Functioning = Must Not Be That Bad

[brokenchild]

I am going to forewarn you right now BC... I don't care what you have told another therapist in your past, or what you state to have achieved, you are here, you are still ill, so that means things aren't being done the way they need to be.

I'll have to disagree that just because I'm still ill means things are not being done the way they need to be. Recovery is a process and it takes different amount of times for different people. There is no time-line.

This is going to open Pandora's box... are you up for that? You may want to think about that statement, because if you haven't dealt with things truly at the emotional level, then your ride is about to get extremely severe.

I have little to no emotions about most things, negative emotions especially. If I do have them and are "feeling" them, I couldn't tell you what they were or why I was physically feeling the way I was.

These are yes / no answers, then requiring an answer based on what you feel, not what happened, or what was pushed on you, etc etc... what do you feel. The best way to answer such questions is like the following, always commencing with "I feel..."

Eg.

• I feel that I was degraded when he did x
• I feel that I was humilated when he forced me to x
• I feel.... etc etc...

As I said above, I don't really "feel" anything regarding the abuse. Heck, I have 2 noticeable emotions to myself, "happy" and "depressed." I can tell when I am feeling those two. The others, I have to "intellectualize" what I am feeling as one of my old therapists used to tell me.

I still hold some cards close to my vest, when first meeting new therapists. I don't do it on purpose, it's just that I don't automatically trust and honestly don't want them making snap decisions like they could know me so quickly. I do want them to know I am first and foremost I am I very hard worker.

I don't automatically trust either, but I am just so tired of retelling everything and for it taking so long before anything starts progressing because they are still getting to know my story and know what needs to be worked on. I have just gotten to the point of saying almost everything I need to say at the first session or two.

 

[anthony]

No worries... enjoy!

 

[Hlost]

Hugs. I can certainly appreciate the getting tired of retelling your story. I'm here if you want feel there is anything I can do. Hang in there.

 

[brokenchild]

I posted this in the PTSD forum as well.

I just wanted to come back and update you all. Thank you all so much for reading/replying. I'm still not doing so well but I am hanging in there I guess.

I just got back from therapy and talked about the functioning/suicidal thinking dichotomy as well as some things from my past. It was nice to get it out there.

We also talked about my lack of feelings and it's something we're going to work on, getting that mind/body connection that I never developed. That will help in other areas as well, such as hopefully not being chronically constipated.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[WonderingWhy]

It's good you discussed that in therapy!:dance: I hope you start feeling better soon and I am glad you took the time to update us.
Don't do more than what you feel you are up to.:confused: Please hang in there and know we're here rooting for you!:applause:
:hug:

 

[Lucycat]

That will help in other areas as well, such as hopefully not being chronically constipated.

Hey Brokenchild. How does the constipation fit in? I have always suffered with this but never in a million years linked it with my trauma. However I too have a 'lack of feelings', & numbness that I am trying to deal with. I've never even mentioned constipation to my T, but now you've got me wondering...

 

[anthony]

Constipation is a normal symptom of stress, as is diarrhea on the other end of the spectrum.

You could actually put it down to irritably bowel... as IBS is exactly that, and comes with stress hand in hand.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/stress-on-your-body.13777/[/DLMURL]

 

[brokenchild]

Hey Brokenchild. How does the constipation fit in? I have always suffered with this but never in a million years linked it with my trauma. However I too have a 'lack of feelings', & numbness that I am trying to deal with. I've never even mentioned constipation to my T, but now you've got me wondering...

My abusers had total control over whether or not I was allowed to go to the bathroom, sometimes to the point of my going to the bathroom on myself. Even now, when I can tell I have to go to the bathroom, I usually say "I'll go after I finish this" instead of just going, like I've been told to do. I was impacted once and that is something I hope never happens again.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Constipation is a normal symptom of stress, as is diarrhea on the other end of the spectrum.

You could actually put it down to irritably bowel... as IBS is exactly that, and comes with stress hand in hand.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/stress-on-your-body.13777/[/DLMURL]

WOW!!!!!! I didn't know that!:thinking: I hate:scream: going to the Dr's so I never have said anything to anyone, but I always have diarrhea really bad!!:whistle: interesting!!!!! I knew my asthma could be made worse by stress/anxiety but not "that":rolleyes:

 

[kimba]

Thank you for this thread. I just made a connection I hadn't realised. I became impacted enough as a child once that I couldn't walk. I woke up one morning and tried climbing out of my top bunk. Sounds crazy I know but my mother had to take me to the hospital and that's why I couldn't walk! Sorry-off topic a little but had to share this revealation.:bounce:

Forgot to add that this happened during the period of the sexual abuse....

Brokenchild- Just wanted you to know that as a child from a violent alcoholic home, appearances were everything. The rule was that nobody was to be able to tell from looking at us or talking to us that anything "bad" was going on at home. If we broke this rule there would be hell to pay-literally. So please don't feel you have to prove anything, your word is and should be enough.