Feeling Lost and Hopeless: What Can I Do?

[Tinyflame]

I am at a point I have zero purpose or reasons in my life to continue on for. I am trying not to do any damage or leave any behind. Am at a loss. I am very tired. Not sure if anyone has any ideas of what to do? Thank for reading.

 

[Teasel]

Oh @Tinyflame my heart goes out to you. I am glad you have reached out here.

Are you safe?

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

So much caring @Tinyflame

Some quick thoughts, disregard if not helpful.

Consider that your brain might be lying to you. Hopeless feelings lead to hopeless thoughts in a lovely downward spiral so do something to break that.

Cross a threshold- literally moves you into another state.

Spend time in nature, soothing, beautiful nature.

Put on some beautiful scent.

Or your favourite music.

Argue the opposite to what your brain is telling you

Look up ways to find meaning and purpose in your life or think about what is important to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Teasel .

No, no one to talk to. But I have here. So I figured I'd try. I don't have much left for talking. I even let this thing generate a title.

Thank you. You are always very kind. Hope you are ok.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Tinyflame . Do you mind if I ask , what country are you in?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Survivor3 thank you. Well, a hint is, maple leafs, back bacon, Maple syrup and hockey.. eh? ,

I do realize, and I noticed it when @Teasel said it- yes, safe at the moment. Which is probably as good as my mind saying, you've got your opportunity to make this end.. Or maybe not, but it did cross my mind.

I also found something last night: some people sumply won't love you, doesn't matter if they are family. Of course they say don't internalize it, but easier said than done. Though they had a track record of not seemingly loving virtually anyone overtly too much.

I also heard the conditions when one should establish trust. And it is harder to admit there are other people (very few) who qualify. Of course they are not perfect and have their own demons, so am I and do I.

I was oddly surprised (also) to not be told I'm a burden.

Lastly, I do not know and don't get me wrong I do not want suffering, but one thing these experiences or life has taught me is a bit of a better understanding of how it feels to be on the receiving end of this. They said even 'Jesus' was abandoned in the Garden. and I'm certainly not innocent like He was. But I simply can relate with less surprise at the story (true) of a woman thrown in a garbage can by her son (in his defense I am sure he was a burnt out care giver) than when someone does or says an unexpected kindness for me. Or forgiveness or acceptance or validation. I learned pretty quick to shelve needs, wants or feelings. And to be very careful about anything I verbalize.

I do not know what life is about or why. But ultimately I'm still going to be the one who has to account for or leave behind the consequences of my own choices, not other's.

Thank you as well as well as @Teasel . II know it's a gross topic no one wants to read. i appreciate not being alone in it, very much. As equally true as it is what it is and causes the suffering or sorrow it does and is something people (have to) shy away from, is the truth that support is rare and invaluable. Thank you very much.

 

[Teasel]

Well I wrongly assumed American then, sorry

Would you say you're isolated? Or more so recently? I found I get really low really quick when I've not seen people in a while, and it tends to be one of those downward spirals that pulls me in.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low @Tinyflame

It's definitely true that some people won't love you, no one can like everyone hey. The thing with being a sensitive person is taking it to heart isn't it. Affects me ever such a lot too.

Wish I could lend a dose of water off a duck's back, if they sold it someone could make their fortune.

You and I have been surrounded by more than our fair share of arseholes? I wonder if you relate having let these arseholes define your worth or reality?

I reckon you're a lovely caring human being and you deserve all the good things.

I learned pretty quick to shelve needs, wants or feelings. And to be very careful about anything I verbalize.

Me too. But now you can begin to explore them again? You don't have to talk about any of them with any of the arseholes hey. Rather explore them yourself, quietly maybe, see where you can make baby steps towards pleasing yourself?
Much much caring

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you so much @Teasel . I know you understand implicitly. (Though I am both sorry you do, yet thankful for you. )

I suppose I have been isolated, in the sense of what I am withholding in my mind. I mean I have to be very visible and I put on a good act but interiorally, yes. I never thought of that as having any bearing. And exhaustion/ fear.

