Feeling Like Others' Problems Are Silly

[zeropoint]

My trauma means that not only have I dealt with a lot of really, really hard stuff, but also that things continue to be hard in lots of ways that affect my basic needs and quality of life. At any given moment, I'm dealing with not only symptoms but also things like how I'm going to afford food, whether I'll have a safe place to live, etc.

Lately a couple friends have come to me needing support because they're in unsatisfying relationships. And I've become really resentful of that, like "you know what I deal with, and yet you still come to me all desperate because a guy was distant to you last night? call me once you get a real problem." I haven't said anything like that yet but am afraid I will.

Anybody else feel like this?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Many many many a time, I have however been able to curtail my replies to polite knowing glances, under pinged however by a certain anymosity towards the complainer. You are doing well to keep your thinking on the level. They just really are a lot of people out there who IMHO come to people like us to help them sort them out. Sending a warm :hug: from the uk if you accept it.

Laurie

 

[Weemie]

tbh i've outright told ppl who talk to me about their relationships that it's like listening to an alien.

i'm just so not into it at all. people are all about the drama and bullshit where i'm at, some chill decent folks but lots of cattiness, jealousy, condescension, gossip etc

everyone's always finding reasons to hate each other and somehow i landed an outside role with not mugh scrutiny but some of these ppls issues with each other man are nonsense.

i'm here like i have had people hurt me in my life. not some petty oh he's hanging out with someone else, oh she's too loud and obnoxious. damage and harm, life's too short to hate people for the small stuff. they're not worth it.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Yep, so totally with you there @lightraze I can not stand pettiness, I have just been trained to listen to other peoples problems because of career choices I made pver 20 years ago. It has taught me to listen, digest, then crap out in private. I took on a lot of other peoples burden in my working life.

 

[Friday]

Most of the time I care less about a person's problem... than the person themselves or how they deal with problems.

It's mostly when someone is wailing that it's the end of the world that they might have to face something I've been dealing with for a long time that I get all royally pissed off. It's like 'Bitch, please." It's even worse when people get all entitled or belligerent. Like I owe them something, so that they don't "have" to face living through what Im living through.

 

[ihateusernames]

It doesn't bother me all that much. People complain about some pretty petty stuff and they tend to put themselves into what I see as completely idiotic situations over and over... and over. This is all true. But they're only human and it's human to find something to complain about. I used to find a tiny bit of comfort in believing that everybody has a stress capacity and that mine was just considerably larger than most folks'. Something similar to the "God never gives you more than you can handle" thing (which I find to be utter BS now. Sorry, I know there are some here who do believe that. I just don't like anything about it.)

I've experienced some horrible things, and am still dealing with the effects. But I also still worry over some meaningless things, too. For instance; I highlighted my hair the other day and wound up with a big ugly blotch. Then when I colored over it all of the successful highlights were covered, but that stupid blotch is still showing through as lighter. It's bugging me. I've complained about it for 2 days. In the scheme of things it has no real importance.

 

[City Slicker]

If the complaining is a pattern of relating for that person, and the relationship isn't a close one, I will listen quietly for a few moments, affirm that I hear they are feeling distress, avoid giving any advice and then leave.

I know when I complain it's because I have picked something that I feel is safe to share. Complaining is also a way to say to the others, 'I am here, I have a life, I relate, I am like you, I have problems, I am not perfect...' People complain for different reasons. The thing is, humans don't typically share the huge things we have been through. It's always the other things. The things others may find insignificant.

For example, I work with a lot of people. Statistically I know that if I speak with 15 women in a day, according to statistics here, at least 4 of them have experienced some type of sexual assault. If I speak with 15 men I know that again, a portion of them have experienced sexual assault. In other words, people have experienced trauma in some form or other.

The last thing I want to do is indicate in any way that I minimize their experiences of whatever they are sharing whether it's the stupid relationship or that their partner leaves the toilet seat up and how disrespectful that is, because generally I know it isn't about those insignificant things - it's about how we treat each other in the moment.

 

[Ronin]

I tend to be glad they're ranting and these are their problems, hence they're okay enough to well, not having to concern themselves with anything bigger at the moment, and I tend to be happy they're ranting to me about these things (aka they trust me, awesome, I'm glad I didn't shoo everyone with my aloofness), but I get how things get on one's nerves easily.

It's mostly when people want me to solve their problems for them that I become irritated (will you solve mine in turn? No? Leave me.)

Or accusing me of not caring for them just because I didn't react in a way they want to if I take their request and come with ideas what can be done, that one is kind of a hard boundary for me and I tend to cut off contact without warning after people come up with something like that. I return after a while. Usually.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like @City Slicker & @Cashew 's posts, especially.

Though I loathe infighting, pettiness, jealousy, hating & resentment etc, I know that complaining so to speak may be venting or underlie other things & also does not mean people do not have or have had very serious things to deal with (though I don't relate to a lot of the minor things, the way they look at it.)

Sometimes I'm thankful they trust me enough to feel comfortable say it.

I can do or seem to do the same, I am terrified of being out of work or financial crises or unexpected natural disasters or especially deaths of friends or relatives, also my dog(s). So I could complain I'm worried about something at work, but overlook mentioning if I had cancer (that would not worry me, unless it was again or when it is a relative or friend). But similarly, if I get cancer, I used to be worried about hair loss. It changed to only eye-lash loss, figured I could use 'falsies' but found out I would be allergic to the glue. :( How ridiculous all this sounds, I know. Therefore I try to forgive others & forgive myself for perhaps not understanding it's 'normal' to complain about seemingly meaningless things. Perhaps it has a deeper meaning for them/ impact.

It makes life simpler when things have been so bad you don't sweat the small stuff I think.

 

[RussH]

I guess I think about it this way: One of the things we don't do here on the forum is compare trauma. We realize that one person's trauma may seem trivial to another, but they still suffer from PTSD.
Your friends problems may see petty or shallow compared to what you have dealt with, and are dealing with, but to them it is still a problem.

I think it speaks well of you, and how they think of you by their coming and talking to you about their problems, so just try to be patient and understanding.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I totally agree @RussH Coming from a Police Command and Control job as I do, we were always taught the truth in human compassion. I learnt many skills in this Role and that was to be able to empathize instantly I had a distressed 911/999 caller to Emergency, some of the things I listened to were the most harrowing any living human should endure by only hearing it not actually witnessing the Trauma In Person. It teachs us great listening skills to learn this way, the hard way.

 

[moonbeam]

I can relate to the frustration but I also think it's a bit unfair to friends. Part of being friends is to be able to come to each other with issues. It might seem trivial to us because we have PTSD level issues but to them its very important. Its also unfair to say that we have dealt with much worse shit than they have so their issues aren't important. I'm glad most of my friends haven't had to deal with the shit I have. Plus what I might consider a huge issue (like crowds) and things that make me stressed or anxious might be trivial to my friends. But they also try to help and are respectful that its an issue for me even if they don't fully get how/why.

I think as long as the friendship is reciprocal and built on respect for each other than it should be okay.