Other Eye opening diagnosis... and such a relief! panic disorder

[Ellie]

So, over Christmas I ended up finally having my first appointment with a Psychiatrist, who gave me a full 1 hour consultation and sent me one week later a full breakdown of his diagnosis.

The big crazy thing I discovered, was that he diagnosed me with having Panic Disorder, with 'probable' PTSD.

This has been MIND blowing for me, as it now explains why the PTSD treatment alone never helped me to overcome my most debilitating symptoms, which were the constant panic attacks and hyperventilation.

Since then I have been having the appropriate treatment from my therapist, as well as being able to utilise Panic Disorder relevant self help techniques, which have made a VAST difference to my daily life. Instead of avoiding everything, I am now finding little by little, by facing my fears, I am gaining confidence and losing the fear. Its baby steps but life feels different now. I feel hope in a way I couldn't find it before.

I know I still have the PTSD, and I can now see when I'm having a PTSD trigger as opposed to a Panic Disorder trigger. I'm able to see the difference between being triggered by an EVENT that mimics the event of my past trauma, and being triggered by an irrational fear (basically agoraphobia).

The whole development of my panic disorder makes so much more sense to me also. I had had a HORRIFIC pregnancy, with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness for months to the point I was in hospital on a drip with potential kidney/liver failure etc), then my digestive system basically shut down due to the fact I hadn't eaten for so long, after which my daughter was born in an emergency situation whereby she was drawn out by forceps in a violent way. My body pretty much shut down in the weeks following this and I ended up in hospital again with what they thought was swelling in my brain (?!) having MRI scans etc. NIGHTMARE! Accompanying this my mother became severely dependant on me during this time and nearly mentally destroyed me (that's not a joke!)...All the build up of stress led to what I now know were panic attacks. I thought I was dying. Literally. And I think because my PTSD was being triggered, my stress levels were at an all time high and I had been ill so much, I basically stopped trusting that my body was ok...thus the development of the panic disorder....

IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW!

It might seem obvious to some, but not knowing you have panic disorder is so disabling because the agoraphobia side of things had gotten so bad that everything from driving in a car, lying down, having a full stomach, exercise or walking too fast, or even just thinking about the 'fear' etc was bringing on symptoms. I now understand that this is panic disorder and even just this knowledge itself has hugely helped these feelings to subside and calm down. I am far from 'fixed' in terms of the panic disorder yet, but I have come on more in the past few weeks than I did in the last year and a half.

Crazy...

Sorry for the huge explosion of thoughts but it feels good to get those written down!

Hugs to the beautiful PTSD community on here xxx

 

[Muted]

That's really awesome @Ellie , it sounds this this is a huge breakthrough for you. I guess I always thought they were the same or that they went together.

 

[Ellie]

Thank you everyone for the support I've had regarding my posts on here.

As a brief update, I've now been reducing my medication slowly but steadily. I had what was for me one of the most important breakthroughs I've had yet this evening.

Since coming down off my meds (benzos... I'm still on Mirtazepine and Quetiapine - Quetiapine to facilitate coming down off the benzos) I've basically been having to face my fear full on, which is basically a phobia of not being able to breathe properly (!) which sounds ridiculous but well panic disorder is not exactly the most logical thing in the world, I am learning...

So today I had yet another entire day of full blown anxiety, panic attacks and hyperventilation (really fun stuff when you have a class of second year university students to teach and a daughter off sick with no child care... so basically I was carrying my 2 year old around whilst teaching in class this afternoon....my boss is actually awesome for allowing this... we have no family where we live and just moved here so it was really nice of him...).

Anyway, tonight I literally forced myself to sit down and start doing the breathing exercise given to me by my therapist. Its called 5-7 breathing. So you breathe in for 5 and breathe out for 7. The important thing is that you are breathing with your diaphragm and not your chest. Somehow, I've gotten so used to chest breathing I just do it automatically when I'm anxious, and somehow for the first time so far, I was able to implement this technique this evening. I can't even begin to express the feeling of watching your panic fade slowly but surely as you breathe correctly.... It was the most beautiful and wonderful feeling I have had in a very long time. Usually I am only able to achieve this feeling from taking a benzo. This was literally the first time I've been able to get myself out of it without the help of a drug. And here I am about 3 hours later and I'm still in a relatively calm state. Still doing my diaphragm breathing.

Whether or not I have another relapse tomorrow, or the day after I don't actually care. What I'm starting to learn is actually that I can stop using my safety blankets (benzos, distractions, fidgeting etc) and actually sit and be still and just breathe. And really ENJOY breathing. Don't remember the last time I felt joy whilst breathing haha!

If I can manage to keep this up and keep going in this direction I think I might just be able to get a grasp of my panic disorder. And PTSD without panic disorder is a whole of a lot easier to deal with in daily life than PTSD with panic disorder haha ;P

Fingers crossed. But tbh I don't care, I've done it tonight and fore me that's a huge deal.

Sending peace to everyone xxx

 

[Ellie]

The Panic disorder is still progressing in a really positive direction. From having full blown panic attacks all day pretty much constantly up until January, I am now pretty much panic attack free most of the day on a daily basis. It's a lot of mental work and effort but things are easier every day. Mosntinportantly I'm continuing to stabilise even as I continue to slowly treasure medication, which is really helping me to build confidence in my brain once more...

I can't remember the last time I felt this calm...!

The PTSD also seems at an all time low currently. I had a trigger today, which did set off a lot of my PTSD symptoms: anxiety, sadness, fear of everything falling apart etc but I feel like it doesn't have the same hold it had on me previously. I haven't had a PTSD trigger in several weeks which is how I know I'm doing pretty well currently. It's almost like the level of fear is just diminishing. I'm not afraid of it in the way I have been. I guess that's a positive thing. It feels like a transition from fear of the fear to acceptance of it, and somehow that acceptance and a willingness to embrace it as an important message grom my brain... It's turning my relationship with the PTSD and panic disorder from one of extreme fear and panic, to an understanding of it. For me at least, it's like reaching out and giving that part of my brain a cuddle when I feel those things, instead of trying to run away from it always.

I have been finding it really helpful to visualise it as treading new paths in the sand. So, if the not so helpful neural networks that have been created by panic disorder and PTSD are like pathways in the sand that are unwanted pathways, it's this slow process of smudging out those pathways and treading new ones in response to the triggers...as an artist, there's something really reassuring about that visualisation that I find really helpful when I'm mid trigger: I just say to myself 'whoops, I just accidentally walked down the wrong pathway there, let me step onto the right one again'

Sounds bonkers but works for me ;p

The best part of all this is that my relationships with my daughter and my husband have been able to flourish. I think we are all benefitting from this.

I keep returning here as I find comfort in tracking this process I guess, probably like many of you!

Xx

That should have read reduce not treasure medication! Darn autocorrect!