Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

My grandson should get the letter today or tomorrow. So far nothing has been sent back. It is a mystery to me. Maybe either Sarah knows about it and is allowing them to get their mail or the kids snuck the mail in. The only two possible options.

I still have Sarah's phone blocked from mine. It will be interesting what plans she has to manipulate me and to control me later.

She still has the problem of how to trick me into re signing on her lease. She does not know what I plan so I have many months until she has to wonder about that one. I am hoping that she will try to get her name only on the lease. I do not want to be the bad guy but I am going to refuse to sign on the lease.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The 3rd possibility with the mail... She got it, saw the letter, read it and then threw it away. You fail to remember that she is their mother, she is head of the house, she is in control. With all these assumptions you set yourself up for failure and more hurt. So you sent the letter. Ok, now let go of any emotions, hope, thoughts attached to it. Otherwise. Hurt sets in.

Again with the lease, you assume she will try and trick you. I hear “hope” that she will so that you can have some contact. Stop assuming she will. It’s possible she will make other arrangements, and that too will leave you with hurt, because she DIDN’T come to you...... Even if she should come to you and you say NO, then you’re left with her being majorly pissed off and fighting with you again. The only thing that does is cause hurt and then you have to go through the whole mess again.

Your thinking style does nothing but cause you more anxiety and hurt.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Your thinking style does nothing but cause you more anxiety and hurt.

I agree you are right as usual. I do not want to do that either, so thank you once again.

 

[intothelight]

I do not want to be the bad guy but I am going to refuse to sign on the lease.

Your not being the a bad guy, but protecting yourself financially. If she doesn't understand that then it is her problem and not yours. You did all that you could until you couldn't any more. There is no shame in that and if her "love" was contingent upon a never ending blank check then she has a lot to learn about love.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is no shame in that and if her "love" was contingent upon a never ending blank check then she has a lot to learn about love.

Thank you so much for saying this to me today. It is so true. She does have so much to learn about love. Her love for me was how much i could do to help her out and then abuse me afterwards. I am so done with that now.

I will get out of her way and allow life to teach her the lessons she needs to learn from now on. I really appreciate what you said to me,it means a lot.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Tonight I feel utterly alone yet I am not lonely because I have myself and that really counts for something. This has been a hell of a year for me and it is not the full year yet. I am functioning so much better these days yet I have a lot of room for improvement on the quality of my life still.

I actually feel like giving up on my grandson and it is because it seems so futile to keep reaching out. I know this is depression talking right now and not to be taken seriously at all.

I will of course be texting him tomorrow wishing him well and try to encourage him hoping and praying that some of it sinks in past his numbed out feelings.

Today I have been supporting a friend who has lost the dearest person in the world and I tapped into some old feelings of grief over the loss of my husband. I am really missing him tonight along with my estranged family. I think because even though I have music playing... it is not the same. This is the first holiday that I really feel the estrangement but the pain of missing them is not killing me tonight.

Tomorrow will be a much better day. I am blessed in that I have presents to unwrap after my first cup of coffee. I will take a shower afterwards and cook my crock pot meal and probably be on the forum for a while to have some company.

Today some people had my back in a difficult situation that I was doing my best to handle. I have never experienced that in my life yet. It was a very good experience for me to be supported after such a big screw up on my part. I will always be thankful to them for being such honorable people.

I think the best thing I can do is to keep on working on myself and going to therapy and doing the work of healing and recovery.

I sure have come a very long way and I have grown and gotten stronger since all of the shit hit the fan in my heart and life.

I will be okay. I was temporarily feeling a little sorry for myself and got the hell away from that really fast as that is not the way I want or need to go. It is a dead end and personally Iwant to live.

I wonder what this new year will bring to me. Nothing is guaranteed I really am a believer of that now.

Do not take anything for granted ever. To enjoy the good and precious moments to the fullest is the best I can do.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain I so understand how you feel. Even the times I was with my daughter, the holidays sometimes were hard. I’ll tell you a story....

I was living at the time with a guy named David. He too had PTSD, and MS. My grandsons were very little at the time, under the age of 10. David and I had gone all out for Christmas presents for my daughter, SIL and grandkids. We had spent a small fortune.

I always bought gifts for people that I either knew they needed or wanted. I listened throughout the yr for clues. 2 weeks before Xmas, my daughter called and asked me what I wanted for Xmas. I was stunned. Really taken aback, thinking, OMG, she’s asking me what I want???? After asking again, I told her I really didn’t want anything.

Christmas Day, David and I drove up to her house with the car full of gifts, we stayed while they opened their gifts from us, and then we left. Neither David or I received even a card. I was so hurt. I couldn’t believe that she was that clueless. It was one of the shittier Christmas’s I’ve had, even though we spent it together.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I’ll tell you a story....

Thanks She Cat for telling me this. It gave me some perspective of the road you have walked before me. I get a clue too.

I am so sorry for all of the heart ache and heart break you have endured at the hands of your daughter.

I see what you are saying too. Extreme thoughtlessness and selfisness too. Yep that is my daughter today.

So the grass is not greener on the other side and I should just count my blessings that I am being left alone in peace. I do actually. The mountains of shit I have waded through with her since all of this first started is beyond belief. I am better off away from her for now. She will not change and I feel for the kids and do worry about them at times. But it is all out of my control so the best thing I can keep on doing is take the best care of me that I am able and continue to create a better life for me.

