Expecting Sex (rant)

[Meadowsweet]

An after thought, from re-reading page 3 of this thread
Meadowsweet said: ↑
That's the differentiation i make between victim (ie helpless) and being responsible for helping yourself.

I was trying to say that I don't believe complaining supporters are victims however, if your partner does not want sex you are then somewhat 'helpless' in changing their mind (as only they can do that) so where does that leave you based on the quote above.........................????

I hadn't seen this as it was added later. You are right that if somebody is refusing sex, then it is them who has the mind to change. We never know what has gone on before a person has refused sex, or how the the couple have been approaching sex up until that point.

That is why, the best advice to couples in that stale-mate situation is often for both of them to find therapy.

When I have gone in to sexual relationships, I have gone into them because I feel sexually attracted to the man. At the moment, I am feeling those feelings stirring within me again (which is why I'm addressing this now). I think for me, what changed in those relationships is a mixture of things, 1) as I said in my last post, the men I have had relationships with didn't approach sex with love, sensitivity or a desire to really get to know me and what I find fulfilling or what turns me on. 2) Maybe because of, or maybe despite of him, I dissociate emotionally during sex, so I've never really tried to give my own input, I've always done what pleases him. That combination ultimately leaves me feeling unfulfilled sexually and emotionally. So the person that I was once attracted to, no longer turns me on, but in turn, they haven't been particularly bothered about whether I enjoy it or not. By that time, the woman is caught and they can have it when they want, without the effort of trying to attract her as they did in the beginning.

That is something that happens often in 'normal' relationships. In the UK, it's a common lighthearted butt of comedy - to the boys "once your married you're lucky if you get it once a month", or to the girls, "that's 10 minutes to plan next weeks shopping list". But, when somebody has experienced sex through force, to have sex when they don't want it is much more difficult to cope with.

With a partner that understands that, it might only take a couple of times of her saying no, and him showing her that it's ok to do that, and to perhaps begin courting and trying to attract her again. When that communication and understanding isn't there, then her having sex through fear, or him putting pressure on (rather than turning her on) to have sex, has the potential to ruin a relationship.

My point being, that knowing what each others turn ons and turn offs are (not just sexual), and caring about how the other feels, is what makes a good relationship. Then when a problem arises, a couple needs to work together to overcome it.

 

[intothelight]

Where I've got to in the discussion, is that, in a loving and connected relationship, sex doesn't become an expectation because both partners are interested in each others emotional well being. That harsh expectation or demanding of sex, comes from relationships that don't have that love and connection. That's an important distinction for me to make.

Actually we are in agreement, where we differ is our definition of expectation. I was using in the context of "looking forward to something" or "anticipation of something", but not in a negative light. Please correct me if I am wrong, but you are using expectation in the context as a "expecting something in return", like it is owed and not freely given.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@intothelight , yes, I was using the word expectation in the sense of "in the role of woman, partner, wife, I expect you to have sex when I want you to - it's your job"

Where I've got to, is that, yes I understand that people require sex within a sexual relationship. But it is also a requirement to create a loving, caring and secure relationship to enable the sexual nature of the relationship to be nurtured and grow into something that is pleasurable for both partners.