Getting Caught In A Machine.

[Intrepid]

I’m doing schoolwork and am feeling some anxiety that is stopping me. I feel like if I go further into the subject I’ll get caught in a machine.


I’ve experienced this feeling before. It happens at work and at home. I work in accounting and have to use spreadsheets. There’s one machine. I know it doesn’t seem like a machine, but in some ways it works like one. At home I have to do laundry, or brush my teeth. Both of these are my machines. I hate laundry because I fear of getting my hand caught in the machine. I hate brushing my teeth for the same reason. Yes, I get afraid of getting my hand caught and mangled in my own mouth. I know it sounds crazy. I have heard of people who have this fear of getting their hands caught in the garbage disposal, without even putting them near. I can relate.


I know this is connected to the physical beatings I experienced as a kid. I remember one time when I was trying to protect myself with my hands from my mom beating me and was told to move them or she would hit them instead. What was I to do?


I really don’t feel like I can protect myself. I feel that the injury is my fault: that if I could be smarter, wiser, stronger, more understanding, more cunning, or more cold hearted, I could save myself from harm.


The question is, has anyone else felt like this, and at what point in your recovery did you begin to feel like you were safe enough?

 

[The Albatross]

Rather than ramp up anxiety and swirl around these feelings... what can or are you prepared to try or do to restore some sense of competence?

 

[Chava]

This sounds really limiting. The "machines" are endless, especially if you end up owning a house and want to take care of it (though you could delegate the serious stuff like chain saw work to others or pay for help in some areas). And I know anxiety can be crippling.

I'm not sure what the answer would be here, but what kind of therapy are you doing? Are you working with someone on the hand stuff specifically? Sure it would help to work with the trauma, but I'd wonder about treating it like I treat panic situations...working around the edges and gaining a sense of control in small amounts vs feeding the anxiety (my example being when I had panic attacks while driving...so broke it down into pieces, took "safer" routes, and also stayed in exit lanes, but over time increased how far I could go and eventually got back onto what I felt were less safe roads). So, that's a behavioral type of approach. Your hand thing might be too deep, but I'd think some version of that could help.

Also, I'd wonder about body psychotherapy for this or looking at it through the lens of somatization. Also, anything positive you can do to keep "connected" to your hands and feel them as a positive source of agency, like take up guitar lessons or even finger painting or drawing. Just some thoughts. Hands represent so much. I don't have the struggles you do with them, but mine shake a lot in therapy and represent how stuck I am between needs to reach out and connect and also draw in and protect myself (or sometimes "fight" impulses in my hands, like wanting to scratch). We've been able to work on piecing out some of this garbled energy so I can connect and protect, but not always feel caught in between.

 

[WillyKat]

I think it's quite perceptive of you to trace this back to the abuse. Understanding is always a necessary first step. I agree with @Chava about breaking this down into little bits. A lot of healing w/ PTSD is about small, attainable goals instead of mighty blows of a sword to slay the dragon.

Is there still such a thing as systematic de-sensitization? I suppose there is. It's a technique used for people with phobias. The general idea is to face the fear in small increments, to take tiny risks. Over time, it becomes less frightening.

Hope that helps.

 

[Intrepid]

Sometimes I have a really hard time expressing myself.

Truth is, this "caught in the machine" feeling is about getting used to being abused. When I was a kid it was the norm. I geared my life to fit it in. I compensated for the negative affects, and that compensation didn't end with the end of the abuse. I was really used to being abused, and after it stopped I didn't know what to do with myself. I adjusted using alcohol and other means, but for these the side effects were pretty bad. For that reason I don't drink any more. However, I have other thinks that I do that are not so good.

I know that others have continued self abuse to feel normal after the abuse stopped. I have not done that. I have found other ways of dealing with the anxiety of no longer living the norm of abuse. But when I abandon all of that I feel vulnerably, unbalanced, and empty of resources. I start to feel like I'm abnormal. I start to feel like the abuse is necessary to survive.

All of this is not so easy to deal with in therapy. I'm working on it, but my therapist is new and she doesn't want to go in-depth into anything until after our 4th session. She's suggesting a med evaluation. I haven't been on meds in 15 years, and then they really productive. She says much has changed since then. I hope so. My med eval isn't for 2 months. They are really backed up.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I was really getting frustrated with this problem, having it stuck in my head and all.

 

[WillyKat]

Oh, I think I see what you mean now. Maybe its similar to how I've felt as I first started to really heal: like I had been abandoned on an alien planet, not sure what was edible or what was poisonous. Uncharted territory, a new world. Can I drink the water? Is it water? Who are these people? Can I trust them?

Or maybe its like being in suspended animation for 500 years. Time to wake up. Now what do I do?

Freedom is a little frightening.

 

[The Albatross]

Truth is, this "caught in the machine" feeling is about getting used to being abused. When I was a kid it was the norm. I geared my life to fit it in. I compensated for the negative affects, and that compensation didn't end with the end of the abuse. I was really used to being abused, and after it stopped I didn't know what to do with myself. I adjusted using alcohol and other means, but for these the side effects were pretty bad. For that reason I don't drink any more. However, I have other thinks that I do that are not so good

The reality is, the thought/habit/thinking pattern no longer serves. It is no longer beneficial. This is growing pains. It was a survival mechanism that no longer benefits you or protects you. What are the other things you do that are not so good?

They are being called into your attention now to be addressed... you're title, expresses you're fear based thinking in the way you understood it when you picked up the defense mechanism: "I’m doing schoolwork and am feeling some anxiety that is stopping me. I feel like if I go further into the subject I’ll get caught in a machine."

BUT when you think that... you are relying on old, pre programed habits and behaviors... it is time to determine to initiate change and abandon as you are able maladaptive coping mechanisms that no longer serve. You weren't being abused... you were doing school work NOT being abused.

 

[Chava]

4 sessions is very beginning. Yes, great that your therapist wants to go slowly! "Normal" does not jive with me and I revolt in bizarre ways if trauma isn't addressed slowly, or even healthy changes...most of it has to work it's way around in a pretty subtle fashion if it's going to stick for me. Although if more serious, like the way I can abuse alcohol, I just have to stop it and do some emergency stuff (treatment in the past, lately more structure and keeping grounded). I think it's okay to do some therapy before a med eval too, especially if you haven't been on meds. Hang in there...all these parts and pieces can sort out, I believe, but I have gotten much more patient about my own process...respecting that undoing deep lifelong patterns takes time and kind attention.