Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

Okay, @desiderata310 I will choose to treat myself and turn this thing around, thanks

@She Cat I will go out of here and celebrate me and I refuse to wallow in it as that is counter productive to my goals.I will form a plan of things to do on her birthday and decide to be celebrating that I am much stronger and do not take the shit off of anyone ever again.

Thank you both for confirming what I already knew. I appreciate that the holidays and birthdays are going to be extra hard to to get through but I will not go there. I appreciate what you both said to me.

I realize that she is waiting for me to blink first. I do need to be very adamant and strong inside of me and refuse to touch this one with a ten foot pole.

I will not do this thing with her. It is her dance without me as a willing partner anymore. She can dance alone for all that I care.

Thank you both for confirming the need to be strong and resist the temptations to reach out as new rules now apply to this toxic situation. I will protect myself from being a willing victim to her anymore.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Just remember if you contact her, she believes she now has the upper hand on you,.... Another thing I've always remember is this phrase.. To open the door, is to ask for more abuse. If you text or call, it's like opening the door... keep the door closed firmly no matter how hard this is right now.....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just remember if you contact her, she believes she now has the upper hand on you,.... Another thing I've always remember is this phrase.. To open the door, is to ask for more abuse. If you text or call, it's like opening the door... keep the door closed firmly no matter how hard this is right now.....

I do not want to open this door at all. It is hard to resist temptation but I have been going no contact for a while now. Thank you. I do not want to play her mind games or give in to her at this point at all. Reason won the day as far as I am concerned. thank you so much for supporting me through these hard and difficult moments. I do not want her to believe that she has the upper hand over me ever. Thank you so much for this reality check. I really needed it.:hug:

 

[Heather]

@Rain You are doing a great job of standing up for yourself. You are very strong and courageous!

Keep on, keeping on.

Love you :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you @Heather I appreciate the encouragement and support. I am just having a little bit of a hard time over my daughters birthday coming up soon. It is strange the things that do affect me. I am still all caught up in wanting to do the things I have always done.

It is a little challenging to change me and change direction after all of these years. But I will do as you suggest, and I appreciate this.

I hope that school is so much fun for you and everything goes smoothly for you and your daughter.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I find myself counting off the days and still do not have a plan for myself to help me cope and manage better. I figure the first year is the hardest for the milestone birthdays and holidays etc.

I am no longer tempted to contact her..but I am dreading her birthday. This is so much like an ugly divorce without the courts!:mad::mad::mad:

I know I will do a lot of self care on the 12th of this month. I will try to keep my mind off of the day as much as is possible for me. I am very thankful that I am not going to place me in harms way regarding her in anyway.

So may memories of all of the good birthdays. A big part of me is so confused because I am still in denial of reality. A big part of me just does not understand the new arrangement with my daughter. I have so much to release all of these toxic emotions.

This is buried so deep inside of me. I am still in partial shock ever this separation,,,a big part of me just does understand what is going on. I have been able to express a lot of pent up frustrations, and emotions but I think I have a long way to go.

I was never prepared for this and wonder how this all changed so suddenly. I cannot be myself with her and I do not want to expose my vulnerabilities to her at all.:ninja:

Some days are better than others for me. All of the codependent stuff has rushed to the front of me demanding to be dealt with to relieve me of this heart ache. I know that I will survive, but not looking forward to the experience.

I do not want to give her the feeling or thought that she has the upper hand in any way at all. Staying far away from her is the best thing I can do. It is the one thought that is finally getting to me that her family will be celebrating with her as if all is normal without me. I think this is the source of my shock. What helps to defuse the shock over realizating things like this?:confused::(:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:

 

[Deleted member 541]

You're in for the long haul. Just remember that this may never be resolved and that you very well might spend the rest of your life estranged from your daughter. It's been over 3 years this time for me, but I've also gone 6 yrs, so this is nothing new for me.

You're also still very early into this, and feelings are still very dry raw. My only advice... keep very busy. Sitting around lets the mind wander to places that you really don't/shouldn't go!!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just remember that this may never be resolved and that you very well might spend the rest of your life estranged from your daughter.

Wow, I have not yet thought of that in that time frame,yet it is five months now and almost half a year of no contact so you may have been spot on with this one. It is depressing, yet I cannot go back to her on her terms at all.

I feel depressed about this today. I woke up feeling off. I am trying to right myself as I slowly wake up and thinking about this is very depressing. I think the first year is going to be the hardest and after the first year anniversary rolls around I may be in better shape than I am right now.

I have a lunch date, tentative today. I have to wait and see, but I think if we do go ahead and do this, I will be pushing myself out of the door to go. I do not get very many chances to socialize and I know that I need to be busier than I am.

Yesterday was awful. I was missing the kids so much. This is the longest amount of time that I have been separated from both of them. I think it is better that I do not know what is going on in their lives. I would only stress and worry more I think.

I feel kind of numbed out today. I guess this is a kind of a good thing. I have been stressing yesterday, everything seemed to hit me all at once. I hope that I will come out of this okay. I am looking forward to the oldest's eighteenth birthday in December. I am hoping that he will realize how much freedom he has and be curious enough to contact me and I hope that I see him again. I have so many years of my life invested in both kids.

