Family secret - disclosing abuse from within

[Ice_Fire]

One of the hardest pieces of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that a member of your family, a close relative you've known all your life, has abused another, is devastating. I know because I have been on both sides of that coin, both recieving the news and announcing it to my own relatives. For the PTSD sufferer it is one of the bravest but most challenging steps towards recovery. By breaking the silence, unveiling the secret and putting your experiences and your soul out in the open for those you love most to question and hopefully understand, you are healing. The decision to tell family members that you have PTSD - and perhaps more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize over.

What if they don’t believe me? I will create a rift in the family. I am upsetting the apple cart. It’s in the past so there’s no point causing all this heartbreak -- these are only the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer is likely to go through when debating whether to ‘tell’ or not. It is hard enough when the perpetrator is not a member of the family, a friend, maybe, in the case of sexual abuse. But when the abuser and the victim share the same family, it becomes a whole lot messier. Once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, and everyone knows what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, there’s no going back.

So, what if you’re the family member who’s just been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, only to have the get-together blasted into smithereens by your daughter, granddaughter, son, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re silently sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously awaiting your response.

First, engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t know what to think, and the image of both the person in front of you and the person who abused them has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t believe you” will ostricize the sufferer, possibly trigger an emotional flashback, cause them to doubt themselves and their memories and make you the target of anger, frustration and hurt. Maybe you can’t reconcile the image of the accused with the accusation, but that does not mean it didn’t happen. So, think before you speak and don’t undermine the courage it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Second, please, do not go and start a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it out will result in the abuser denying everything, retaliating, possibly attacking the original victim or yourself. If there is evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow, the victim has just lost it.

Third, remember that ‘outing’ an abuser is a very brave decision for the sufferer, and they will be exhausted. A game of 20 questions is not appropriate right now! To have been trusted enough to hear that they have suffered from abuse and developed PTSD because of it puts you in a privileged position. Remember that, and try to refrain from asking about all the details of the abuse, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Some of the answers won’t be clear to the sufferer (hint: especially the last one), and some of them hurt too much to talk about. The time will come where you learn the facts of the trauma and the impact on the sufferer’s life since. Now isn’t it.

Enough of the do not’s. What should you do? Listening is important; being there and taking time to hear the sufferer is the greatest gift you can give them. Maybe the relief of having someone in the family know will result in an outpouring of emotion and grief. Be there for them, and let them know that you are available to talk with, if and when they want. Offer support and give them the safe space they haven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the person with PTSD might completely freak out and not want to say another word. Listening is still important, even in the silence. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to talk, or not talk, ask for help, or not.

Do normal things with this person. Them having PTSD does not define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them out, invite them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and appreciate them for who they are. As with lots of mental illnesses, sometimes socializing seems difficult, but even if you get ignored or rejected, continue inviting them while also letting them know it is okay for them not to join. Compassion and patience is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Chances are the news has come as a shock, and you are now struggling with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, especially if you knew them well and are close to them. It is understandable to be confused and upset, so take a bit of time to process the information. Often it is helpful to talk to someone you know, such as a friend or counsellor, about your feelings. Getting an outside perspective from someone who doesn’t know the abuser or the PTSD sufferer can be useful. It's easy to feel like anything you say or do will be wrong, but honestly, you know the people involved and how to talk to them. Trust that knowledge and instinct.

I can only speak from personal experience, but hopefully there’s a nugget or two of advice in this piece to help you hear about the abuse that can happen within.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I don’t get it. My immediate family knew about it. My immediate family knew about it and “put a stop to it” and thought I forgot about it. When I got into teenage years I remembered. It was my much-older brother and we theoretically worked together! through my teens, but then he got married (to a woman who needed help herself – he would stay up with her, when she had insomnia, because “if she can’t sleep I shouldn’t, either” ??? I can never sleep but would never have asked a partner stay up all night, unless I was really in hysterics). And then he had a baby girl. And now he has a 10 year old girl. And no one will ever know, because we have a “convenient” (ha) “real” traumatic event to reference (sept. 11th. but that is actually after years of suffering already. I mean, the first round explains why the 2nd round hurt me so so badly, but everyone just thinks it is that second thing.
It has to be a secret because of my niece (who is certainly safe, so that is not an issue that might require disclosure).
No one should be envious of anyone else’s life circumstances but I feel really rotten about myself when the extended family thinks I collapsed due to one when I really had collapsed for a whole ‘nother reason.
Does that make sense? I’m sorry. I’m not trying to commandeer this advice. It is good for those who can discuss it. I know when I was a teenager discussing it within the family helped. But then it had to be a secret all over again. Good luck to anyone who is going through this.

 

[Juju41]

I was recently diagnosis with chronic PTSD from over a decade of child abuse. I was also a former foster child. I managed to somehow get myself through nursing school. I didn’t know what to call what was happening to me until recently. I was in and out of hyper viliglance state for decades. I’m just know really starting to talk about the abuse. Sometimes, its unbearable to think of. My therapist is doing neuro feedback and EDMR. I felt suicidal last week. I’m doing better now. I’m reading a book called from surviving to thriving about complex PTSD. Music helps me to cope.

