General Gauging Risk Of Location Change - Ex vs Education

[Anon1]

Hi guys,

I have to do a placement year in September, for a course I'm studying.

I'm currently studying in the same city as the ex that I'm trying to move on from.

I've made a few friends there now, and I quite like the place (but I'm commuting there at the moment, because I'm not doing the placement yet. And I live a flying distance away).

Exactly the same course runs in another city, where I know no one, but I've been told that it's okay to transfer.

---

I know no one here will know for sure, but when I was talking with a mentor figure the other day, he suggested I should transfer.

Since I cut my ex off, and her new bf called and made some threats, he thinks the risk of being there is a bit too high; because if she sees me making friends and doing well, she might start saying/suggesting things about me (the city isn't big, and my course is people-work related... so... I probably need to be wise about how I handle this kind of thing)...

When I knew my ex, I always thought she seemed very balanced, but she does have a string of "I fell out with them" stories (which is apparently always on the other person). Those stories always come with tears and heavy emotion, so they always look really bad... but it can be hard to tell exactly where the truth lies, because of the nature of them

[note: I'm not talking about the events which caused her main trauma there, I'm talking about recent social events etc].

Thinking about it, she also has gaps in her history that I just don't know anything about.

I would've presumed that there was no risk of her spreading bad talk about me, or even accusing me of something; but since I cut her off and have sobered up a bit... I don't know... I'm just not certain.

Sometimes she'd say little things and I'd wonder if her thought processes/view of reality were... actually a bit skewed off-center (maybe even more than would be usual for CPTSD).

I'm trying to make as informed a decision as I can, so... does anyone have experience in this area?

I'm not looking for a solution here, but perhaps just a couple of people's take on:

"Yes, it's above a 50-50 chance, based on the picture you've painted, that this could get messy"

Or

"No... in a few months the dust will have settled, and most people with CPTSD wouldn't behave in that way."

Am I catastrophising and being a bit over the top, or is this a genuine concern?

If anyone has any helpful angles, it'd be much appreciated!

 

[arfie]

Am I catastrophising and being a bit over the top, or is this a genuine concern?

for my own psycho nickel, the focus has been on giving away my personal power. if i make my decision in order to avoid someone, i am giving them more power than they deserve, whatever their psych profile and/or social standing. my tendency to catastrophize, etc., is another therapy session.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[Friday]

If you flipped a coin… held actually in your hand… which side do you wish to land up?

 

[Movingforward10]

Am I catastrophising and being a bit over the top, or is this a genuine concern?

I do think this is going on.

The only risk I can see from what you said is the new bf. But how many times has he phoned and what threats has he made? How long ago was that? Her bad nothing you isn't a risk.
But no one can risk assess this for you really (which negates what I said at my first sentence!).

I'm wondering why she is even factoring into your decisions about your life?
That for me is the biggest question.

 

[Anon1]

If you flipped a coin… held actually in your hand… which side do you wish to land up?

I‘m still figuring that out, I think!

If not for the recent situation, it’d be that city.

The new city isn’t really ’me’, but it sure feels like a breath of fresh air!

Then again, it comes with a little sadness, because I’ve started to meet people in the other place.

I’ll sit with it, I think!

I do think this is going on.

The only risk I can see from what you said is the new bf. But how many times has he phoned and what threats has he made? How long ago was that? Her bad nothing you isn't a risk.
But no one can risk assess this for you really (which negates what I said at my first sentence!).

I'm wondering why she is even factoring into your decisions about your life?
That for me is the biggest question.

Yeah, that’s a helpful take!

I think I just feel a bit vulnerable because I knew her outside of a network of other people (as opposed to in community with mutual friends etc).

To me, she was an individual in a city where I didn’t really know anyone else.

I’ve heard what she’s said about other people, the city is small, and I know she’s had quite severe breaks from reality in the past.

This city is small and kind of has a ‘deep south’ type culture (which is different to where I’m from).

We run in similar faith circles so we’ll quite possibly bump into each other/have mutual friends.

And the type of work I’m training in would really benefit from me keeping myself away from drama (which might sound mercenary, but it’s practically just true, I think).

So I guess I just feel some vulnerability.

That phone call (which happened a few weeks ago) surprised me; because before that, I knew she could get triggered and then start misconstruing my words/actions, but I thought she was still kinda self-aware enough to realise that it was ultimately her triggers causing that to happen.

The phone call caused me to think “Wait… what DOES she think happened, and what did she say about me?”

So yeah - perhaps Im catastrophising, I just don’t have a road map for this kind of situation because I’ve never really been in it before!

As for your last question - I guess I’m still healing, and it still feels a bit raw.
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way as a result - perhaps I just need pick something and get on with it!

 

[nursenurse]

I don’t think anyone can give you odds, we don’t know the folks involved. They could be all smoke, and maybe not. I think there is more than CPTSD involved. I would say run smart, not necessarily scared. By that I mean that the physical distancing might benefit you and your separation process from her. And yes I have restarted with pretty much nothing, no friends, no money, pittance of a job, threats that while I was sure were nothing, still rattled me a bit, and I have come out the other side with a new respect for myself and a glorious life, not without its usual ups and downs of course. But better than if I had stuck around with a chance of wallowing in the past and not thinking about what I want most from life. And I appreciated never having to look over my shoulder for even the faintest reminders. Go through the crack in the door and never look back, I think that is a Groucho Marx saying.

