Fear Of Disapprovel

[Sally sue]

Hi all,

So, I just took a online test and it says I suffer from "fear of disapproval," probably because I didn't recieve enough of it when I was a child, duh!

Anyway, every time I get a good idea or I'm excited about something I've done, I want to hide it because others (mostly my extended family) will think badly of me, or I extremely downplay it!

This really takes the joy out of life and seems to directly relate to the PTSD. I felt that after the traumas important people in my life disapproved of what I did or didn't do. :( Then I get so depressed and feel I'm such a bad person, well, you know ha, I don't want to be here.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I just a freak-a-zoid?

Sally Sue

 

[Sally sue]

Hahaha I meant I didn't recieve enough approval, got plenty of disapproval :(.

 

[arfie]

Well... The freak-a-zoid factor is another thread altogether, but I, too, downplay all my own ideas. If I thunked it, it can't be worthy of further consideration. That fear of disapproval, etc., is undoubtedly a factor. Having had my accomplishments down-played and even ridiculed leaves a very deep scar.

but even worse is the nasty fact that all my best ideas call for the nastiest of all the four-letter words: WORK

 

[pd117]

Everyday of my life is like this. Fear a disapproval began my initial crash and diagnosis. I had been dealing with ptsd symptoms for the last 5-6 years, but it was a bad employee review (which probably would not have been that bad to someone else), that pushed me over the edge. I was also not given a ton of approval early on and maybe that does contribute. I am also a perfectionist and cannot satisfy myself on good deeds or good moments. Because there is always something that was not right. You're absolutely right when you say it takes the joy out of life. It really does. If I am given a negative review, it crushes me. I have not found a cure, but I did want to let you know there is at least one more "freak-a-zoid" in the world. haha

 

[Sally sue]

Thanks for joining me in "freak-a-zoidness"! For some reason it gives a feeling of normalcy in the midst of abnormalcy :) ha!

I keep thinking I should email my T because I have an event coming up on Saturday, where I will succeed or fail (I've written and illustrated a childrens book) and for some stupid reason, I'm more concerned about succeeding! Warped as this is, my family and people I know will punish me outright and in subtle ways :(. I want to be excited and happy but instead I want to hide the book (I know it's good), or burn it so I can be....what? Unhappy? Ug!

My T says my thinking is very black and white, and damned if I do, damned if I don't. :cry: Is it wrong to do and show the good things you can do?

 

[arfie]

Balance in all things, Sally Sue. It is never wrong to do and show the good things you can do, but some times are better than others and holding rigid expectations of the reactions can lead to confusions. I ask myself questions like,

Am I stealing someone else's moment in the spotlight?
Am I using my work to avoid looking at a problem?
Am I making someone else feel inadequate?
Am I expecting people to read my mind so they can know exactly what I want to hear?

That list goes on and is based on my personal inventory. The point I am trying to get to is the fine points of what caused one of my own therapists to work with me on my own "black and white thinking." An awful lot of my own feelings of inadequacy stemmed from misinterpretations and limited conjecture.

And congratulations on your book! Even non-freak-a-zoids would be experiencing the full range of human emotions over something that big. That is a big deal! Cut yourself some slack. Mood swings allowed.