Forgiveness And Grudges - Opinions, Please?

[Lionheart]

I don't generally hold grudges unless someone has purposely sought to harm me in some malicious way.

I tend to let things go rather quickly, like the next day in most instances or a week in others, but generally pretty fast.

I am not sure why I am like this, I suppose I think life is too short to be angry all the time and anger seems to hurt me more than it does someone else so, I guess I just express it and let it go, especially if it is minor slight.

However, having said that, I can hold onto a grudge forever if someone purposely seeks to cause me grief and pain. Forgiveness is something that to my mind, is earned through a sincere apology and appropriate behaviors that show they will not to do it again.

They have to prove themselves to me and I can be quite stubborn if someone has tried to be abusive towards me.

Most of the time though it seems that things just roll off of my back and I attribute some of this to a low dose of a medication called Abilify that was given to me to assist with irritability.

I just don't seem to care as much about what others do and I focus on myself and what I can control.

Now, most recently a "friend" triggered my trauma with erratic and dangerous driving on a wet road, on the Interstate, at night, and knowing I was afraid for my life, he chose to laugh at me and call me a "wussy"....

...I chose not to forgive him and I ended our friendship of 48 years....mainly because things he has done to me in the past, coupled with his current behavior proved to me he was a "toxic" person....so I cut him out of my life permanently.

If that is holding a grudge then I am "guilty" as charged.

Either way, I would not be so hard on myself as we all have different temperaments and thresholds for what we can and cannot tolerate from others.

Unless it is causing a serious problem in my life, I would not worry too much about it.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I don't generally hold grudges unless someone has purposely sought to harm me in some malicious way...

Lionheart, that person doesn't sound like any sort of friend. I'm glad you're rid of him. That doesn't strike me as holding a grudge, though. It seems more like accepting that this relationship is way past its staledate.

Please, friends, try not to be offended, but the more I read and the more I listen to myself, the more I believe the whole concept of forgiveness is a lie. I understand now that I can accept. Once accepted, though, forgiveness is moot.

 

[alrite]

@alrite - it feeds my self-loathing, and that's the number one reason why I s...

But like I said, personally forgiveness seems pretty bogus. I'd have to actually be p!ssed at them in the first place.
Yes. If

@alrite - it feeds my self-loathing, and that's the number one reason why I s...

Most everything is connected to survival, even the self defeating stuff. I was extremeely self hating. Understanding the purpose or positive intention was helpful. The first purpose was self improvement. (Depth oriented Brief Therapy) I start by thanking that part of myself for trying to help me do better. And asking how its working?
The next was protecting myself. As a child directing anger toward my parents woulf have been suicide. So with a Therapisr who did Intensive Shortterm dynamic psychotherapy, ISTDP, I started to shift the rage from myself towards imagined family members. I think of it as listening to the angry part. When we do that with other people who are angry they calm down. The same thing happens with our selves, we become able to let go and to heal.
I hope thats helpful. You've suffered too much already. Suffering doesnt make us better it makes us worse..

 

[physicist13]

Forgiveness is something that I don't understand. All my life I've been told that I'm unforgiving,...

I tend to forgive "smaller" things-- like I remember them because I have a great memory, but they don't bother me and I don't bring them up because I understand that to an extent, everyone makes mistakes.
For more major things though some I forgive and some I don't, but it pisses me off when people say I have to forgive someone

 

[asadafagahajakal]

Forgiveness is something that I don't understand. All my life I've been told that I'm unforgiving,...

you could be going about forgiveness the wrong way. It doesnt mean
"oh its all cool lets be friends and ignore the fact it happened. Oh hey i suddenly dont feel hurt about the events!"

Its more of "im hurt, but being angry at you is making me feel worse, so for my own well being im going to look at you like a person i no longer trust/respect, but will work on the attack/offense rather than wish death upon you and your buddies"

That alone is a hard task. Ive only started truly forgiving maybe a quarter of the shit that happened to me. And that didnt fix everything. But it does help.

But you know, given the definition i just gave you, there are people who are sworn enemies to my family and i. And i have forgiven them. But hey, i catch them messing with my family or slandering me again then i have an active situation to handle lol