SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
Few days ago I was doing great, but I hit a roadblock and it makes me feel so down and disgusting and like a failure. It started with one thing, but then there has been issue after issue today. And I'm between projects with one client for few days. And the other thing I work on I'm having technical trouble with. And I am having some financial issues so I can't do emotional eating this week(I know that should be a good thing, but it's another thing I feel is lacking). And there is another problem that popped. And suddenly the combination of problems and issues has left me without work for the day and I am suffocating. There are zillion things to do, of course there are but I feel frozen and suffocating right now. TV shows that make me feel better don't, pushing myself to do anything is extremely hard, even if the thing needs 5 or 15min. On the other thing not doing anything is making me stir crazy. I'm doing random things, and my day is complete chaos. I already emailed my client about my pay and about the next project and there is no use in sending more and more emails until she can actually respond. Adding time difference there is a chance she hasn't seen them yet.
But here I am and this whole feeling of running into roadblocks in any task I do and feeling disgusted with myself is pulling a touchy nerve. I'm way too familiar with these things and they somehow set of the survival feeling in me. And I start feeling helpless and hopeless. I tried to work- as I said, road blocks. I did some self care, but still not doing great. I tried distraction. I even tried a nap and woke up in panic and wanting to throw up for having allowed myself that in the middle of the day. I also went to a crisis chat and it was offline. I am having these waves of feelings, anxiety, depression, desire to cut(for feeling something, not to harm myself), feeling disgusted for having such a day. Trying to put my phone to charge and being paranoid that I'm missing something important that will irrevocable make me screw up in some manner. Wishing I was that great person that would use this kind of day as an admin day to catch up on everything that needs it and get ahead of my tasks... I am this person, sometimes, but today, I keep getting technical issues, and managing no work, and burning stuff when I try to cook and so on....and I feel like this awful horrible lazy procrastinating slob that has any chance to make something out of my life and managing non of it. The day feels endless and any minute just hurts. So much so that at times it feels like cutting can help, how insane is that? There have been many bad moments in the last year and I should have learned that I got through all of them, but all I feel is stuck in the day. And time passing impossibly slowly. And the later in the day it is the harder it is to deal with.
It's the kind of feeling that I rarely get, but when you feel like doing something drastic just to change how you feel- eat junk food, get drunk, get a tattoo, change the whole order of things in your life, go on a shopping spree... basically do anything to not feel the way you feel. And after saying all this I have the need to sleep again, just writing this down is exhausting.
But here I am and this whole feeling of running into roadblocks in any task I do and feeling disgusted with myself is pulling a touchy nerve. I'm way too familiar with these things and they somehow set of the survival feeling in me. And I start feeling helpless and hopeless. I tried to work- as I said, road blocks. I did some self care, but still not doing great. I tried distraction. I even tried a nap and woke up in panic and wanting to throw up for having allowed myself that in the middle of the day. I also went to a crisis chat and it was offline. I am having these waves of feelings, anxiety, depression, desire to cut(for feeling something, not to harm myself), feeling disgusted for having such a day. Trying to put my phone to charge and being paranoid that I'm missing something important that will irrevocable make me screw up in some manner. Wishing I was that great person that would use this kind of day as an admin day to catch up on everything that needs it and get ahead of my tasks... I am this person, sometimes, but today, I keep getting technical issues, and managing no work, and burning stuff when I try to cook and so on....and I feel like this awful horrible lazy procrastinating slob that has any chance to make something out of my life and managing non of it. The day feels endless and any minute just hurts. So much so that at times it feels like cutting can help, how insane is that? There have been many bad moments in the last year and I should have learned that I got through all of them, but all I feel is stuck in the day. And time passing impossibly slowly. And the later in the day it is the harder it is to deal with.
It's the kind of feeling that I rarely get, but when you feel like doing something drastic just to change how you feel- eat junk food, get drunk, get a tattoo, change the whole order of things in your life, go on a shopping spree... basically do anything to not feel the way you feel. And after saying all this I have the need to sleep again, just writing this down is exhausting.
