BlueBerry6999
Confident
It has been almost 2 years since my last traumatic experience (and probably the worst one, though I don't know why I think that).
Still, I find it very hard to understand it and I don't know what to feel.
I have been told by others that it was clearly rape, that happened, but something inside of me refuses to see it that way. I never ever use that word and when I do have to write it down, like I just did, it takes me a while to write those four letters. My body's reaction to it makes me assume that it was in fact what caused most of my trauma symptoms (I get anxiety attacks when it is mentioned on tv or in a book, article, etc. or when somebody says the word) at the same time I think back to what happened and can't see why it should have been so traumatic.
Now this is where I feel completely torn: I know for a fact, that if someone else told me the exact same story, I would not doubt that it was rape and that it might have been traumatic at all. Yet, knowing that it's my story, I keep believing that it wasn't bad and there's no reason to make such a drama out of it. And the weird thing is, I am 100% conscious about the way I contradict myself, but I can't help it. It's like there's my brain that says one thing and then there's something inside of me, the belief, I think, that says the opposite. And this has been going on for almost two years now and it makes me feel completely torn. I know what multiple personalities are and I know what I experience is nothing like that, but there are two different parts of me that say opposite things and it's driving me crazy.
My brain tells me I should stop hating myself and stop the negative thoughts, but deep inside, I believe that it was my fault and that I was an idiot and have no right to feel sorry about myself. I always thought it would be the other way around, like your belief is who knows what is true and your brain blames yourself, but it happens to be the opposite. I mean I can change my thoughts, I can try to think positively, but that self-hatred and that negative belief is so deep inside of me, I don't know how to get rid of it.
Also I have no idea who I am or what I'm supposed to feel. I usually only feel fear or depression. Like if something minor saddens me, I can't just be sad. I spiral right down into a depression and tend to get drunk. And if I have to talk about something emotional, I start laughing. Like when I told my last therapist what happened and was like grinning the whole time and just shrugged it off. She said that it was not visible at all how I felt about it, but when I tried to name my feelings, I came up with nothing. I feel absolutely nothing.
There were many reasons for me throughout my life to shut down my emotions, even as a child, and I have been doing this for so long that I honestly don't know how to let them out again. I understand that my subconscious must be trying to protect me when I'm talking with someone, that's probably why I always laugh, but I tried to trigger myself when I was alone in my room, even with the help of alcohol; but it didn't work. It feels like I have been resisting my emotions so much that I put so much pressure onto them and now they became hard like a diamond. I don't know how to break them open and I'm afraid to do so.
I am writing this because I was hoping maybe somebody here could relate and found a way out of this - or something similar. I had to stop seeing a therapist after a couple of sessions because I can't afford it. My plan is to save up so I can start therapy again, but it will take a while, so in the meantime, I'm glad for every advice I can get here...
Still, I find it very hard to understand it and I don't know what to feel.
I have been told by others that it was clearly rape, that happened, but something inside of me refuses to see it that way. I never ever use that word and when I do have to write it down, like I just did, it takes me a while to write those four letters. My body's reaction to it makes me assume that it was in fact what caused most of my trauma symptoms (I get anxiety attacks when it is mentioned on tv or in a book, article, etc. or when somebody says the word) at the same time I think back to what happened and can't see why it should have been so traumatic.
Now this is where I feel completely torn: I know for a fact, that if someone else told me the exact same story, I would not doubt that it was rape and that it might have been traumatic at all. Yet, knowing that it's my story, I keep believing that it wasn't bad and there's no reason to make such a drama out of it. And the weird thing is, I am 100% conscious about the way I contradict myself, but I can't help it. It's like there's my brain that says one thing and then there's something inside of me, the belief, I think, that says the opposite. And this has been going on for almost two years now and it makes me feel completely torn. I know what multiple personalities are and I know what I experience is nothing like that, but there are two different parts of me that say opposite things and it's driving me crazy.
My brain tells me I should stop hating myself and stop the negative thoughts, but deep inside, I believe that it was my fault and that I was an idiot and have no right to feel sorry about myself. I always thought it would be the other way around, like your belief is who knows what is true and your brain blames yourself, but it happens to be the opposite. I mean I can change my thoughts, I can try to think positively, but that self-hatred and that negative belief is so deep inside of me, I don't know how to get rid of it.
Also I have no idea who I am or what I'm supposed to feel. I usually only feel fear or depression. Like if something minor saddens me, I can't just be sad. I spiral right down into a depression and tend to get drunk. And if I have to talk about something emotional, I start laughing. Like when I told my last therapist what happened and was like grinning the whole time and just shrugged it off. She said that it was not visible at all how I felt about it, but when I tried to name my feelings, I came up with nothing. I feel absolutely nothing.
There were many reasons for me throughout my life to shut down my emotions, even as a child, and I have been doing this for so long that I honestly don't know how to let them out again. I understand that my subconscious must be trying to protect me when I'm talking with someone, that's probably why I always laugh, but I tried to trigger myself when I was alone in my room, even with the help of alcohol; but it didn't work. It feels like I have been resisting my emotions so much that I put so much pressure onto them and now they became hard like a diamond. I don't know how to break them open and I'm afraid to do so.
I am writing this because I was hoping maybe somebody here could relate and found a way out of this - or something similar. I had to stop seeing a therapist after a couple of sessions because I can't afford it. My plan is to save up so I can start therapy again, but it will take a while, so in the meantime, I'm glad for every advice I can get here...