Feel Like I Am Drowning

[externalsmile]

Ah! Don't ya love the PTSD humour though?!

Nope, he wasn't fired, not even suspended! Still waiting on an investigation to happen so for now I get the pleasure of seeing him at work. Luckily he isn't allowed near me and it is easy enough to avoid meetings that he is going to be at but he is a nasty person and won't stop intimidating me until I leave.

 

[jesse]

That really sucks. Can you keep a voice recorder in your pocket with you in case he does come up and say something? I had to do this once with a professor I had in vet school. It's a long story but he basically stole my horse and he was trying to have me thrown out of vet school and was intimidating me. My attorney told me to do this but he stopped talking to me at that point. It did make me feel better it was like bring it on asshole! I eventually got my horse back. Crazy people they're everywhere! We're not paranoid just realistic lol.

 

[externalsmile]

I keep my phone in my pocket but with work I am only in his presence for seconds so I never get to get the phone out in time. Usually it is only staring or just standing around so that I have to pass by him. Hard to explain really but it isn't the hypersensitivity talking! He has made it known to me in the past that he has made violent threats against people and he is from a dangerous family. Could be all talk, but at the same time who knows!

Trust me to attract a dirty old man! Dammit! Why not a young, hot, single, available man?!!!!!

Thanks to everyone in this thread. I'm actually feeling so much better for admitting how bad I am feeling. Feels like a ton has been taken off my chest and I can breathe again.

 

[jesse]

The last time I attracted a young, hot, available man he turned out to be gay! Not fair!! I only talked to him about an hour and felt myself falling in love lol. I'm glad you are letting yourself feel the support of this forum Makes me smile.

 

[externalsmile]

LMFAO!!! Oh dear! Blooming typical!

Thanks hun. This place is great to leave off steam and not be judged and not seen as a weirdo for having these thoughts. I'm honest with my friends when I'm not doing good and they are so supportive but I think they would freak out if they knew what way my mind was thinking. I don't think they could handle it because they wouldn't have the same level as knowledge of psychiatry as I do to appreciate that thoughts are just thoughts and not always going to be what I put into action. I'm a mental health nurse so it wouldn't freak me out if someone said those types of things to me. I would be like....ah, righto, then help the person recognise why they are feeling that way. Basically....it is hard to shock me!

 

[seedling]

Glad you're feeling a bit better. This guy shouldn't stand the light of day. Sounds like he plays it all so well, the jerk.

Keep going on the diet and try to take care of yourself. Maybe you could pretend you are a big celebrity and they want to give you millions - then it might be worth being in the spotlight!

 

[externalsmile]

I know right, he is such a complete *sshole. He did his best to mentally destroy me as well by constantly telling me that I was vulnerable and weak.

With the whole increase in attention I'm not getting to deal with my emotions around the whole situation so now I am just so angry, bitter and frustrated. I'm getting angry at so many people but I'm not allowed to verbalise it so it results in me turning that anger inwards because all I can do now is change me to stop this kind of thing happening again. Like the disfiguration of my face......if I am ugly then he won't look at me. If I cut my throat I won't be able to talk so I won't say the wrong thing. If I am dead then nobody can torment me anymore.

But I know if that happens, then he will be able to say.....yeah she is crazy and made it all up and I won't be able to defend myself. I need to see this thing through. Otherwise he will do it again. I just hate that it is struggling hard to take over my life and ruin it when everything else is going so good.

Hopefully each day that my mood improves the stronger I will be to keep on fighting. I will see this through. I will keep on telling the truth. I will not be broken.

 

[seedling]

Good for you. Couldn't stand to think of him laughing up his sleeve, thinking he was right.

Maybe venting here will help you with the anger, help it lessen when it builds up so much.

He probably still would look at you with a disfigured face (being the kind of jerk he is), so that one's out.

Your honesty will go a long way. Take care.

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you.

Venting here certainly has helped me the last two days. Getting it all out has helped me recognise what are the problems. The whole increased attention thing is definitely a major problem. I'm going to have to find some way of dealing with that when I go back to work.

I think for now this really is the only place I can vent since I am not allowed to in real life. It is just sad...the one thing that I can do to enable me to move on is the one thing I am not allowed to do!

 

[externalsmile]

Feeling fairly low in mood this evening. I don't even have the energy to try get to the root of it.