Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I know. I know how broken, angry, sad, defeated, hurt, betrayed, and pissed that you are. I went through all of it too, again and again. My daughter and I would get back together and then things would implode again, and every emotion would come rushing back. This happened so many times I lost count.

I know how much it hurts about the kids too. My oldest grandson hasn't spoken to me in maybe 4-5 yrs because I tried to help his mother out. That's his choice though..... the whole thing just makes your world spin with emotions.

Just keep reminding yourself that you didn't do anything wron and that this is all on her!!!!! It will get easier... it takes time, but it does get easier....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry @She Cat for all that you have gone through for so many years. Thank you for knowing how I feel,that helps far more than anyone can know.

I read something today that the grieving never stops but the pain dulls with time. I can never have contact with my daughter again, I know this for myself. I know what my limits are and I reached mine a while ago. So far she is leaving me alone. It is so hard to talk to my grandson and see how he has turned against me so fast. So I think that this backstabbing has gone on for a very long time, maybe always, I will never know.

It is that I was doing so much better until I had to contact my grandson to tell them to come and get their stuff because I cannot afford to store it for them. My daughter sees me as no longer someone she can use anymore and thus all of the hatred towards me. Maybe it is the fact that she understands now that I am so done with her that she is leaving me alone. It is also because I am no longer reaching out to the grandkids the ways I was used to. I have had to adjust and accept so much bad in such a short time.

I will heal again I think after they come and get their stuff. The space and distance between us really has made such a great difference for me. I see it as a positive thing because I know in my heart that I do not deserve to be abused the way she has been abusing me. I actually had a scab that had formed over my wounds and it was ripped off by being forced to have contact with my grandson and to see how much he has changed towards me. In such a short time too. I guess that hurts the most and it will take me awhile to get used to this. But it is far better to have no contact with all of them since they are being this way with me. No more control of me from my daughter. I am so done with her and I can so understand you going back to your daughter too. If I did not know what I was dealing with, and how to best deal with her I would go back too. The temptation is so strong to reconnect in some way still. In spite of everything she has said and done to me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My situation has changed for the better and it was with great pleasure that i texted my grandson and said I was going to stay here so for now to forget about getting their stuff. I was just not ready to face and deal with them coming over here with the way things are right now. I feel so much better now.

 

[Butterflies2023]

I am a month into no contact and I had a smear campaign against me with false accusations on facebook. i j...

Whenever I get the troubling thought - I talk to myself and say ok I know this is my troubling thought and I recognize it - I say a prayer - for patience - I do everything I can to divert my attention to something else right there and then like music or googling new topics like just any topic. Try to pick up new sport - take lessons tennis or pickle ball or anything! Use this time to learn to hobbies. The time will come when those grand kids will reconnect. If it's possible maybe you could plan to just pick up kids in parents driveway (short on time say) and go to a movie. Plan a movie night once a month or every two months. But if that is still too close to narcissistic person then just give it time. Trust your instincts. Be patient. I have a couple of very narcissistic people in my life and I just dread meeting up with them. When I do it's usually out of obligation and I keep it to a very well planned thought out SHORT visit and they too know I won't be there long. It seems to work. But I do follow my 6 month rule - when there comes a time these people burn me - I give it 6 months. Then slowly reconnect for those short well planned visits and eventually those visits become less often. They will eventually latch into someone else - there next victim.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that all of those things you suggested are good ones, but not practical for me at this time. All contact with the family has been cut off and the possibility of picking the kids up is not going to happen.

 

[Butterflies2023]

Yea - for me as well. my sibling and ex husband. I simply cannot see my ex - not even in same room or conference hall or city! Lol. But my sister I stopped for a year then each time I make an effort - it's always me driving to her - then getting hurt. But she wants me to stay in touch. (Seriously?) I am at a point right now of just saying look I tried. They are both extremely manipulative and narcissistic. What I have discovered is that other people become very rewarding to me and I look forward to meeting them. I keep the doors open. Thankfully I am better able to QUICKLY discern who makes a good connection - I have a feeling you do too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Today I am drowning in the realizations that my daughter has really f*cked with my mind and I am so overreactive lately it is scaring me because it feels so out of control but it is not, I am making choices, and whethor or not they are good or bad choices remains to be seen. I am just drowning in the fact that my self confidence is not what it was four months ago when all of this started and the fact remains, I am messed up in my head and am just trying to find a center that is balanced, something solid to hang onto. She really messed up my overreactivity and PTSD symptoms are majorly flaring and this is so scary. I feel cast adrift and just do not recognize me anymore. I know that there is hope later on down the line when enough time has passed and I become numbed to the pain. I know with my head that I will get used to what it going on. But I find the aftermath frightening. I mean I am scared of myself. I find myself saying and doing things I would never under different circumstances but since it all went down off on me, I have not been the same and I feel suddenly fragile and so vulnerable, and ultra sensitive to things I would not have taken personally before. I find I am more confrontive than I was before. Is this normal or am I a wack job now?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I soooo understand everything that you are going through right now. I really do. You are questioning yourself, and you are going over every word, action and time that you had with your daughter. Your mind is reeling trying to figure out where you went wrong, what you might have done differently, what you said or didn't say. The scenarios are playing over and over making you feel nuts.

