Good Or Bad?

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Britt, that is true. Not in my case though, it's others bound by financial constraints or job expectations, etc. Not the choice they would make.

 

[Tanishq]

I did think of myself as bad and harmful person. I used to think if I talk with someone else they will get hurt.

I have seen bad dreams that led me think about myself. I do take care of myself, my behavior with others. This way I also fall in trap of pleasing others and relying on others to some extent.

I am good person. I try to be good human being. They are just negative thoughts and we ought not to pay attention to it. Goodness from within will start flowing out, I think.

 

[Shellbell]

I have many times when I feel like I must be a bad person and that's why all the trauma's happened to me. I think it must be easier to get your head around one trauma happening, than to have multiple from early chidhood, spanning 3 decades and therefore thinking that in some way I must surely have deserved it all.

I've always tried to be a good person, deeply cared for my sisters, always treated people how I would like to be treated. People who know me say I'm very kind and lovely etc....but bad things just kept on happening. So I must be bad.

My thoughts of being 'bad' are also wrapped up in my faith, God must hate me to allow all that. I must have deserved it....

I also have many moments of feeling like a complete burden on my husband, my friends. It's all wrapped up in guilt, shame, poor self-esteem, lack of self worth, failure issues. It's how I'm programmed, it's deeply entrenched.

I can have rational thoughts about it and I see the clearer picture in my head, but it never reaches my heart.

I am working on it though.....

 

[saffy]

someone is choosing you, even when you wouldn't choose yourself

I find that the hardest line to deal with. Because nobody is choosing me, it's the hardest thing to come to terms with, at least for me anyway. :(

It's funny how we can see or think bad things about ourselves, that may not be warrented, but seems worse if no feedback. No matter how much you tell yourself you are a good person without people wanting to be around you it is hard to beleive.

best wishes

Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Saffy and Junebug, everyone has a choice even if they don't make a choice they've chosen not to make a choice they've chosen. Perhaps there are people who are there but it is hard to see that. I know I feel that way sometimes. Like I wonder if my husband would stay if we didn't have children. Is he staying out of obligation. Then there are the days when people do compliment me and I think they are just being nice or they don't know any better. Sometimes I just hate it...like when my med doctor says nice things about me. I wish he wouldn't because I think he doesn't know any better. I don't know what programs us to think that way. I prefer humble people, but I think this goes way beyond being humble. I also am surprised to find so many people think the way my head thinks...especially since I'm around so many people who don't have a clue and wonder why I can't just stop..

I wish you all find your worth.
Britt

 

[Tinyflame]

Good you have that Britt, I mean people who care or see you otherwise ((((Hugs)))).

 

[Shellbell]

Like I wonder if my husband would stay if we didn't have children. Is he staying out of obligation.

I think about this every day. I really do believe that husband would not be with me now if it weren't for our children. I do think that is why he stays.

He tells me differently, but he's not going to tell the truth now - with me dealing with all the PTSD and therapy.

 

[Britt.f7]

Shellbell, maybe we are wrong in our perceptions. Why would they put up with us? Wouldn't they want to remove the children from being around us? Wouldn't it be easier?

I hope that we are wrong in our worries. I hope what they say is truth, even if I can't feel it right now.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, I hope we are wrong too.

And I try to tell myself that he does care, but our marriage is really affected by my PTSD and I feel like a failure as a wife and he deserves better.

 

[Britt.f7]

I feel the same way. I tell him, sometimes, that I think they would all be better off without me. He says no. I'm still not sure.

 

[saffy]

Perhaps there are people who are there but it is hard to see that

Beleive me there is no one I can turn to, never has been, I have to deal with everything on my own always have done. I have had no help to go in the right direction and if things go wrong for me I have to try and work out why. After trying to calm myself and reassure myself the only thing I can do next is go out and try again, normally getting the same results even if i change my tactics, so to speak. Its hard to come to terms with.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Saffy, I'm sorry you have no one there for you. I can imagine it is difficult going through life like that. I have two friends and a hubby to help me, though it wasn't always that way. My family you can never tell how they'll react or if it will bite you in the rump.

You sound like a very strong woman.

One thing to keep in mind, you do have this group to bounce things off of.