It really does suck so much. There is just no getting around this at all. I have to allow all of my last hopes and dreams for the kids go. That is all I am able to do. My daughter gets the bitch of the year award from me for sure this year. I hit pay dirt and it hurts so much to know this really know this in a way I have not been able to acknowledge until now.

Okay, I will live even and in spite of this. I let the shreds of hope go now. I give up and surrender the remains and bury the body. I am so weary. I do not think much anymore about it but I understand and appreciate you so much. Someday I hope to toughen myself up finally. It will take time.....:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Here I am once again. A very rough holiday for me and others in the same boat. It was two text day to Ez today. I talked to someone who had the same experience as Ez being cut off from a relative that was devoted to him.

She shared the experience of her moms rages against her grandmother and she figured it all out for herself. She actually defended her grandmother to her mom and it was the incentive to leave her mom to have a life of her own.

I do not picture Ez ever defending me to her mother because of her moms rages. It will take something big for her to want to leave her mom. I do not know when this happens, He wanted to get emancipated at fourteen years old and was in group homes at a young age for suicidal tendancies which I do worry about sometimes.

I just hope and pray that the kids are okay and safe as possible.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am back again. This thread offers me so much relief. I can breathe again finally. this friggen holiday is almost over for me. I am going to bed early tonight and do my thing tomorrow and feel so much better.

It was a three text day for Ez. And i do not feel bad and if it feeds my daughter so she gets off karma is on her.

I was not prepared for how hard this day would be as far as missing the kids. Geez you would think that my broken and worn out heart would just give up the ghost and just accept this as it is!

I have been triggered all day. I am not taking it very well so I am plenty angry at my daughter right now. Heartless creature only wanting all of the power and control over the kids who I adore. I am so angry at her . I really hope and pray that I will experience some real peace tomorrow. I think I will take down the decorations tomorrow I have had my fill of this holiday.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Feeling so much better today finally, the anniversary reaction is gone and I feel human again and more normal than I felt in awhile.

I am so glad to get me back intact and whole and the nightmare of yesterday is now gone at last!

I was highly triggered yesterday and am not today and that is what has made this profound difference. Looking forward to celebrating New Years Eve here with special things for the day and undecorate my house finally. Really going to have a good day since there are not triggers for me on that holiday.

Getting some money tomorrow so will be very busy today and tomorrow. To be able to get the things I need is a very wonderful thing.

Feeling so optimistic about the new day and the new clean slate of a new year as well.

Feeling alive, happy and content today. All is well in my world. :laugh::D

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Oh Rain I do really feel for you hun. As you know I have a narcissistic eldest son who has been treating me like dog turd for the last 7 years. He has been ignoring all my attempts at communicating with him since May. I texted him Boxing Day (the day after Christmas Day here in the UK) to wish him a happy holiday and that I forgive him for his nastiness towards me and that I regret reacting in kind to him and that I hope one day we can set our differences aside and be friends again but needless to say I never got a reply. I also reached out to my youngest kid yesterday in the same way but got ignored by them as well. It really hurts doesn't it hun? Christmas is supposed to be all about peace and good will towards each other but apparently none of our kids know the meaning of it and care even less. It's neither your fault or mine we ended up with such selfish unfeeling cruel offspring. It must be especially difficult for you being parted from your grandkids especially at this time of year. For all I know I could be a grandparent too now and I wouldn't know because it would be yet another thing my kids have kept from me. It's just so sad all round. The only comfort I can glean from any of this is that one day my kids will realise the error of their ways and reach out to me themselves. Even though the chances of that happening are slight to say the least I have to hold onto hope anyway. But in the meantime I'm going to stop contacting either of them myself. It only sets me up for disappointment and more pain and God knows I have enough of that to contend with in other areas of my life already. If I don't expect anything I can't be disappointed. I know how hard it is to detach with love from those people we care about who don't seem to care about us in return. But I can't see what else we can do my friend if we want to stay relatively sane and at peace with ourselves. Because caring about people who don't care for us is really just like throwing seed on stony ground. We don't get any reward for our efforts nor any returns from investing our time and energy in people who make no effort with us nor invest any of their time and energy in us. So I've come to the sad conclusion that we need to concentrate on caring for ourselves now. We have to believe that we are worth it even if our kids don't think we are. I also think we have to be realistic in our hopes and expectations for the future regarding our kids. They may come round in time but then again they may not. If it's meant to happen then it will but for me at least, it's got to be them that makes the next move. And I've decided that even if they never do, then it's their loss not mine. That may sound harsh but I honestly believe for me at least, I have to be tough about it otherwise I'm just going to fall to pieces and I'm damned if I'm going to give my kids the satisfaction of destroying me by rejecting and abandoning me because they have to blame and punish someone else for being crappy people because they are too immature and irresponsible to own it in themselves. I refuse to be their scapegoat or whipping girl anymore or anyone else's for that matter. I deserve kindness and respect and so do you Rain. Everyone does just by virtue of the fact we are living breathing feeling human beings. I hope this has helped you hun and a huge ((((hug)))) if you want it. God bless you xx