Feeling Stuck And Don't Know How To Get Out Of My Thoughts

[Shady_99']

I have been feeling so down and stuck these last few months as it gets closer to my son's death anniversary. (08/25/2006) People have been so rude telling me I NEED to move on.:mad: I thought I was doing ok until this year. It's just a HUGE reminder that we would have had a 9 year old.:unsure: I feel like a failure as a wife because I can't give my husband kids. :bag::unsure::(:notworthy: This sucks

 

[Virtues]

You're not a failure. Your husband obviously loves you or he wouldn't have stuck by your side for 9+ years. Remember that when you go through these dark days. Remember how much he cares for you and needs you. Your ability to have children has obviously not wavered his love for you. I can't imagine what you are going through as I myself have never had to feel that pain. I know our supporters do not always understand us the best, but they try for what they are worth. Please keep hanging on for brighter days.

 

[trying2movefwd]

Feeling like a failure is not the same as being a failure. You are not a failure. You are grieving. Anniversary dates are even more so difficult. You lost your child. People who have no idea what that feels like have no right in trying to tell you how to feel. Your feelings are yours. Feel, cry, grieve, get angry, be sad... get it out no matter how many times you need to. I have worked with the elderly before. I have had 90 year old women as clients who have cried over babies they lost years ago/ a few men too. It's a grief only a Mother or Father Can understand.

 

[Shady_99']

You're not a failure. Your husband obviously loves you or he wouldn't have stuck by your side for 9+ years...Your ability to have children has obviously not wavered his love for you.

I try but it seems like it's getting harder as time passes and it's getting closer to his anniversary. When I met my husband he wanted 7 kids lol but now I can't even give him one so I feel like I failed him. I know he knows it's not my fault but I can't help but feel this way :( I wish I could just be happy again but it's so hard when I see all my friends and family making families of there own.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I was crying over my little Hannah just yesterday as a movie reminded me of the event that took her life over 10 years ago.It was the gut wrenching sobbing type.

 

[Shady_99']

I was crying over my little Hannah just yesterday as a movie reminded me of the event that took...

So sorry for your loss :(

 

[trying2movefwd]

I am sorry for yours as well.

 

[Virtues]

I don't think being happy again is like a light switch. You'll never just be able to turn it on. Memories will always haunt you, but the hope is that one day some positive emotions will find there way to creep in and mingle with the negative. Like trying2movefwd said anniversary dates are exceptionally bad (regardless of your trauma) this I can relate to you on. I get very down around anniversary dates. It probably doesn't help that you are trying to measure yourself against other families. I would recommend trying to stop doing that as a target goal in therapy, if you are in therapy. If you're not in therapy have you ever thought about it, or even a support group outside of the forum here? It might do some good to have some human interaction.

 

[Shady_99']

If you're not in therapy have you ever thought about it, or even a support group outside of the forum here? It might do some good to have some human interaction.

Yes I've tried counseling but it wasn't helping me, I felt like it was making everything worse

 

[Seasounds]

1. Those people that tell you, "you should move on" regarding your son's death probably mean well, AND they are not 'walking in your shoes'.
2. Everyone's grief and healing process is different. You can feel good about your own progress.
3. I recently read that '(seasonal) lighting' is the main trigger of memories. I found this to be uncanningly true in my case when I was dealing with the loss of my husband. So know that m, organically, the memories are being stirred.
4. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to make room to express your grief-in writing, in speaking to the people who give you room to grieve-(anyone who doesn't say 'move on', and then
5. Make ways to also anchor in the present: alone time is okay, and spending time with people is really important-it rebuilds loving connections, and helps your focus organically return to the present, but by bit.
6. Doing things that help you feel 'good enough', happy, loved, and valued. This may take some discipline; making scheduled time to be with people, in activities that you enjoy- e.g. gardening, book club, walks with friends, volunteering, church gatherings, etc. if your husband joins you, this works too.
7. We can't always give our mates all that they want. Forgive yourself, you are not to blame. Count the ways you are a gift to your husband.
8. In another vane, losses take their toll on relationships, especially losses of children. For that reason I would recommend seeking counseling, for the purpose of strengthening the mutual enjoyment between you and your husband. (Grief can sometimes be all consuming and can pull people apart.
9. And in the counseling you can have the support to really find out if your husband is willing to not have children. There are other ways to bring children into his life.
10. Having gone through deep losses, I would suggest making a list of people you can call, at any time, in the next 3 months, when the lighting is triggering memories. Seek out grief groups on Google, on MeetUp, or in community or church groups.
11. The goal is not to make the grief go away, but to allow it to recede, which it will naturally do as you grieve, and re-engage life. I felt a big shift at 1 year, and after 2 years, I was much better. Time and love heals.:hug: