Flashbacks to what I WISH had happened

[MadeOfMetal]

Hello all.

I've heard that flashbacks are a common symptom of CPTSD, with which I have been unofficially diagnosed multiple times.

When *I* have flashbacks to traumatic events, my flashbacks are never to what ACTUALLY HAPPENED - they're to what I WISH had happened.

For example, one time in high school a bully came up behind me while I was sitting down, squeezed my neck, pushed my head down, grabbed my underwear and yanked it up above my head as hard as he could. I pretended it didn't bother me (believe me, it did - I wanted to kill him but he was 3 times as strong as me). But when I have flashbacks to that event, in the flashbacks I'm putting my fingernails on his hand and saying, "Let go of my neck or you're going to lose half of your skin", then poking his eyeballs, kicking him in the testicles and hitting him in the mouth with the chair.

My last therapist told me he'd never heard of anyone having flashbacks to what they WISH had happened like this.

Am I really so unusual here?

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like intrusive thoughts, rather than flashbacks, although part of the ‘intrusive’ cluster of symptoms. Which would be common.

Mod note:
I’ve removed your trigger warning - we don’t use them here. Most posts, in most threads, contain potential triggers. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I maladaptive daydream a lot and when certain emotion flashbacks happen to come up, I sometimes have imagined a better scenario.

Actually I should try to do this more, it'll probably help me calm down and feel safer...

 

[arfie]

hello madeof. welcome to the forum.

i started my psychotherapy with trauma induced amnesia. what you are describing here sounds like one of the phenoms i experience when repressed memories begin to surface. i theorate that what i am remembering is a sort of alternate script my child's mind wrote of the event in the drive to, "forgive and forget."

 

[Susan Jane]

I think these trauma memories can have another element… working something out, the way you feel you would have liked to respond. It doesn’t matter what it is called really…in my opinion you are working something out and the feeling attached is much more important… Just my take

 

[Friday]

Ditto others… those aren’t flashbacks.

Flashbacks are re-LIVING exactly what happened, not remembering exactly what happened (remembering if on purpose; intrusive thought, if not on purpose), nor imagining what might have been different (intrusive thought, rumination, maladaptive daydreaming, etc.).

Am I really so unusual here?

Nope. Not unusual at all. That intrusive thoughts, rumination, & maladaptive daydreaming have NAMES??? Tells you that, right off the bat.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

i agree with the others, these are not flashbacks, but i have a similar experience i think. for me i ruminate, mentally go back to my trauma for a few different reasons, and sometimes the script changes to what they *could* have done to me, instead of what they did. sometimes i mentally develop the scenario, or go through many different ones. i can “go there” quite strongly or for a long time but it’s not the same as a flashback, even if distressing etc. i also get intrusive thoughts of the trauma itself and ideas related to it (like stuff that could have happened, mostly it ending worse for me)

 

[MadeOfMetal]

Just wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone who responded. Swamped with life and work right now. Will be back to participate later.