@Rain Stop!!!!!! Ok, you have PTSD and you believe that your daughter may have some mental disorder too. This makes for a really tough relationship to begin with. No relationship is perfect, and with 2 people that have mental issues, it makes it even harder. if only 1 is actively working on getting better, then it's still not healthy.

You're depressed, I believe that you are extremely angry, and all of this shit with your daughter is just bringing up a shitload of more feelings too. Let's talk about betrayal. Let's talk about anger. Depression. Hurt. Frustration. Abandonment. Have I even touched the surface yet??????

I've been where you are and I know every emotion and feeling and probably thought that you are having. I know how hard this is. I really do..... Hugs!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You're depressed, I believe that you are extremely angry, and all of this shit with your daughter is just bringing up a shitload of more feelings too. Let's talk about betrayal. Let's talk about anger. Depression. Hurt. Frustration. Abandonment. Have I even touched the surface yet??????

Right on the mark, @She Cat I am feeling a ton of all kinds of feelings. I am extremely angry at her for ripping me off and robbing me of my grandkids and turning them against me. She has totally and completely betrayed the entire family and robbed us all of the happy years that were supposed to come to us and now I am left desolate, rejected and blindly hated and blamed for things I have never done. It sickens me to my core of who I am and I cannot believe this is happening to me and the grandkids and I cannot believe how rotten and bad my daughter is as a person who I am now loathing and despising. I am so depressed and being flooded with all kinds of thoughts and emotions. With my head I have this stuff down pat, but my heart just does'nt get it at all in any way. I miss the kids like crazy and know that this is my life now and forever perhaps. I just do not see it turning around at all. I am cut off and cast off and totally rejected and blamed over my daughters mind games and lies and my only hope is that eventually the kids get old enough to see through her lies and start to wake up. But my hopes for a future that was once bright is now crushed entirely by my evil daughter!!! You are so right I am so f*cking angry at her, I want to wring her neck. Yet here I am powerless and helpless to do anything but pray for the kids wellbeing a really impotent position I hate to be in. You are so right. You do know what I am going through. I really hate what she has done to me, and the kids and that she gets away with all of it and she is laughing because she thinks she won and that she is so smart and clever.

From what I have learned her karma comes along when she is in middle age or so, and everyone around her begins to see through her. But the torn loyalities the kids have with her are going to be so powerful she will be the great puppetmaster over all as long as she can continue to fool everyone. That she feels good and I feel like shit. That I loved her so much and she totally and completely used me up and tossed me aside once she threatened me with a restraining order. I hate feeling and being this powerless so much. This has never before happened and I hate it so much and I have to suck it up and let go and accept it, it is such bullshit. You are right She Cat. I am good and pissed and thank you for showing me how angry I really am. This definately lifts my depression quite a bit. My daughter is a piece of shit person. Her kids are so beautiful and awesome with such good hearts and they are great people and my love for them became such a huge threat to her that she had to get me out of the picture entirely. I hurt so much right now in realizing all of these things and it really sucks because I know in time I will be okay and I so want to be okay now without going through this sucky process of grieving. Big hugs to you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel abandoned by my entire family that I have loved so many years of my life. It really hurts so much. I hate being this needy of the grandkids but I am, I am missing them so much and I am so sad and depressed and frustrated because they have been turned against me by my daughter's lies and tricks and traps. I hate how insidious this whole mess is. I hate being so alone with the emotions of it. I know that I am having all sorts of disturbed thoughts too. I know that I really need to get back into therapy as soon as i can because of how messed up I am from what has happened. I hate the ball of fear inside of me growing bigger every day. I hate the loneliness of being cast out of my own family after so many years of loving and enjoying each one of them. I hate how my daughter has turned away from for total control of her family and to hurt me as much as she can. I hate how messed up my own mind is now with being left alone with all of these emotions so out of control.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I have no words of wisdom for you really. It's a storm of shit that you will need to go through until you resolve everything in your head and heart. I went through the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings too. I remember how raw and awful it was.

Just know that if and when you need to vent... VENT!! It does help and yes, you need to get back into therapy!!!

Hugs

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@She Cat I called a hotline at my clinic today for ideas on how to reduce my anxiety and it is working. I have a therapy appointment in September with a therapist that I like very much. Trust me I know that I need help like yesterday! Venting here actually really helps to release the emotional cesspool. Feeling better right now. But I am sure I will be back.