General Getting Stuck In Your Sufferer's "head"

[Sweetpea76]

I was just curious if any other long time supporters ever feel like they get caught up in their sufferer's negating thinking patterns or ideas?

Now that I'm actually trying to put this into words, it is very hard to describe. For instance today it just hit me that a whole lot of my stress was stress from inside his head. Stress that really doesn't exist outside his head, but he has somehow made it very real for me.

Of course it is real because it makes him symptomatic. It's awful when he's symptomatic. He's sick and hurting, I'm hurting for him... and not to sound callous, because I'm sure it's worse for him, but it f*cks up the whole day/week/whatever. I get lashed out at, or shut out. Plans get cancelled. I have to do everything and go into caretaker mode, etc.

But I'm not quite talking about this. It's more like I've found myself starting to believe some of his rants and stressing about things he stresses about. I know it's bullshit, but I catch myself stressing about it.

For an example, we have always used a lot of humor to get through the bad times. He did it as much as I did. He's been pretty symptomatic for awhile and now he gets angry if I try to joke around with him. He has been snapping at me that I'm not treating things seriously enough and that I'm immature, etc. I have been really upset about this and feeling inadequate. Stressing out... Maybe I am too immature. Am I not capable of being an adult?

Today it hit me. Using humor doesn't make me immature. I am a 40 year old single mother with a full time job. It's not like I'm making fart jokes in lieu of paying my light bill. Not every conversation has to be deadly serious. Fun and happiness are allowed in the universe. Why am I so stressed about this?

Does this just happen over time without noticing it?

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, @Sweetpea76. I think it does gather strength over time. As a person who's been through emotional abuse, that is how it works . . . a little bit here, a little bit there, over the course of days and years, it adds up. I'm a sufferer but I NEVER lash out at my husband anymore. Not in the last 10 years. I did it when I was first diagnosed and before being diagnosed and getting treatment, but never again. My first goal was to get my anger under control for the sake of our marriage, and I did. It can be done. :hug:s

 

[Sighs]

I think it kinda happens like this... He stresses about A. You know that so when A happens you then tense for his response. Over time, like Pavlov's dogs A starts to stress you out even when A happens away from your vet. Or at least, that's how it seems to have happened for me...

Hugs @Sweetpea76 !

 

[Mytime]

I think I get where your coming from.
But I could be wrong :). When we hear the same rant over and over, we start to feel the stress. But I don't think we believe the rant but we believe the stress. So we try to ease the stress, by trying to fix the rant.
But the truth is we can't fix it, because it's not our rant or our stress
but we can take it on. If that makes sense, lol. As far as joking, that is how you have both handled things.
He is just not himself right now and you are still you. It has nothing to do with you, your not being immature in anyway . He's just not him and putting it on you. Sending support and hugs :)

 

[dulcia]

I was just curious if any other long time supporters ever feel like they get caught up in their sufferer's negating thinking patterns or ideas

It's more like I've found myself starting to believe some of his rants and stressing about things he stresses about. I know it's bullshit, but I catch myself stressing about it.

To me, caught up in a sufferer's negative thinking patterns/ideas is different from stressing about things he stresses about. But I have found myself mirroring some of my SO's negative perceptions (of people, of the world) once or twice and it makes me wonder who is helping/hurting who.

 

[boodle]

I was just curious if any other long time supporters ever feel like they get caught up in their suff...

It's not like I'm making fart jokes in lieu of paying my light bill.

Please continue make fart jokes whilst paying your light bill @Sweetpea76. In fact can you post them on here as I think we can all do with a laugh, ha ha! :laugh::D:p

 

[Amack]

I definitely "get" this post. My sufferer does HORRIBLE all throughout the holidays and he has been symptomatic for months:banghead: aside from his taking 3 months to break from counseling. Good times.:confused: I get caught up more in realizing when he is about to spin out of control. Recognizing his behavior before he even does sends me to negative-villa. I will literally get tense and could if I allowed myself panic (and I still do sometimes.:facepalm: ............ It is so frustrating when he decides to take breaks from therapy. He believes it helps, :stop:I promise it does NOT.

I start thinking of all the positive in my life, and reminding myself I DON'T have Cptsd!! And focus my thoughts on myself...;)as my therapist has suggested doing when I feel I am allowing him or his delusions, outburst, or avoidance to pull me down. Somedays are better....:whistling:

 

[~April]

I completely understand . When I realized that was happening with us I taught myself to catch the signs ... I've never had anxiety ever so it's an alien feeling for me. When I feel even the slightest hint of it I remove myself either physically or mentally from the situation ... I find my quiet self and that part of me can look at it , rationalize what's happening, and remind me this isn't my CPTSD its his and his anxiety isn't my anxiety ... my quiet self is much wiser lol keep cracking jokes please laughter is always the best medicine and inner joy heals and strengthens us so we can be there for the ones we love so much.....

 

[ninja]

I think it is natural to begin to pick up behaviors from people we spend a lot of time around. Have you thought about joining an improv club?

 

[grimalkin]

I get it. I know, intellectually, that all *flails hands around* this is directly and indirectly caused by his CPTSD, it's offshoots of anxiety and depression, and his lack of dealing with it for 30-odd years. I was merely a trigger. But then I think...well...he's right. I DIDN'T listen to him about my own health concerns. He DID tell me he was a mess, not to get involved, and that he wouldn't change the walled off person he is, and here I am, asking him to CHANGE (ie, get help, finally).

It's so hard not to go down that road. Since I suffer from anxiety and depression myself (even if it's in remission right now YAY), it's so very easy to listen to his negative voices, and agree with them, and feed off his stress, and get stressed myself...I'm finally learning to just say no. Step away, give him the space he obviously needs. Don't poke at him. And don't listen to the negativity!

 

[grimalkin]

(And by CPTSD I mean childhood...or would that be cPTSD? - anyway, not to be confused with COMBAT PTSD)

 

[TheMinsterman]

My OCD definitely flares up in response to my SOs trauma spirals. It's like I get invested in what she's feeling and going through, sadly OCD wants to answer all questions and solve everything and get involved in making sure things work out.

I start to get into nervous and anxious patterns almost like I am living the same issues. Its very strange because before I wouldn't do that, I'd stay calm and be supportive, but now the trauma spirals are so much more dramatic it's like I get sucked into them in a sense. There was always breaks in between before, the odd day, you could maintain your composure.