Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Springer80]

I think the palpable horror of what happened to me has left my body, I think of it as an organic process. The defences, thoughts, physical mechanisms and patterns of behaviour that had enveloped me where natural responses to a extraordinary situation and they have bio-degraded. Partly this is through my effort, with with things like addictions and work on emotions and false beliefs etc. Partly it is my body unravelling it itself.

I started to understand forgiveness in 2009, after ten years in my 'safe' period and 17 years since I became ensnared in the situation I had to escape.

Forgiveness starts in your conscious mind I think, your trauma reaction isn't the same.

I think you can 'get over it'... Personally I'm at the point where I can start building a life I want but here's the thing...It takes into account the consequences of what happened to me it doesn't dismiss them. The values I have are obviously altered, the lifestyle I want to lead is different. I've stopped trying to make my life fit a 'charade'. Some people might say I've given in in some way but to me that to me is being over it.

 

[Srain]

I read the title of this post and without reading others' post came here and posted my VERY opinionated thoughts on this very sensitive issue....

No, I don't believe it's ever necessary to forgive in order to begin healing process. Thank you God! Or I would have been screwed. When facing down the demon that tore the innocence from me and possibly from my children are you really expecting me to FIRST forgive this monster prior to healing??? NO, that was never going to happen!

It was all I could do not murder him!

Thankfully there was one sane voice in the therapeutic world that understood my pain and acknowledged where I was at, agreeing that piety prior to healing was not what was needed. I am human, broken, rageful, and needed a starting point. This not to say that others can't begin in a different place than where I was, but there was no way I was ever going to begin with "forgiveness". Fortunately for me, it was not necessary to begin healing.

 

[Springer80]

Oh I agree, I don't think forgiveness is a starting point. I dreamt of revenge with a grater. I get rage! I never looked to teach myself how to forgive (because I didn't want to) but I wanted to be free of negative emotions for my own sake. A book I happened to come across helped me with that and as a by product I happened to learn something that was in the realm of forgiveness, which was good enough for me. My motives were entirely selfish.

 

[Lucycat]

I feel really bothered by the whole 'forgiveness' thing.

My abuser was my father. I feel that it is his job to seek forgiveness, not mine.

I am scared that as he is elderly, I will 'give in' and offer forgiveness that is not due. I am not his only victim, but many other young girls as well. If I were to forgive him where does that leave them?

I am not into religion at all. In that respect it helps me, as if he were forgiven and there is an afterlife he could taunt me forevermore. That is a very frightening prospect I cannot contemplate.

 

[Shellbell]

No, I don't believe it's ever necessary to forgive in order to begin healing process.

Yes I agree, it isn't necessary to begin the healing process. I know I need a lot of therapy, I need to go through a grieving process and once all that has been completed, then I will hopefully begin to forgive. Not for the abusers, but for me.

Forgiveness is all about letting it all go for me.

 

[Shellbell]

I feel that it is his job to seek forgiveness, not mine.

I know I will never be asked for forgiveness by my abusers. Two of them are dead and one is a complete psycho.

And even if they were alive I wouldn't need them to ask my forgiveness. I don't want an apology from them.

Forgiveness is for me, so I can move on fully and not have anything from the past holding me back and no longer having any negative emotions in response to the past. And having a true inner peace about it.

Forgiveness for me a totally selfish thing - it is all about me and nothing to do with the abusers.

 

[Shellbell]

I I have had nightmares when God has ordered me to forgive and sleep with my ex. Sometimes it is really hard for me to differenciate the difference between forgiving and going back to him. So it kind of makes me feel trapped, especially when I am reminded by the concept that we need to forgive in order to heal.

Forgiveness in my opinion is not about going back to an abuser, not about tolerating abuse in any form and I do not believe women (or anyone) should stay in abusive situations. I absolutely think it is the right thing to do to remove yourself from an abusive relationship.

My ex-husband was physically abusive and an alcoholic and glambling addict. I am very glad I found the courage to walk away and get divorced.

I won't say much more as I know this is triggering for you.

 

[Shellbell]

I am really glad this has been thought provoking for some, even though it is such a difficult concept.

I think forgiveness is the difference between managing emotions from the past and having real inner peace about the past.

It also makes me wonder if it's one of the reasons people stay stuck in therapy for so long, because they can't let go of the negative feelings of fear, hate, disgust, shame etc. They hold of them for different reasons.

I mentioned to my therapist about my concerns about being in therapy for years and years, and she said that it will be about whether later down the track I chose to try and let it all go.

There is a point in therapy where there has been sufficient processing of trauma, sufficient CBT therapy, sufficient EMDR and other therapies. But for some it is still so hard to move on and let it all go.

I hope that my therapy and desire for forgiveness after that - will be what helps me to fully move on, let it all go, have inner peace about it and lead a life that is not controlled by negative emotions connected to the past.

But whether that is truly possible for me I don't know. But I suspect my desire for that to happen and my realisation that forgiveness is about and for me - will make it all the more possible.

 

[Philippa]

This is what I want to be able to do as well, and your last post helped me to remember what therapy is all about. I'm having real trouble letting go off all those neg feelings, because, in a way they have all become a part of my identity I think in the last 10 years, while I have lost so much, and pain can become something we grow addicted to in a twisted way.

I want to be able to let all that go and move forward. It's not about freeing anyone else from what they did to me...it's about freeing myself from feeling imprisoned by hate and pain and anger.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes I agree so Philippa, sometimes the pain and hurt is something sufferers of abuse can become addicted to and does become our identity. And you are so right about freeing ourselves is what it is about. Not freeing anyone else.

And it's about 'wanting' to free ourselves and having that desire to that I believe is key to any success with it and you do want to. I really do hope that one day you can be entirely free from it.

I really think you and I are on the same wavelength with this :)

 

[ms spock]

I must have misunderstood then.

And that is fine. That is why we are discussing and threshing out the concepts and issues.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I never though I'd ever consider being willing to be willing to forgive.

That rage, pain, and shame was a burden I was forced to pick up while my abusers went along their merry way. I've been trudging along for decades carrying this burden, though it doesn't harm them in the slightest, it's killing me. Literally.

Putting down this burden is a courageous act of extreme defiance against them, saying 'I will carry these things which belong to you NO MORE!'

Not that I'm totally there. Some things, I can't imagine ever forgiving.

Yeah, it should be them who carries the burden, but my choice is either to carry it myself or put it down.