Fear at Night...I Want to be Alert

[Vapor]

Hi all.

I started therapy 6 months ago for the first time in my life. I am 25 years old. There have been some gret posative changes in terms of me loosing some weight, excercising, eating healthy and quiting smoking.. and I have been relaly focusing on that lately.. maybe a little too much,,, because I havnt told my therapist about what has been going on the past month.

Since the age of about 17 i got really obsessive at night.. checking doors are locked over and over again .. it was at its worst when I was around 19 and over the years eased off alot.

The past month its been getting worse again.. and i havnt mentioned it to her yet (but i left her a message today because im exhausted)

Im not having nightmares anymore at night since I started taking clonidine.. so im not afraid of being asleep .. its just the anxiety about getting into bed and falling asleep.

I start checking around the apartment.. consatntly looking over my shoulder, looking around me.. I mean checking EVERYTHING. I dont even know what im looking for . its so strange... I look behind the drawers, under the bed, around the windows... im glancing around the room trying to find something.. and the time i spend doing all this has been getting longer and longer.. when i get in bed.. i get back out many times.. to repeat this..constanyl looking over my shoulder over and over again .. Im restless and cant relax.

Its got to the point wher Im fighting going to bed because I know im going to be lke this. I want to be alert 24/7 so I have been staying up all night.

I went to bedd at 6am this morning for 1 hours sleep. I just want to be able to ebaware of my surroundings at all times.

But im reaching exhaustion. I also have Bipolar .. so this isnt good.. since I havnt been taking my meds so I can be awake and alert.

Im really really tired. I know i must sleep, so im writing this post and then im going to attempt it..but im dreading it.

 

[BassistKara]

Hi Vapour,

First of all well done on those positive changes you mentioned!

Just wanted to let you know that i have a similar problem. About 4 years ago i ended up not sleeping for close to 2 weeks because i was so convinced by the fact that the guy who abused me was coming back to do it all over again to me.

Also a few weeks ago i didn't sleep for a week, that was after i stopped dissociating during flashbacks & subsequently started having more nightmares, and it seemed rational that if i don't sleep i dont get nightmares + all the problems they bring!

I also have to always have my bed up against a wall, so if i suddenly wake up i can see all the entry points to make sure there is no one there.

My dad and brother also leave the front and back doors unlocked at night, and when i get up during the night i lock them & if i dont i cant sleep because anyone could walk easily into the house and hurt me. They also yell at me about doing it, and when i question why they're so annoyed they say "There is no point in locking the doors because our neighbourhood is pretty safe". Yet this is the same neighbourhood in which my trauma happened!

I'm not really sure if this helped you at all, but I thought i'd put it out anyway. I hope you get some decent rest in soon!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Vapor,

Please talk to your therapist about this issue. It sounds like OCD with some paranoia thrown in also. This isn't good. You need sleep! Without sleep our minds start to take over and our thinking gets distorted. Sleep deprivation can cause all sorts of things to go on in our minds.

What exactly is it that is causing the fear???? I know that we all have to feel safe, but to what point?

Great job on all of the other stuff that you mentioned. Quitting smoking is so hard. I know I quit too. I was exercising everyday, but 2 months ago I got lazy, and haven't been doing it at all. I'm glad that you are. Maybe I can get inspired by you and start again....

Keep up the good work and please talk to your therapist....I am sure that she will be able to help with this...

 

[Vapor]

thanks so much for your reply. The Drs have suggested I had OCD in the past, but I keep thinking its not that.. .. and that its PTSD.

I dunno, i have felt slightly paranoid lately though,, you could be right about that, there is a van that parks across the road from my apartment every night and lately (the past few days since I saw it) i have been thining tht there are monitors and cameras in there watching everything I do and recording it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Vapor,

That's paranoia thinking. The van is probably belongs to someone visiting someone in the area. It's summer and people are on vacation....... Don't let this get your brain running in all sorts of areas that you need NOT going in.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Vapor,

What has your therapist suggested (if s/he has returned your call yet)?

