Feel like i'm getting worse before getting better

[Ivi]

So I've not been on in a long time, because of various reasons I think mostly I've got a bad habit of trying to shoulder everything on my own.
But my situation has changed entirely. I was abused in childhood by my father, who my mother is still with and my immediate family know what he did to me but that's a whole other thing. However, 7 months ago I met someone and we are now living together in a completely different city to my family which is fantastic. I thought like as soon as I was away, my problems would get better over time. I'd be less jumpy and triggered and all that good stuff.
In reality I don't think I've ever been so on edge and just anxious and I'm not sure entirely why. I don't know if this is a case of things getting worse before they get better or what. But I've been living with my partner for 6 months now and I'm still feeling like every day is a struggle at times.
I was just wondering if anyone had any advice? I wasn't entirely sure where to put this though. My partner, though, is fantastic and super supportive and tries his best to understand. I have no faults with him.

 

[Keen]

I've found that things get worse before they get better, when it comes to healing. I'm not sure exactly why you're feeling more jumpy now when your situation seems better, but could be that you are beginning to feel safe and your PTSD brain is like freaking out that you are relaxing too much and not being vigilant enough so it starts kicking things into hyperdrive to keep you from letting your guard down and being vulnerable to getting hurt again, even though its not warranted. The PTSD part of our brain is just all about protecting us at all costs and to me it feels like it can be afraid even when I myself know I am safe.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

One thing I've learned is that no matter where you go, you take your problems with you. Escaping a bad situation is a very good thing, but it doesn't erase trauma. That stuff will stay with you forever, which is why therapy is so important. You need to heal because there's no *getting over it*.

Good luck to you!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

For first time in my life and post Emdr I'm having to learn what my new "normal" is?!? And all uncharted territory for me, for I have lived to tell of unimaginable horrors and am on the other end of it now. I feel totally like a fish out of water. Good for you that you're in a relationship and trying to love and be loved and away from your family, etc.

You've come to the right place for ptsd advice re relationships and @Mal Content hit the nail on the head when she above-stated that "escaping a bad situation is a very good thing, but it doesn't erase trauma" nor does Emdr it just deadens it (numbs) and still the memory remains. I choose this day not to go now Freddy Kruger lane and not relive the horrors of my past and good for you for sticking your toes in the water for 6 months in uncharted waters and trying to be in a loving relationship.

 

[Ivi]

Thank you so much for your responses. I suppose I'd best knuckle down now and find myself some therapy. I'm dealing with new doctors and everything now and if I have to be honest. I struggle a lot with the fear that my past won't go away and I know that PTSD will probably forever be a part of me. I just want to feel like I have a hold of it sometimes. I can see how tiring it gets for my partner on my bad days and it really does suck. :/

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

With therapy, things can get better. PTSD is very much like a roller coaster, up and down. I've found this to be true along my whole healing journey. Only the downs are less frequent and/or less severe.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I know what you're dealing with and "it" doesn't get better with time, we through various methods and mine being Emdr Therapy is helping me to try and return to the present tense as I've lived in my past all of my life. And @Ivi my father abused me as well and my family too is a whole other story of which I now invest little energy into. I had tried C.B.T. and D.B.T. and nothing worked for me until I underwent 16-17 of grueling long, horrible Emdr sessions and at present I no longer flash and trigger like before back into my hell past. Yes, I still have the trauma memories, but they no longer HAVE a stronghold on me @Ivi. Each infrequent time I remember the trauma my mind literally forces me to stay in the present as I use to almost always live in the past trauma memories.

So @Ivi you hang in there just like I have done, and I continue to do. Life is still no picnic for I know and can never escape what I've been through and I too have come a mighty, mighty long way. And although my family remains steeped in deep impenetrable denial I know for a fact indeed that all of the horrors occurred and I am the living proof! I've survived to tell the tale! And I am here with you now as others are here in this forum and thank you for sharing that you are now risking and trying to remain present in your relationship as your trauma memories try to take you back and keep you there. Don't you let them. You are here now and you survived the unthinkable, the unimaginable as I did and now one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, and on occasion one moment at a time you will try as like all of us here are doing and hopefully you'll find your way through the storms now in your present life and only try and live ever present in the here and now again one day at a time.

