Fear of poverty is making me sick

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you have a local buy/sell site or newspaper? I've noticed that in ours, many people will adverti...

No idea, actually! I have to check. This never occurred to me(what times we live in, right? Years ago it may have been the first thing I check)
There is facebook groups for selling, in which I do sell some items. So far I only saw one person offer barter and I didn't have what she needed. I'll see if I can find anything in print newspaper. To be honest using print newspapers to look will be new for me, I'm completely used to finding anything online or directly from some friend/acquaintance.

SeekingAfrica, what about your national mental health and or disability programs? I did a bit of re...

Sorry if my responses sounded a bit short/like excuses. I think I'm having a lot of anxiety today, like on the verge of panic attack kind and I'm trying to calm down, but I haven't yet.

 

[anthony]

Money is a horrible stressor. Sorry you have to endure this stressor, adding it to your plate.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Money is a horrible stressor. Sorry you have to endure this stressor, adding it to your plate.

Thank you! For me it also happens to be the biggest trigger(one of them anyway), which is not good at all.
Which is why I'm starting to make my piece with the idea that I can't be at 100% right now, like do things like work 14h and whatnot. But I will do the best that I can do at this moment. Work when I can, take breaks when I can't, try to make the situation better and take care of myself in between. I hope.

 

[anthony]

For me it also happens to be the biggest trigger

How is money related to your trauma?

 

[The Albatross]

Covering you with prayers/protective intentions gal.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

How is money related to your trauma?

It's related to one of them. When it happened, I was alone working in foreign country for few months. I had just been fired/looking for new job and I basically had spend my last money on 2 weeks of rent and food until I got something better.

And the trauma happened(rape/assault) from someone I considered a friend who was also one of my roommate. He beat me to the punch and said his version of the story to all of our roommates, so I felt I couldn't say anything, and had no money to leave and basically I had to keep myself mentally strong and pretend nothing happened so that I can go to interviews and find a job.

So for weeks I had to pretend nothing happened, I was hungry, counting my last money and looking for jobs while at the same time never feeling safe in my own house(or place I was renting, but nevertheless) and not being able to even take a beat to breathe and consider what happened to me. Basically from the next morning I was out on job interviews and figuring out how to cover bruises in the summer and get over the pain without being able to pay even for basic painkillers and trying to figure out the health side in a foreign country. Always sneaking in the dark coming home, and locking my room from the inside and avoiding any social thing my roomates were doing(even when it was right in front of my room) because he would be there and he had made it seem like basically I made everything up and it was all my idea(nevermind all the bruises..).

So it was basically a struggle between survival physically and keeping myself sane mentally around the person that abused me. And feeling I can't say anything to anyone back home because I'm an ocean away and all they are able to do is worry. So feeling like I'm down to counting my last money to pay rent or bills and not being sure where it's coming from always ticks me off somehow and makes me feel insanely vulnerable and worthless if I can't manage it on my own(and even if I do manage, just for having gotten myself in such low and vulnerable financial state where I can't take care of basic needs).

Sorry this ended up so long!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Covering you with prayers/protective intentions gal.

Thank you so much for the support!
There is a huge chance my client will return from this weekend onward, I hope it happens. If it does, it would be such a relief and will provide less stress while looking for more work.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Finally I got work today! It's been so long though and so hard to deal with this and I don't know how to start on work today. It's a project thing, but basically the bottom line of it would be the faster I pay, the faster I can get more food/have any money. I'm down to pantry stuff and the last foods I bought so I can cook and manage until Wednesday or Friday I think, somehow.

However I am actually down to having last money in my wallet(like, enough for a bus ticket) and that is it. And managing that way until Friday is tricky. Possible, but tricky. I got the new project today, so the faster I start it the better so my mind can get in a normal non-triggered state and then I can possibly get more work. But I can't get myself to start yet. My mind keeps racing, I'm so dizzy with relief, and I can't calm down enough to start. This has happened before and it usually last half a day, may be a day....but I don't want to lose a day. But on the flip-side, I really feel dizzy and can't concentrate, and I don't want to do bad job on that project, so may be I should sleep it off and wake up and start early tomorrow morning?

 

[The Albatross]

Necessity is the mother of invention... congratulations but get to work and make your money.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Why would prolonging the financial anxiety and stress and worry even be an option? I don't get it. When action is necessary how sometimes we hold ourselves back???

 

[SeekingAfrica]

P.S. Why would prolonging the financial anxiety and stress and worry even be an option? I don't...

I don't know! I think sometimes I get myself so sick with worry that I incapacitate myself, which is not really a good thing at all. I wasn't like that before, but these last years I'm that way. Thankfully I haven't had many such moments, but that was luck. Now I have to learn how to get through this feeling somehow.

 

[The Albatross]

Get started on that new project and take the actions necessary to solve the problem. I don't know is not a good enough reason and it doesn't put money in your pocket or take the stress off you - it keeps you in the situation you've been in for a day or so longer. Self defeating. Really.