Felt Like T Was Out Of Her Depth

[Sandstone]

Maybe we could work on how I can feel safe in session when I'm struggling

I haven't felt unsafe there before. I've been able to focus and work hard. Possibly a lot of that has been about learning theory, but I always look at how to apply it.

I'm constantly aware that in doing this I'm taking a risk with my life,but I've decided to take that risk, as being the the best of a lot of bad options. This week I'd had some very graphic nightmares about what happens when you give the murderous lunatic the keys to the prison, so I'm feeling extra concerned about that. But I have to balance my fears against the fact the NHS committee who finally took the decision to treat me on a weekly OP basis instead of paying for an out-of -area admission believe I'm not a risk

 

[Sandstone]

if this is the first time she has seen you like this, it maybe a learning curve - she can only see and process what she is given

Shouldn't she know? Surely she can't believe I'm always calm, rational and thoughtful? If that was the case, where would the problem lie? I'd be a functional human being.
I do worry that she doesn't seem to know what I, and I think many people with PTSD, am like. When I reported an earlier particularly bad day to her, she also became worried and changed her plan. I clearly remember telling about all this at her initial assessment last February. My history over the last few years makes it clear that I'm not always stable. Why does my instability seem like a surprise to her?

Are you sure you weren't dissociated?

Maybe. It sounds silly, but I still don't know precisely what dissociation is. It seems to mean different things to different people

 

[Jane.l]

@stenni can you check out what her experience with PTSD is? I can see why you are concerned by her reactions and I think you need to go back and tell her that you don't feel she is understanding your situation and maybe have a conversation about how her reaction impacted on you, that may give you more insight as to what's gone wrong?

 

[Sandstone]

She did call, at the time she said. I like it when someone sticks to their commitments.

I'm not sure I'm any the wiser. To say directly "You didn't seem to know what to do" seemed rude, but I did say that I was surprised that she was surprised, and I'd expected there would be a standard protocol. I also said surely she must have seen others like this, and she rather talked round that, saying she saw all sorts of people in all sorts of states. I wanted her to say, yes that's common to PTSD and the usual answer is X, but if that doesn't seem to work we can try Y. Now I'm worrying that she may decide I'm not typical enough of the condition.

I've committed to carry on with therapy with her, but I feel cautious and I don't think that is helpful. She is immeasurably better than the previous NHS T, and clearly has a good understanding of the theory.

 

[Jane.l]

Maybe you will be able to talk about it more when you see her? Probably not easy on the phone.

Sometimes going through the cautious times and actually seeing it's all ok, can work out pretty well.

I think you are doing the best,safest thing you can do - proceed with caution :)