Yes I don't care about being loved, except as it relates to family. But, that's just the way it goes I guess. Was that way mostly even before I deteriorated. Part chicken or the egg, to some degree. Though I take ownership for my own problems, perceptions or reactions. (ETA, I think it's safe to say that and one relationship after in particular has pretty much drilled in to my bones that I am unlovable as a human being. Maybe sounds stupid but isn't to me. I feel like I can no more change that than my eye or skin color.)

Funny as just came back to say I think that experience (childhood on) left me, or contributed to a profound sense of unsafety. It's funny because someone said to me yesterday stick with who you like and I get it but it's not about that per se, it's understanding and safety. Safety trumps all of it. I feel like a kid with a hand death grip, but silent at the same time. And yet glad to just let others be too.

Idk if I was an ice cream flavour I'd be Neapolitan with a good dose of nuts I guess.

Thank you dear @Teasel .

 

[Survivor3]

Ah Canada then!!! Haha . What amenities are local to you? You sound lonesome and dare I say...bored?! Are there any sports or arts groups you can get involved with? What's your support network like? Family, friends?

 

[Tinyflame]

Not family, 1 person I trust (ETA & God1), sweet puppy who is away. Definitely not bored! Last bored around 1982. Physically grueling job with long hours (afternoon through night), quite depleting and lousy environment. (Sorry @Survivor3 am rushing, thank you!!) Loved most to dance but body too sore atm. Am in the city.

Was thinking too, I have a very negative, despairing fearful mind. I appreciate- no, I take grounding in, I need, don't want to jinx it and say thrive- with hope(ful words). But not so hopeful they juxtapose the reality I am in and know it's further evidence that is not realistic, been there, tried that (for decades). breaks my heart.

Thank you!!

 

[Survivor3]

It's a horrible feeling when you feel lost and hopeless, I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Tinyflame]

You too are very kind @Survivor3 . I know you understand also. Thank you. I hope you are ok?

Well you know I know it's my onus to manage my own feelings. I feel a lot better than I did.

I was thinking too, some family acted nuts. I mean, craziness. Is it realistic to expect simple, normal stuff, esp then? Well, of course not. I mean, I am a bit logical (sometimes!)

It's gross the depths of darkness, outside and within me too. At least against myself. But I guess you don't see dark without light. One terrible process to try to overcome though (you know).

 

[Tinyflame]

I kind of feel silly to write this on here, but I can't remember where the thread is I'd rather add to.

I had a lousy screamer nightmare- even stupid details in it. But anyway I think it's because I am able- no witnesses. I was also thinking, bumped in to some guy a few days ago- or vice versa, he said "It's been at least 10 years!", knew all these details. I couldn't remember him? Then I couldn't even remember where I bumped in to him. I think my mind was very distracted.

And I was thinking I laugh most of the day, am gentle with others (try to be). Have lots of 'friends' though I tell them little.

But anyway, long story short it might be more effective if I try to be as gentle with myself as others. Because too when I am not gentle with myself I am not gentle with others, at least more overtly: I am mistrusting, avoiding, dismissive, suspicious is a little strong a word but defensive. Of course it reflects more on my own self-distaste, but it isn't right. I am better at other-motivation than self-motivation. And to me, to actually be gentle I should be pretty much under all experiences. So, I figure perhaps the opposite is necessary, to challenge or for go my own sense of safety (at least as much as I can) and operate from that home base. Because I am trying to be more aware of my negative fearful thoughts and challenge them. Despair would qualify. And I really like or thrive with laughter and softness and gentleness too.

Anyway thanks to you @Teasel l and @Survivor3 . I know I can't delete the thread but I guess it has been good to address my thoughts. not ignoring or denying them because obviously they are part of who I am (but I hope to say not all of who I am) , even if they are the worst ones, but facing them head on even if they are messy and hard to articulate (am still not very good at it). I don't think I could say they are not all of who I am without others support. I guess it goes back to that self-rejection thing. It's like being allergic to myself lol. I think too, or so they say, some of us are inclined to turn pain inward. It even feels shameful to admit it.

I guess to it's ok/ safe sometimes to be happy, feel safe?

Thank you. so much