Time will tell all that has happened in this separation.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I went through some of my drawings and in them was so many drawings from my kids when they were little which really threw me into missing my daughter. My son was killed from a bad motorcycle accident so many years ago and yep, I am missing him big time too.

I am really missing my daughter and resisted the urge to text her. I know with my head that it is all over and she is fine with me staying away from her and her family. But the feelings were so strong.

I feel so defeated today about this situation. Really strong and powerful feelings tugging at my heart so bad. I hate this but I know the only way is through the pain. I am fighting accepting things as they are and so badly want to contact her and just talk to see where her head is at, and yet at the same time, the pull is still there for me to stay away.

I really do hate this situation so much. I woke up feeling off today, nothing is working except for me feeling these awful feelings and memories. I do hate this so much. It is so hard to stand strong today. My heart only knows the pain of missing my daughter and the kids.

Most of the time I am just fine and do not miss her anymore, but today my heart refuses to hear the sad truth. I really wish that I could get out of here and go someplace today. I have zero motivation to do anything at all. I just do not get this. :bag::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::bawling::bawling::bawling::bawling::bawling::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::inpain:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I know that we are 2 totally different people and have very different coping styles and mechanisms, so I won't judge you on this one.... I will tell you what it did... I threw out everything she had ever given me, all pictures, everything. I wanted no reminder of her anywhere within my site.

Do I hate her? No, but I also don't like the person she became. I don't like the fact that as a smart intelligent beautiful woman, she chose drugs over her life and everyone in it. I don't like the fact that she decided her family wasn't as important as getting her head on straight and out of her ass, and decided drugs was a better way to go. I don't like the fact that she blames everyone in and around her for her failings in life instead of taking responsibility for her life and actions. I don't like the fact that she has lied her entire life. For these reasons and my own sanity....... I have NOTHING of her around to remind me of her!,,,

My way of dealing.....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I don't like the fact that she blames everyone in and around her for her failings in life instead of taking responsibility for her life and actions. I don't like the fact that she has lied her entire life.

I can see the wisdom of your choices, @She Cat . I do not like so much about her right now either. I was having a really bad day and was not prepared to see the drawings, nor feel the emotions at the time they were drawn either. It was a huge mistake on my part to continue looking at them after the first one, one mistake I will not make again.

I have thrown so much away of mine to block out the bad memories these things were connecting me to along with painful reminders. Thank you for not judging me.

I had a really lousy day yesterday, realizing that I am still trauma bonded to my daughter and I am not happy where this sick bond can place me in my own head and heart.

What you said I agree with entirely. My daughter has chosen to be a lousy, rogue mother to the kids and does cry the victim, all of the time, and pretty much is doing so much damage to the kids all of the time in her warped reality or unreality I should say.

This morning I am feeling okay. I have plans to go out to breakfast with a good friend. I am going to get out of here today and have some fun and laughs. I am hoping to get some help and support from this friend and she gets this from me as well.

I am not there yet in the place you have been. I know that someday I will get there and all things will be dealt with in a much better way.

It is going to take me some time to get used to the real version, I am beginning to see that my daughter has chosen to become. I have more connection to her false self than anything else still.

I do think I am still in a lot of denial and just sheer shock at her true colors now. But I also know that this sick bond I have with her still has me in a kind of a stranglehold. My family has been so decimated and I am still grieving over my losses of my husband and son. I had placed so much hope in my daughter as family, that it became a very dangerous position for me to have.

With my head, I am so aware of what needs to be done. but my heart does not have the same information that my head has and if I could find the way to getting the facts into my heart where it does the most good, I would be in a better position to deal with all of her crap and lies.

It is all up to me, I am aware of this fact. I want to be able to start healing again from all that has taken place in the last five months. You have been a rock solid support to me and have been spot on about all of it which I appreciate so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me to get to this place in time. I always value what you have to say about this. I really listen to you and I do trust that you have been where I am now. No one could make this crap up.

This is the cruelest form of betrayal I have ever experienced in my life. It is so very complicated by the two grandkids who I love and adore. To be separated from them over my daughter's mind games and warped sense of needing to revenge herself for misperceived crimes against her from me is so insidious. I am still having problems wrapping my head around this one.

I always end up back where I started to go no contact. I have so far been able to detach or let go enough yet. It is a complete dead end, I know this. I do not know why I feel so stuck. I really hate this and realize I am the only one to change. It is all up to me and the choices I make each day determines my tomorrows. Thanks for being here and not giving up on me.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain The bottom line is,,,,,, She is still your daughter, and your mouth says one thing, but your heart and head say another. You still love your daughter very deeply and will forever. Over time though that love will change. You will become more distant, more wary, less concerned, less and less involved with the thinking patterns of her on a daily basis. It's like a friend that you used to have, but have lost contact with. But, oddly enough the love will still be there, just somewhere in the back and not so much in front and in your face....

Just takes time and patience......