Girlfriend Has Ptsd, Anxiety And Depression- I Have Some Questions

[LloydBraun]

Hi everyone. I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months, fell for her hard right away. I can see marrying her. I am divorced and was always scared of marrying again, but this gal fits what I have always wanted. She let me know early on that she deals with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. I was not scared off one bit. My ex cheated on me, which was the end of the marriage, so this is where everything becomes tricky I guess. I have been all in with my girlfriend and have gushed over her because I really am just blown away by this wonderful woman. These past two months though she has really kind of pulled away. She will be locked in on her phone, hide it/bring it everywhere she goes. She can get very short and cold towards me out of nowhere. I trust her and have done nothing to question her or our relationship. I am just wondering if this kind of withdrawing and coldness is common with what she goes through? I am not upset or thinking she is up to anything, I am just really confused at times. I wonder if all the stress has worn her down? She never wants to talk and I never push her into talking. I always let her know how great she is and how I will be here along side her. Just so stumped by her sometimes. I've never experienced anything like this, so I do not want to handle it poorly. I really feel she is the one. I can go on and on about this.
Thanks

 

[hangingon]

I too am dating someone with ptsd. Withdrawal, avoidance, sudden coldeness are all things I'm dealing with. All of which mimic cheating signs. Its really difficult becsuse the person with ptsd has trust issues & nerds to feel loved and supported despite their actions. So the supporter (you) needs to remain all in, nonaccusing unless you have good reason. It feels counter productive. Often times the act of being the supporter is extremely draining. I recently ordered a couple of the books advertised on here. I also pray & cry daily. . .I'm reading that there are cycles that are up and down. Currently in a down period with mine. Continually pray. Discuss things when she's in a good phase.

 

[Forgetful]

@LloydBraun Welcome to the forums.

During periods of increased stress (both good and bad stress) people with PTSD tend to isolate. New relationships can be stressful. This may be what's happening. I'm glad you've found these forums. There is a lot of information here as well as good people and support. I think it's great your looking into PTSD and trying to understand what she may be going through. We with PTSD can be kind of tricky to deal with at times and symptoms are many and varied. I wish my H would try to learn more.

Is she in therapy? I feel it's very important to have that support.

I'm sorry I don't know how to post a link but a couple of threads that can help you understand more:-
Anthony'so article on The Stress Cup and an area in the supporters section about Sufferers Symptoms. These can help get you started on your journey.

Congratulations on your new relationship and trying to learn more.

 

[Seasounds]

Your thoughtfulness is commendable. I think it is always helpful to get information about PTSD and seek support, like you are doing. Realistically, it is common to revert to more dysfunctional behaviors, once the relationship seems to be solidified; we all do it. Relationships take skills, mutual understanding, and adjustments-to the point that both partners are comfortable.

Even though your partner has PTSD, you can still voice your needs, and expect a level of relationship skills, so that the relationship can work. You don't have to excuse her behavior, to PTSD, and learn how to live with it. You can see if you can get your needs met. Likewise, she may need some help, being in relationship to your pattern and seeing if her needs are being met.

It is good to separate and clarify the isolating behavior from her having an affair. In the end, a relationship is about connecting, and if you aren't getting the connection you want, kindly speak to her. If she can't keep in connection with you, maybe she isn't ready for the relationship.

Truly, if you are seeing something that isn't working for you, you can only expect it to continue. It is a good time to practice relational processing. John Gottman, Ph.D, has some great books on making relationships work.

I thought to add a personal experience. Being someone with PTSD, I have been on both sides of this situation; the one with less relational skills, and the one with more relational skills. If the balance does or doesn't work for you, it is always worth seeing if you can make the relationship work with personal or couples counseling--ask around for a personal referral, good ones are hard to find. And after therapy options, if you still feel shut out, you can always, lovingly move on. And if you have the connection you want, then you helped create it!

 

[LloydBraun]

She was going to therapy, but that ended about 2 weeks ago. She stopped smoking reefer right around the time she started acting weird. Pot was her anxiety medication, so maybe that has something to do with it. She would tell me 3 months ago that I'm the guy she always wanted and never thought she would find. But she just seems so uninterested in romantic stuff recently (no sex drive, not into cuddling much). I think she is just overwhelmed with everything else in her life, so that could be why she has been "off" lately as she put it. Previous relationships she said she was used for sex and was always on guard with the guy who gave her PTSD (she said she had to hide her phone all the time). So I wonder even with my genuine loving ways, she thinks back to bad times in old relationships. I know this 3 headed monster of anxiety, depression and PTSD can be devasting. I just get confused because I'm coming from the heart, that's all I know how to. No bullshit. I also wonder if she self sabbatages relationships. We are pretty deep in it & who knows, maybe the BS with her son's father has flared up her anxiety/PTSD that she is second guessing everything. We call ourselves a family, her son, my kids and us. Is PTSD something that can prevent a sufferer from fully letting a supporter in? She says I'm the only one to really support, but there are times where she pushes me away. I'm that guy who will be there in good times and bad times. Love is a strong thing. Sorry this is all over the place.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

She was going to therapy, but that ended about 2 weeks ago. She stopped smoking reefer right around t...