We cannot afford to waste our lives and throw them away for look how far we have come and for me it's way too late to turn back now and besides Emdr Therapy will not allow me to look back in the black dark abyss of hell memories and for that I will remain forever grateful not matter what each day brings me from this point on. Hang in there, we're here. Jade.

 

[Ivi]

So today I self referred myself for some therapy. I need to have an assessment and see where we go from here. My partner is going to do the same as he's having some problems with stress and depression and he's never been to therapy before but I think it'll be good for him maybe he can get some support for supporting me as well, he certainly deserves it.
I feel really worried at the moment though. I've only ever used one therapy service since I've only ever lived in one city before and I'm kinda scared of the change if I'm honest. But thank you for all your kind words. You're right I can't waste my life chained to what happened but I need help finding my direction forward. I'm away from him now and I'm an adult so my father no longer has a hold on me I just feel overwhelmed especially this morning when I got up. I have a holiday coming up in a couple of weeks but I'm also seeing my father right before I go.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

So today I self referred myself for some therapy. I need to have an assessment and see where we go from her...

Good for you and your partner seeking therapy, for this changed my entire life for the positive. Also it's okay being overwhelmed when you get up for you are trying to establish living in the present and in love instead of living in fear due to father. For me, this stress and ramped up panic only tries to be the order of the day, and I must tell my mind to slow down, do deep breathing and Eft tapping, etc. I am going to need some distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, and emotional regulation (D.B.T.) sessions from therapist which is goal now for living in the present tense is not so easy for me these days either.

Since your father abused you are you going to be okay seeing him prior to upcoming holidays as I understand he still lives with your immediate family? I had to cut off all ties w/father prior to his death in '08 and I don't regret this serious decision @Ivi for he nearly destroyed my self, my core being. Prior to '02 I'd had multiple suicide attempts due to the massive hole in my self being (worth, etc.) and every time father was near me either via phone, in person well he was extremely toxic and dangerous to be around, and perhaps this is not the situation now with your father however I feel confident that you will carefully weigh this decision (pros and cons). And, yes I certainly do understand he still is in the home so, perhaps for you a different set of circumstances and therefore decisions apply here. Please nurture yourself prior to going, and then the same upon leaving your father for it would seem that this will be hard for you, to see and be around him.

Change (transition) scares me nearly to death too @Ivi because of the unknown factor and it is difficult to live in the moment for again I'd (prior to Emdr) always lived in my past trauma memories. And for me as well it sure is a very difficult adjustment trying to live in the here and now and with all of the changes going on around me and in my personal life. I am trying like you to take one thing at a time, and again one moment, one minute, and one day at a time and this is like being a fish out of water for me. It is doable for I'm still here and moving forward, sometimes two-three steps forward and one-two back however I've learned progress is indeed baby steps. Hang in there and again grateful for your post. Jade

 

[Ivi]

I do struggle. My mother seems to insist when she comes to visit us that he comes as well. I've never been asked if this is what I want but however when I told mum I was no longer going to be seeing my brother with her and him, she cried and told me how hard this all was for her (no irony lost on her it seems.) I know that I isolate from my partner after I've seen him. And I don't want my partner near me for at least a week or so after I see my father. However the reason we'll be going there is because it's my mother's birthday. Thankfully my ex (who knows my situation) has insisted my partner and I stay with him rather than staying in the family home. So we will see. Plus my time in London (where they live) will be mostly spent seeing my friends I no longer get to see and seeing my favourite band the last night we're there before we head up to Wales for our holiday. I'm sure going to that concert will be a huge emotional outpouring for me.

 

[Keen]

So today I self referred myself for some therapy. I need to have an assessment and see where we go from her...

It can be really hard to go to a new therapy service or therapist. It doesn't always work out and thats okay, you can always keep trying till you find the right fit. I thought no one would be able to help me as much as my first therapist, but a later one helped me even more. Don't worry, things will work out as you do your best.
I'm glad your partner can get some help as well, great idea.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Yes @Ivi certainly do understand your wanting to isolate from your partner after being in same room with your father and hopefully with the concert plans following celebrating your mother's birthday, you'll be able to soon regain your emotional foothold with your your partner. I hope your trip to London with concert plans and also staying with your ex helps you from feeling so overwhelmed. Take care. Jade.