Gf W Ptsd - How To Manage Escalations/attacks?

[Coal]

I've been dating a wonderful girl now for about 20 months.

During that time, we've gone from sweet and loving when disagreeing to some really concerning behaviour. I only figured out (then she confirmed) that she has PTSD *yesterday*. She's known for about 7 months. We haven't discussed yet why she chose not to include me in that - I've been completely transparent about my being Bipolar II - and why she's spent part of that 7 months trying to blame my own condition for this.

When I need support, I try to lean on her and soon find the following
- She tries, but then turns the conversation to how my venting (not about her) or support request makes her feel
- When I point out she's made the conversation about her, she begins to tell me I need to pay attention to her needs
- When I resist, she escalates and begins to interrupt me constantly, belittle me, and keeps trying to get me to support her. One way that comes across is that she needs me to tell her she was not wrong about X. She was wrong about X. I don't want to lie, but I also can't agree with her because doing that will erode the relationship itself. Catch-22.
- She often compares me to her exes, which I am NOTHING like. They have physically and verbally abused her, called her names, etc. I get she perceives me wearing her ex's suit - I admit some things she does smacks of my ex and triggers me and I need to remember this woman is loving, not controlling, to get myself over it.
- When I try to end the call because it's just gone too far and I'm flailing, she threatens that makes her feel suicidal and alone and abandoned.
- A couple days later, she'll tell me that I should not take to heart anything she said, it was all from "the way she gets" - which I now know is PTSD (therapist-evaluated).

She also triggers during road trips and with her control issues, that makes being 100 miles in the middle of nowhere incredibly challenging for both of us.
She triggers on distressing events. etc.

I'm at my rope's end.

She's a fantastic woman, but I have my own anger issues and these trigger some of my own reactions that make some of these phases guaranteed sometimes.

I need some tools.
- I can't stand being belittled, called names, told that I'm only using her for sex, or constantly interrupted. I get upset and defenses go up (I'm a recovered Bipolar II w/ irritability person myself). What do I do when she does that?
- I can't lie to her when she needs me to tell her she did something fine when in fact it's probably why I'm trying to have the conversation with her in the first place - to ask her to modify a behaviour. Should I lie to get through the moment? Because 2 weeks later, I'll hear about how I agreed with her assessment and now it's my fault I'm... you get it.

I've been told by my therapist that I should end this relationship. She's really awesome most of the time tho. But yesterday, for example, she absolutely crushed me. I haven't been that near tears in a long time. It's affecting my personal life and my work life.

You can't save a drowning person if they take you down with them. But having some tools can make someone who would be dangerous to the novice, manageable by the pro.

Tools, links, etc. really appreciated.

 

[Coal]

.Change deleted.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @Coal, we actually do have a Test Section, where you can create a test thread. You'll find that section through the link I put in for you:
Link Removed

And to reach our staff, you do have 2 possibilities:
1. Go to the help desk section. Open a new thread and ask your question. Click on the link below. OR
https://www.myptsd.com/forums/help-desk-feedback.28/
2. Report your own post (on the lower left side of each of your posts is a "Report" button. Click on it and ask your question resp. report the fault you made. (In this case, you posted in the wrong forum section. As the correct one would have been the test section.)

Okay, those two ways are more helpful than just a "yo admins", as with that you won't reach anyone from staff... Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[Coal]

I figured it out, thanks.
Message updated, no longer a test message.
Just frustrated it used my name instead of a username to display my messages - bad form on a forum like this.

 

[StarChild]

I only figured out (then she confirmed) that she has PTSD *yesterday*. She's known for about 7 months.

Hi @Coal does she have a therapist? And if yes, did you hear that therapist personally saying, that she has PTSD? Or does she just say, her therapist says, that she has it? I'm asking this, as her behavior sounds much more likely to be a Borderline Personality Disorder...

 

[Coal]

Hi @Coal does she have a therapist? And if yes, did you hear that therapist person...

Oh geez. My ex has ninja skills in that one (now that one I did hear from the therapist). I'm super gullible to their wiles - more than most.

No, I have not heard it from her therapist. And now that you mention it, PTSD been alluded to more than specified as relates to her behaviour. I suspect there is some PTSD given her history (it's pretty rough).