@LloydBraun hi there, I know exactly what you're talking about. I was living with my now ex gf and as the coldness descended I couldn't help but take it personally. I had no resources to get a handle on her PTSD and I honestly didn't know about her PTSD until about three months into living together. We would get into arguments over why she couldn't help out with domestic stuff, the intimacy was suddenly gone, and she was just miserable all the time despite my Herculean efforts. It made no sense UNTIL I found this forum and started educating myself. I WISH she had led me here but sadly she didn't know how to help me understand better. What happened was, she told me we couldn't live together anymore; we were supposed to still date though, hoping not living together would take some pressure off but she broke up with me three days later after I had given her the silence she wanted. It was premature on her part. I know she still loves me and I still love her. Three months later she is still triggered. We talk sporadically. I understand more now and I forgive her for the way she handled things. I really just miss the sweet, loving person I first feel for. I feel like she definitely sabotaged things. She would often say how she didn't deserve me, and how she was afraid she would mess the most important thing to her up, etc.
The plus side for you is that you're here and have the resources to draw upon while the relationship is still alive. I wish I had that chance. But who knows, she might find herself again and come back (but can't count on it)

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm hesitant to say this is a PTSD episode due to the phone thing. I mean when I'm "off" the first thing I do is back off of using my phone. I have other friends who have mental health issues too and I know they decrease their contact with others too when in a bad place. The phone clinginess just seems off. I'm wary about her being so locked into her phone. I get the feeling that she's in contact with someone else. I wouldn't automatically conclude she's cheating, but I'd definitely try and get to the bottom of it all.

 

[LloydBraun]

She has always been attached to her phone since we started dating, but her getting nervous sometimes when I'm chilling with her is the thing that irks me. She told me early on that she still keeps in contact with ex's even thought they have f*cked her over. Friends are friends and I don't care, just as long as there is no funny business going on. I told it was strange and she agreed, but said they were all friends first. I don't know, a lot of this doesn't add up. I genuinely trust her. She made it clear with me that she wouldn't break my heart. I just hope she isn't full of shit since I am fully intrenched in her son's life now, the boy adores me and I adore him. My children love her and her son. I just don't get how she could be full on about marrying and then downplaying all my gushiness towards her. I have never once wavered in my love spewing gestures. I've been her rock, and continue to prop her up and support her 100%. She is my gal, and that's what we do!

 

[Forgetful]

Hi again @LloydBraun. I'm going to keep this coherent but please forgive if it's not. As I write this I am watching my granddaughter who is only 2 1/2, cooking dinner, thinking and writing all at the same time.

Thank you for the additional info.

Stopping the weed will definitely contribute to her increased stress. It was a coping mechanism. Been there, done that. That along with no therapy now adds to that stress. I also lost sex drive when I stopped smoking. Although for me the only time I could relax enough to even have sex was when I was high. After quitting I had a flashback during sex (my trauma was rape) so that ended sexual relations with H. Of course her loss of drive could be a different reason.

Yes, PTSD can prevent full immersion into a relationship. Alot of trust issues especially if it trauma was from inside a relationship.

Pushing loved ones away is a typical reaction to overwhelming periods of stress. So is isolation. Please don't take it personally. Chances are it's the PTSD not you personally. It becomes very difficult to deal with the overwhelming feelings, stress and other symptoms going on within us. There just isn't enough energy to deal with everything so something has to go. Unfortunately it's usually those closest to us that goes.

Do some learning here. Talk to other supporters, they can give you coping tips. Take care of yourself. You have to remain well in order to help her. If you feel it may help, counseling for you is suggested.

During this difficult time remind her that you love her and are there for her in a kind, caring way. But give her space to decompress too.

I hope this was understandable to read. When I'm symptomatic words and thoughts get jumbled.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think it's about "funny business" so much as the need to keep people in your life who have fckd you over. Billions of awesome people in the world and someone wants to hold on to bad apples? Why? To what end? I have high expectations of my friends so if someone screws me over in a relationship there is no going back to being just friends (as if it's a lower type of relationship-----it isn't.)

 

[LloydBraun]

On the flip side, she could be showing me what these 3 illnesses do to her. In a way, showing me what is behind the curtain. She did tell me early on that if she acts weird to not worry that it's me, but sometimes I feel she still doubts me even though I've done nothing for her to question. I'm all about her and tell all the time, which would normally excite a woman. I'm really laid back and can handle a lot, so I feel we jive perfectly. Kind of that ying yang thing going on. I'm just gonna stick to my guns like I do with everything. Genuine loving, caring and support.

 

[RAOK]

Advice needed
I started a relationship with someone 7 years ago, we are both married! The relationship has mostly been friend , the chemistry and attraction is there. we havr not been initimate, other than a rare hug kiss.

Although both our marriages are far from ideal, both feel trapped because of children, pressure from family etc. There has always been an element of guilt in being in love with each other whilst being married to someone else. But we have managed to hold it together, although if guilt had been too much we have pulled away a little but always come back slowly.

Recently, my girlfreind lost a good friend to cancer, then a few weeks her husband told her he did not want her to be freinds with someone she has been freinds with for 20 years. He then told her what his expectations of her were. Also having problems with parents. Basically a lot of issues to deal with in a very short time.

Whilst she was dealing with all this, she started pulling away from me, saying she felt guilty about us, wanted to remain freinds, but recognise that feelings between us were the same. She always wears a ring that I brough her, which she took off. When I asked about it she said thats it no more of anything that is indicative of relationship, but could tell she was stressed, then week later she wore it again and has continued to wear it.

Last couple of weeks she has started to almost undo the having backed off. We have agreed that we do not want to get back to square one and do things that cause fear on someone knowing about relationship and guilt. I have started to get feeling that she wants the relationship, but wants to call it a special freindship, so she can feel that she is not doing anything wrong.

My question is, has my girfreinds reaction been situational? being under so much stress, she has shut down on other stressors and as other things start to resolve themselves, she will slowly reestablish our relationship?

My confusion.comes from fact that she.is adamant that nothing has.changed from feelings point. In fact she.said.that if I ever left work (we work at same company), she is not sure if she would want to stay if.I was not.there.