I know that when my stuff is up, insomnia and paranoia sky rocket. I'm wondering if you're pushing too hard/fast in therapy, or maybe all the changes you've made, albeit positive, need time to settle in. For me, even positive change can trigger a stress reaction.

As a lifelong insomniac, I strongly agree that sleep is a HUGE thing for self-care with PTSD. Lack of sleep greatly increases my symptoms and inability to keep my 'higher thinking' in control. When sleep deprived, I easily lose myself to the symptomology of this thing.

This may not be true for you, but for me I tend to push and push, trying to bust through. It's as if I'm swimming underwater, holding my breath, so I can burst through the surface and breathe. But in reality, it's more like a never-ending journey and I really need to pace myself, breathing as I go.
Don't know if this fits for you, but thought I'd throw it out here. I've caused myself a great deal of additional distress with my "underwater" approach.

-Dylan

 

[Grama-Herc]

I find your writing interesting. I have been dealing with a sleep issue also, but mine is different. You have,however, brought something to my attention that never occured to me before.

I too have to have my bed up against the wall and I have to be able to see the door without moving. I need to be able to open my eyes and see the door. I never realized this until I read your writing. I wonder where this has come from. As I can recall I have always had my bed positioned this way.

Having trouble sleeping is so damaging to our minds and our ability to think. I agree with the others---Tell your T. and try to sleep before it catches up with you. The crash from lack of sleep is not a pleasant experience. I know that from experience.

Here's hoping you get some really great, restful sleep

 

[Vapor]

its getting worse.

Now I am having to also have a torch in bed with me at night incse the light goes out.. and the phone in my hand...usually i just have the phone next to me in bed.

I see my therapist tomorrow .. 1pm .. hoepfully i can sort this out before it gets out of control

 

[nic]

Quote from Vapor:

"Now I am having to also have a torch in bed with me at night"

Umm...I hope you mean a flashlight.

 

[Vapor]

uhhh.. im from the UK (though now i live in the USA)

we call flash lights a torch.

uhh .. yeah

 

[ga yankee]

I call it "being on the wall". My husband will ask what time I went to bed and I'll say "I was on the wall until 3am". I stand on the back porch and watch...for what I don't know. Trouble I guess. If I'm not watching something bad could happen to my family. I go through phases...some weeks are worse than others. Right now my son and husband are out of town so I'm up. I have to sleep facing the alarm keypad so that when I wake up I can look at the zone lights to see if anyone is in the house. So what I'm saying is I know what you're going through. BUT...I've learned to tone it down, I've learned to recognize it and I've learned that each phase will pass. They have gotten shorter and less frequent so I focus on that...it's a sign I'm getting better. It gives me hope to look back at the last time I was like this and how this seems less intense. You'll start to feel it less with time...just practice letting go a little here and there. Contrary to my beliefs before...the sky won't fall if I'm not holding it up. Good luck!!!!

 

[Acer]

I had major issues sleeping for a long time in my late teens/early twenties. I couldn't sleep, would check the doors over and over again, wake up hearing stuff that really wasn't what I imagined it to be, over amplified nothing sounds that now I don't even notice. I had night terrors too, waking up certain someone was in my house, in my room.

It was one of the reasons I went into therapy back then. My counselor and I dealt with it head on. She didn't say I was silly for feeling that way, we got to the root of why I felt that way, that I was afraid at night as that was when most of my trauma occurred growing up, while sleeping or in bed at night. I for whatever reason felt I couldn't protect myself if I slept.

Our solution? She suggested putting bells on the windows and doors, so I would 'hear' an intruder if they came in, sort of like mini alarms for every possible entry point into my apartment. Suddenly, I slept at night. I haven't had this problem in years and haven't used bells in years, and I know everyone is vastly different. My point to this story is that it can really help to talk about this with your therapist and come up with some logical reasons why you feel this way and some reasonable solutions to help you feel safe.