 

[Coal]

Hmm. Sorry, I can't post links yet.

Well geez
clearviewwomenscenter
com
borderline-narcissistic-personality-disorder-differences.html
"...those with BPD are often over-responsive to other’s concerns, especially when they are in the “idealization” phase of a relationship. But anger and resentment from putting the other’s concerns first inevitably cycles around, causing resentment, at which point the relationship will enter the “devaluation” phase..."

Some alignment with my GF.
More complex tho, because she doesn't exhibit these BPD traits, which my ex does.

• No - An exaggerated sense of one’s own abilities and achievements
• exhibits - A constant need for attention, affirmation, and praise
• No - A belief that you are unique or “special,” and should only associate with other people of the same status
• No - Persistent fantasies about attaining success and power
• No - Exploiting other people for personal gain
• Only during big fights - A sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment
• No - A preoccupation with power or success
• Possibly - Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of you
• Definitely not - A lack of empathy for others

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Certain things also remind me a bit of myself, when I was in a worse place and didn't really know what was wrong and well. The first months (I'm not sure how long, I try to forget that afwul behaviour) I talked a lot about my ex as well, which was a horrible person and I usually don't call him my ex, because we didn't have a love relationship. But to keep things simple: I compared my partner with him and I talked about the ex in a positive way. That was all because I was still very confused and struggling with the diagnosis, with everything that happened to me. I'm glad that period is over. My partner had a really hard time and almost gave up aa couple of times, but luckily he didn't. I'm not sure it will go the same way with you, but I hope so.

Don't lie to her, that's really important. Sometimes I find it very difficult to hear what I did when I was not myself but in an 'attack'. So I'll try to deny it and act childish. However, it's the truth and eventually I'll be able to listen to it. If you lie and then later try to speak the truth, it might feel to her like you're betraying her (even though that's not fair to you), because you lied to her.

Try to make an agreement that sometimes it's about her and sometimes it'll be about you. Also, it might help to write things down when she is doing 'fine'. When she's not suspicious about your behaviour etc. For example that you agreed that you will tell her if she hasn't behaved well. I've also written down stuff in the past together with my partner, such as that when I was having a panick attack, he would cuddle me (and at the same time make sure that I wouldn't do something stupid). Also that when he said I was acting irritated or angry that would probably be true and if it isn't true I wouldn't mind cuddling anyway. I've also written down stuff like why it wasn't my fault I got raped etc. Because I kept forgetting all those things we figured out together, but now I could read them back when I was going to have an attack or after. To make sure that I wouldn't think (a little) that he was lying about an agreement.

It's important that she knows and remembers that you love her and try to help her (when she's having an 'episode' it's possible she doesn't see that). That you're not trying to hurt her, but that her behaviour would destruct things for her.

I also think you should try to find some time for yourself. Go to an event you like by yourself for example. You can also try to do things with her, but sometimes some time alone is fine. And if she's unable to go, you don't have to be forced to always stay with her. Especially when you're having such a hard time, you should try to have some relaxation too. Maybe the fights will be less when you're spending less time together. Although in my case, that makes the symptoms get worse and I get more anxious thus have more episodes. So you should really try some things and what you think would be best. You probably know yourself and herself best.

I really hope it'll work out and that you'll have the strength to do what you'd want to do and what your heart says. Therapists or people aren't always right.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I never think it's wise to advise someone as if you can ever really know what is or isn't going on in their relationship or SO's mind. That said, this:

She tries, but then turns the conversation to how my venting (not about her) or support request makes her feel

smacks of narcissism (as do other pieces of what you've said), and makes me think, run for the hills. Someone who routinely takes whatever you say and insists on making it about what they are feeling is very likely somewhere in the NPD area and this can be insidious. I'm biased by personal experience, but my experience was much like what you're describing and even though I was much much more confused when I was in it, I wish in retrospect that such red flags had been clearer to me. It's easy to get gaslit and manipulated into being too confused to see such things at their face value. If you are trying to communicate in earnest your own feelings and needs, a partner *must* be able to at least acknowledge and engage with these things, not turn everything around to be about how they feel.

I realize just walking away is easier said than done, but you've listed quite a few things that raise flags to me.