 

[Nicholas Perrett]

I disclosed details of my abuse at the hands of my mother, Step Father and brother to my family. It has lead to all but one of my close relatives rejecting me completely. I have lost everyone that meant anything to me including my daughter, the mother of my grandchildren. So I have lost contact with everyone and have no further relationship with my grandchildren. This has left me devastated and completely without the will to go on. So my advice would be to keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to hear it, nobody wants to care. Life is too busy these days for anyone to be interested in your past. I have now chosen to suffer in silence, because the cost of honesty is far too great.

 

[Ellabella44]

great article. I have been struggling with whether to tell and confront. My mother has been through alot, and though she was my main abuser, I am reluctant to tell because It might leave her without a support system. My husband’s family knows what happened to me since I decided I dont want to hide something I shouldnt be ashamed of. So best thing for myself as well as her and my step dad is to not have contact.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I’ve only been able to disclose my sexual abuse perpetrated by my father to my mother though not my immediate family. Thank goodness she believed me and she’s not violated my trust in sharing. I told her after moving out on my own. She stayed living with my father for several years and circumstances eventually had them living separately and they later divorced. In learning more about my father’s behavior I’ve recognized he has narcissistic traits which would make confronting him very difficult simply because I know he would never take responsibility for the pain his actions inflicted. After I was sexually assaulted in my 20’s I was forced to seek treatment which in looking back, literally saved my life. I can’t even think about where I would be today had I not chosen to seek treatment when I did. I have chosen to heal to the best of my abilities without confronting my father. I will likely write a letter or have some other means of making peace with him moving forward. The ebbs and flows of our relationship have changed dramatically over the years and I’ve learned to include him in my life as much as I can although never too close due to his lack of boundaries and disrespect for who I have evolved into throughout my recovery (a stronger, more assertive, and independent woman) who he’s had trouble interacting with and accepting as a result. My extended family knows I was sexually assaulted although they don’t know about my father’s behavior. Based on how little they’ve supported me through the assault, I can only imagine the lack of support I would receive if I disclosed anything else. It makes me very sad, though I have learned family comes in many forms. My family loves me though only to a certain point and this may be based on how much I’ve chosen to let them do so. I have tremendous admiration for anyone who is able to confront a perpetrator within the family though I don’t feel in my circumstances it would benefit my healing, it would instead isolate me from them even more than I’ve already experienced.

 

[EmmaOwl]

This is almost eerily applicable to what I am going through right now.
The decision to tell family members that you have PTSD – and perhaps more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was – is one that many sufferers agonize over.

 

[Ice_Fire]

My mother has been rejected by her family after I disclosed. Part of me feels guilty but another part doesn’t care. She shouldn’t have abused me and her family recognising that and ostracising her is an outcome of her own making. But it is extremely hard to steel yourself and think like that.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I’ve only been able to disclose my sexual abuse perpetrated by my father to my mother though...

I’m sorry to hear your story. I commend you for keeping in touch with your father (out of choice?), I have cut all contact with my mother (abuser).

Families often have no idea how to react when someone discloses sexual assault; it’s a shame that yours were unsupportive when you disclosed the assault. How they’d react if you told them about your father is always a mystery, but I agree that it likely wouldn’t be great.

Everyone has their own circumstances and journeys of healing, sometimes disclosing is not the right thing to do.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Thank you Ice_Fire. Yes, my contact w/ dad has been primarily by choice. I think part of it is I’ve had so many significant losses throughout my life that I can’t bare to go through one such as that. I know if I completely detached from him, it would have a damaging effect on my relationships w/ my existing sibling and mom. I have so much insight as to why things played out the way they did, that parts of me have been willing to forgive rather than forget. I’ve gone through periods of having love for my dad for the good ways he’s contributed to my life, but those other scars run so deep. Abuse inflicted by a parent can be so complex but I’m just grateful I’ve been given the grace needed to heal. Thanks for your support!

 

[lindyq]

Funny I ran across this post tonight. Tomorrow my daughter is going the the state police for them to monitor a call she will be making to attempt to get my mother’s husband to admit that he sexually abused her when she was a child. My mother ” her grama” has know n about it for a couple of years and all she will say is some one should have told her sooner and still expects us to drink the poison of her husband presence. My daughter and I both suffer from on going child abuse and he is still abusive. My daughter is 29 by the way. My mother’s husband is the very definition of narcissist. She had been married to him for 40 years. The last couple of months my daughter has suffered from some of the ugliest symptoms of PTSD and mine have also increased. I pray that tomorrow she will be successful in extracting a confession from him and we can start some well deserved healing.

 

[Lucycat]

Great article @Ice_Fire .

I will never forget the day I told my mother - after she had been told my cousins had accused my father of abusing them as children. Her reaction was 'what about me?' No consideration of how we 'victims' were suffering or feeling. With hindsight it was bizarre. It helps to explain why she is still with him I think.

After that, telling them I had CPTSD seemed irrelevant. I don't think she ever really took that in and never asked how therapy was going or even if I was still going.