 

[scout86]

I don''t know that there IS a "wrong way to think about it". But, you're still thinking about it, aren't you? So it's a thing.

When I got divorced, my ex was making up ridiculous stories and made a few vague threats. I'd lived in the area for 12 years and had a reasonably successful business. But I also had a chance to move across the country, and I did. I'm glad I did. It opened up a whole bunch of new, good possibilities. He was more an annoyance than a threat, but I really didn't want to deal with the foolishness. 5 years later, I had reason to move back and I did. Things have worked out fine. (He was dead by the time I moved back, but I don't think that would have mattered. The dust had settled.)

Every situation is different. It sounds like your ex probably has a screw loose that's a bit beyond CPTSD. Also sounds like they're involved with someone who's a trifle volatile. The difference between the 2 places is basically that you have a few friends where you are now & don't know anyone in the other city? You can always make more friends.....

If you decide to stay, expect at least a little drama. If it's worth dealing with that, it's worth dealing with it. If it's not, it's not. (My personal philosophy is if you make a choice to deal with the drama you don't get to bitch about it. LOL) Personally, I'd probably move and try someplace new. The road runs both ways, you can always move back.

 

[Anon1]

I don’t think anyone can give you odds, we don’t know the folks involved. They could be all smoke, and maybe not. I think there is more than CPTSD involved. I would say run smart, not necessarily scared. By that I mean that the physical distancing might benefit you and your separation process from her. And yes I have restarted with pretty much nothing, no friends, no money, pittance of a job, threats that while I was sure were nothing, still rattled me a bit, and I have come out the other side with a new respect for myself and a glorious life, not without its usual ups and downs of course. But better than if I had stuck around with a chance of wallowing in the past and not thinking about what I want most from life. And I appreciated never having to look over my shoulder for even the faintest reminders. Go through the crack in the door and never look back, I think that is a Groucho Marx saying.

This is helpful - thank you!

Yeah, right now I‘m financially stretched, uprooted, and I’ve been floored by this whole situation while I should’ve been working hard on my self-employment.

I think it’ll be okay when I decide where I’m spending the next year, but it feels like ‘ground zero’ to me.

I think that’s partly why I was susceptible to this relationship in the first place - I was in a transitional place in life, didn’t have my usual routines going on, and the relationship ended taking all my time, so I didn’t spend it building healthy patterns.

I think that’s partly why it’s taken longer to get over too - there hasn’t been a solid, predictable base for me.

As for the ‘more than CPTSD’ thing - a few people have said that!

Y’know - a memory popped into my head on my flight earlier, something I’d forgotten -

She first kissed me quicker than I’d usually kiss someone.

Earlier that day, she’d told me about her trauma, and I didn’t want to reject her (plus I liked her), so I went with the kiss. Lots of heavy kissing, in the end.

She purred in my ear “Me and my manipulative girlish ways…”

I remember she used to talk a lot about manipulation/power/who had the power/she had the power… “I am smart - and maybe you’ll never know just *how* smart” etc.

And she was joking - I think - but also… I only say that because she *had* to be joking, surely… no one would say those things completely seriously (I think??).
Even then - many a true word spoken in jest.

I always put it down to fear on her part, and told her I didn’t like it - but I didn’t take it too much to heart.

But… perhaps this is the kind of thing that I just want to be careful of -

Someone who seems pretty scheming, perhaps… and not knowing how scheming they are.
I’m not terrified about it, but I guess I’d say I’m aware of it.

EDIT - The encouraging sign for me though, is that I laughed at the memory when I had it today - before it wouldve thrown me, and felt painful. So I think I’m on the up :)

 

[Anon1]

I don''t know that there IS a "wrong way to think about it". But, you're still thinking about it, aren't you? So it's a thing.

When I got divorced, my ex was making up ridiculous stories and made a few vague threats. I'd lived in the area for 12 years and had a reasonably successful business. But I also had a chance to move across the country, and I did. I'm glad I did. It opened up a whole bunch of new, good possibilities. He was more an annoyance than a threat, but I really didn't want to deal with the foolishness. 5 years later, I had reason to move back and I did. Things have worked out fine. (He was dead by the time I moved back, but I don't think that would have mattered. The dust had settled.)

Every situation is different. It sounds like your ex probably has a screw loose that's a bit beyond CPTSD. Also sounds like they're involved with someone who's a trifle volatile. The difference between the 2 places is basically that you have a few friends where you are now & don't know anyone in the other city? You can always make more friends.....

If you decide to stay, expect at least a little drama. If it's worth dealing with that, it's worth dealing with it. If it's not, it's not. (My personal philosophy is if you make a choice to deal with the drama you don't get to bitch about it. LOL) Personally, I'd probably move and try someplace new. The road runs both ways, you can always move back.

Thank you - I appreciate your take!

Yeah, it’s mostly the lack of friends in the new city - plus it’s more expensive and feels a bit pretentious for my taste. I think the first city might have more networking etc for me - but I’m only guessing about that.

The only thing I’d say if I do go to my ex’s city, is that I could move the other side of town, be appropriately upfront about my situation with a safe couple of people, and keep a few people from my home network posted too.

I think the support would help, and I could always switch after a couple of months if it was bad (potentially).

But anyway— I’ll process it over the next couple of weeks!