Finally Taking Something

[seedling]

After almost 11 months since the trauma I am starting to use some medication to help with symptoms. I am not on a maintenance med but am finally using Xanax and valerian to help myself.

I was prescibed Xanax in a .25mg (1/4 mg) dose. I took a whole pill once when I really needed it. It worked great but wiped my memory. The next time I tried a half a pill and it worked well too (it took me a week to decide if I would use it or not for the situation). The last month I have taken the Xanax twice and took 1/4 of a pill. This worked with some breakthrough anxiety but I got throught the situation I had too and didn't have the "stupidness" feeling with it (I really needed to be in my rational mind for serious discussion and observation).

I'm finally feeling like I am in charge of this and am using it for the best for myself.

This week I finally tried the valerian capsules I've had for the last 5 weeks. Last winter I would go to the store and look at all the supplements I had read about and would walk out without anything. A few months later I would look and actually pick something up, then put it back and leave without anything. In Sept. I finally bought some valerian and have now started to take one capsule at bedtime. It helps me stay asleep in the mornings, I wake up less tense if I do wake early and I can go back to sleep or doze off easier.

I still haven't figured out what took me so long. I usually try stuff right away if I'm not feeling well, am eager to see what will work, what will help me feel better. This is so different. Another blank spot in my brain, just too much overload maybe.

 

[seedling]

Been a while since I saw this.

I've had one thought since the last post about why I've resisted taking drugs. (Besides being scared of side effects and not liking pharmaceuticals).

I've had a healing spiritual experience using the relaxation tape my T made for me. I get to somewhat of a meditative state and go into another world where my internal self is laid out. I have vivid mental imagery that reflects my current state underneath the busy daily routine (or non-routine). It's always a safe place and I can observe my state without being distressed. I'm in control. It's also an honest place, a place for me to "check myself" and see how I'm doing.

Part of doing the exercise is to monitor my stress level by picking a number on a scale before and after doing the tape. When I take a dose of xanax I can't get a number. This part of me is harder to access. Even the valerian has this effect, I don't take it every night of the week because I can feel the sedation it has on a vital part of me.

Perhaps my experience would have been radically altered if I had been on medication before I was ready to accept it and monitor the frequency of use on my own. I'm more aware now of what taking medication does to me, what it is suppressing.

Sometimes I am very happy to have the feelings suppressed. It's a welcome relief. And, if my PTSD were worse or effected my functioning to a greater degree, I would be glad to seek relief in whatever way worked.

The puzzle has been to find out why I haven't sought out relief that I would have if it was more of a purely physical injury. I think the spiritual and emotional aspect of the injury is requiring something different from me.

Hope I've made some sense here!