Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

A nice person suggested that I write her a letter I do not intend to send so I did. As I was expressing my side of things, I realized that my daughter does not see nor hear me so it was just a exercise in expressing myself. My daughter will not ever get this information from me. It really helped with stopping the feelings and thoughts. I notice that I am somewhat shattered and being way more sensitive and overreactive with people than normally and I have to learn how to cope and manage and regulate my feelings so I think tomorrow I will focus on these things instead of grieving the losses. I have just spent two days grieving. It feels like such a waste of my time, but I have to learn how to cope better. So that is what I am going to do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I woke up feeling peaceful this morning, and I will take it gladly. This experience is so much bigger than I am. It is so crazymaking too. I crave some normal in my life so badly. I am not the same person, I was four months ago at all, and sometimes I do not know who I am anymore. I want to be able to enjoy some good things as I live my life each day and to grow stronger inside. So I will try to cope and manage better if I can I can practice these things and hope that I will not allow this experience to rob me anymore of myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am okay, so thankful for a break because I was stretched to the breaking point yesterday. I am so tired of being at the mercy of my feelings and thoughts. I am so broken up by what has transpired. I do not want to be defeated or feel defeated as I go through the grieving process. This is a divorce that is so ugly. It is worse than death. It is the betrayals that are all lined up against me.

I know that she is set on the course of her life and will never change ever. She will badmouth me the rest of her life and has become an enemy.

I am so weary and tired of being like this today so I am going to enjoy this day while I can. I do not feel anything today. I am so grateful for this seeming reprieve. I am functioning but not living like I used to and I have to relearn how to do that without my family that was such a big part of my life over this.:mad::mad::mad:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I cannot come up with anything to write to the kids today, all of the zest and enjoyment I used to get from actually sending the letters to the kids has fizzled away completely. Maybe I will wait until I miss them again and maybe be inspired by emotions.

I think what next? I am holding my breath not wanting to jinx feeling peaceful and it is a very fragile peaceful today, I am so vulnerable and became so needy and who am I anymore is the question I want answers for.

This peace has ushered in the most deep, incredible sadness over the whole ordeal. I guess I had this one coming and maybe long overdue.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am feeling good and I feel alive and it is a really good experience for me. It amazes me that when I feel this good, how worries and stresses just fall off of me. Nothing changed except me, I changed my attitude completely and am surprised by this experience. It is hard to describe but I love feeling this way and appreciate it so much.

I know now that the pendulum will continue to swing back and forth with all of my emotions until I have processed enough to heal and to recover and come to acceptance of what is. I will have gotten used to the way things stand now and it will not rattle me much further when that great day comes to me.:happy:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I started a journal today, to my daughter that she will find after I die hopefully of old age in my sleep, lol. I had thrown the other one away because of how hurt and angry I was. But I do have some things to say to her and I am off to a good start. I do not want to leave her alone without one as I am doing these journals for the kids too and started them about four years ago. I do not write in them much anymore but I plan on it just not today.

I have to be smart about what kinds of things I want to put into hers because of all that has gone on the last four months. I hope that she is alive to read it. She is a full blown alcoholic and I fear that she will die young if she does not quit drinking soon of illness due to the disease.

I only wrote a little but it was a good start for today. I will not be writing in it every day either because of all of the emotions I am processing and feeling.

I am going out tomorrow. I have a dread of the weekends now due to the fact that I no longer get the kids on the weekends anymore and I am not up to socializing either yet. So they are difficult and yet some of them are good and relaxing.

Today was a good day for me and I am grateful for the peace of mind. I know it will not last because of how intense the pain and grief is.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know what Trauma Bonding is now and I have it to my daughter. Because of it and the guilt I feel over spoiling my daughter and all of the verbal abuse from my husband and fighting in her formative years of life, I have the sick need to suffer pain. I am so glad to be able to take this into therapy, next month. No wonder my emotions have been so painful during all of this time. I realize how sick this need to suffer pain is and I want it to change and not do that anymore so I will really do what I can in therapy, she is a cognitive behaviour therapist and I think that will work just fine. I have a lot to cram into one therapy session so tomorrow I am going to list all of my concerns and take them with me into therapy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am having a very healthy and happy mental health day today. I feel normal which I love and am so grateful for this break in the intense feelings. I notice that I am growing and changing on the inside, not only have I discovered my voice and I am beginning to use to take better care of me, but I am more aware of my own personal space and boundaries so something good has come out of all of this and I am sure I will have some more bad days as well. But I am more hopeful now in that I am farther along than I was and so far I have come a long way. In two months it will be half a year since everything happened and I think that is a milestone and knowing it lies ahead also gives me some good hopes.

 

[Heather]

:hug: @Rain so glad to hear that your setting boundaries and taking care of yourself.

You've done a lot of hard work and I know things in the end will work out....you deserve it

Love you

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much, @Heather you are so awesome:happy::hug: Love you too:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Letting go of so much today and I am going to allow things to unfold naturally the best I am able to. Still feeling neutral so far so good.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Back to missing the kids so much. I drove in an area today where some memories got triggered into remembrance and that always seems to do it to me. But the killing pain is not there as much as before. I am going to be okay I think and I look forward to becoming dulled to the pains of this godawful experience. I need to get busier than I am but I am so mentally exhausted and drained that I just do not have the energy back yet. I have the motivation to do things and want to do things, but too out of it still and my anxiety is really kicking my ass today.