Fighting Against Myself

[Ti Vu]

I don't know what to call it. I want to break free from the fear. I feel the need to fight back against my darker half, my negative half. I feel the need to conquer and overcome it. But it feels pointless. Futile. Every day. Every hour. I'm swinging at my negative side, yelling at it to get away and let me be myself again. Free from the triggers, anxiety, mistrust, memories. "Stay away from me! Let me live again!", I scream. But it moves too fast, evades my strikes.

I know it exists. I've accepted that part. It'll be with me from now on, but I just want it to keep it's distance and let me live.

 

[shimmerz]

Ti Vu can you call on your lighter side to be more powerful? Are there images that you can conjure up to bring light into the darkness? One thing that has really struck me is the realization that light is stronger than dark. You can bring dark into a light room and it is still light, but if you bring light into a dark room, it is no longer dark. I truly believe this is the way it is with our dark sides.

Hoping you find some peace.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Randombits]

I remember how I was and I keep wanting to be that person again. Not the person who crumbles over being on hold on the phone ( yeah it's a weird trigger but it makes a lot of sense when you know why), or being afraid to leave the house.

Mostly I just hate the fear and the rage. There's a lawsuit attached to my trauma when the other side asked what I wanted I told them my life back.

Find something in the light that you can hold onto when it's dark. I try to make the world a better place so I can believe once in a while that it's the world I used to believe it was. It helps a little.

 

[Ti Vu]

That is powerful, @shimmerz. And very true. And tangible. I'll try to. :) I wish you the best on your healing, @Randombits. And I'm so happy to hear that you're trying to make the world a better place. I am on that path too. That's the light I'm holding onto, I guess. People like you. Like us.

Thank you both for the encouraging words.

 

[shimmerz]

@Ti Vu I have every bit of faith in you.

my life back

@Randombits - a wise t-doc told me once that I should expect my life back but a different and more beautiful facet of it. That is what I am aiming for. Facets of something mean nothing unless there is light.

I truly believe it is up to us to shine the light from within, that that is the key. So many of us have lost faith in that light and replace it with anger, bitterness, bullying, judgement (of others but especially of ourselves)etc. Light is support, love, gratitude, a helpful spirit, and living our own truths, no matter how difficult they may be the shine through. They are there. We just need to find them.

I am still looking for mine to shine in the dark places but for me the key has been knowing that light is ALWAYS stronger than the dark.

 

[Randombits]

My battle with keeping it on the light side is I was actually attacked by a crooked member of law enforcement to teach me a lesson, it screwed up my hand. It's 2014 and I can't use a computer for more than a few minutes at a time. I touch type on a phone or tablet but my degree in graphics is a wash so is my career as a photographer since I can barely shoot and hardly edit. I had been self employed and the bread winner for yrs prior to that happening. So there is a very physical reminder and loss I'm more than bitter about.

 

[shimmerz]

(((((randombits)))))) that is a very heavy load to bear.

Love and Light
Shimmerz