]

And to clarify..i dont mean people with ptsd doing well..i just mean people in general that have thier stuff together...but would never wish bad on them...its just somehow it just makes me feel worse about myself...and it is just pathetic..and i want more from life and better for my kids..

 

[Nam]

It's an empty pit, that feeling.

I've been accused of having it together. My jaw was on the floor. Really? I didn't know what to say.

When I was diagnosed with delayed onset ptsd, it was like the rug got yanked from under me and I fell into a different place. I was scared, frozen. I felt no control at all. With time, the panic does ease. You will find your feet and stand again.

Try to remember that any one of those perfect people would feel just like you if they endured the same trials.

 

[Glara]

Also remember that even without PTSD many of these people have similar feelings and fears. People may look fine on the e surface. And there really may be some "normal" well adjusted folks out there. But what I've come to learn is that most people, families etc have some issues. They may hide it from the world, but it's there. Like in the movie "the breakfast club". Those kids all came to learn that they all had issues and pressures and none of their lives were as the appeared.

 

[theotherside]

Thanks so much Nam, i cant wait to have a little of my life back. Mostly just to be able to go to the store, take my kids to the park, be ok with some social interactions...

 

[theotherside]

Glara, i understand that everyone has problems...i just get these feelings and i dont know why or how to fix it. I was always able to function and make a life for myself. Now i cant even go to my own backyard.i feel so broken...im very early on this road so im sure it will get better...i do love breakfast club..so hard to pick a favorite character in that movie..thanks for giving me something to smile about

 

[Glara]

@theotherside I don't have ptsd either. I just wanted to remind you that even though not everyone has suffered severe trauma that causes them to be damaged, their lives probably aren't as shiny and happy as they look.

 

[joeylittle]

I struggled to find the right word for this, in myself. I call the feeling covetous. It's not that I am jealous of their happiness, I am glad they are happy; it's not that I resent (that's basically the definition of being jealous), Envy again to me implies that I think bad thoughts about them - and really, most of the time, I don't.

(Let's be real: when I'm not practicing good mental health and someone gets something that I really wish I had, of course I feel jealousy, resentment, envy - but those feelings are so gross and not who I am that I just break down whatever is happening in me that is somehow making my problem about them, if that makes sense)

Covet. I covet what they have. I want it - not to take it away from them, but to have my own of it. Covet means "to want something you do not have". So, that's my word.

 

[theotherside]

That feels better..
I don't want to take anything away, and im glad people are happy...
But yeah i guess it all just somehow reminds me of how everything sucks right now
So covet? Great, now im breaking commandments..haha
Its not objects that i covet..its happiness. Being carefreee, confidence, assertiveness, and more...

 

[joeylittle]

Me too, @theotherside. Sometimes for me it's objects. As in, there is an apartment I'm renting right now that I wish I owned. But mostly, it's experiences, human connections, opportunities to feel things.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I heard this talk recently and really connected with the ideas in it about envy.

http://www.ted.com/talks/parul_sehgal_an_ode_to_envy

 

[theotherside]

Thanks i enjoyed reading and listening to that :)