Good Or Bad?

[Suzan]

I have had to deal with so much on my own due to my partner being away on tours so much that now that he is home on a regular basis and wants to help me, I find it hard to let him in and do that. I feel like I would do anything for anyone who asks but I get very ashamed or embarassed if someone wants to do something for me. Whether I feel like it makes me a weaker person or my need to do things on my own, I'm not sure, but the guilt I feel is overwhelming at times. I also wonder if I do things for other people to actually help them out or to make myself feel better or superior. Its very frustrating.

 

[Britt.f7]

My illness, not the mental illness, took some of my independence away from me. I had to learn to accept help. It isn't easy to do.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Daily. I wonder why my children love me because I don't feel that for myself. I think at times they would be better off without me. Everyday I struggle and love my children to no end but deny myself at times basic needs because I do not feel I deserve it. My mom had a stroke several years ago and I took care of her and none of my siblings helped. It was a very lonely place to be but I loved my mom so much even though she neglected me all my life and still treats me like crap. While pregnant with twins I needed help because I was put on bedrest early on and nobody helped me in my family. I ended up in the hospital on total rest because I did too much and did not have visits from family until the very end. Months in the hospital sucks. It was a very lonely time and it still makes me feel a bit sad when I think about it. I always seem to be the caretaker of others but have not had care-takers other than friends. Nobody in my immediate family is interested or makes an effort in seeing my children and that is hard.

 

[saffy]

You sound like a very strong woman.

One thing to keep in mind, you do have this group to bounce things off of.

yes people think I am strong, I have to look that way at least. Really though Im not at all, its all really aobut survival.

Yep this forum has been great :)

thank again
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Over this last year, I have had therapist remind me of how strong and tough I have been to have gotten through parts of my life. They ask me if I realize how strong I am. Truth is, it is hard to see the strength in ourselves. I know it is for me.

Not everyone can survive. Give yourself credit for that.

:)

 

[JustBe]

When I hand it to the donations clerk, the memories attached to that item disappear. I give them my anger and they convert it into hope.

I don't think that's spiteful. I think it's healthy.

It's all wrapped up in guilt, shame, poor self-esteem, lack of self worth, failure issues. It's how I'm programmed, it's deeply entrenched.

I can have rational thoughts about it and I see the clearer picture in my head, but it never reaches my heart.

Me too. :(

I hope that we are wrong in our worries. I hope what they say is truth, even if I can't feel it right now.

Me too! :)

I cannot accept praise. I put on a smile and say the appropriate things, but feel like a fraud.

 

[Britt.f7]

I know a big part of my anxiety in seeing my extended family, or anyone else for that matter, is the worry that they will think about me the way I do.

 

[Shellbell]

We are all incredibly strong to have survived what we went through. I know in my rational thinking that is true and I always see it strongly in other people.

But I just don't believe it deep down (for me). I feel weak and ashamed for being so easily manipulated (groomed) into situations as a child and teenager. I feel weak for staying in these situations, despite threats etc. I hate that I was so vulnerable to being easily prayed upon and I feel that I should have done more to stop it all. I hate that no-one cared to stop it all.

And I hate feeling like I know it was my fault in some way, as there were so many abusers and so much abuse so that I must have deserved it, as even God turned a blind eye to it all.

I hate myself, as much as I hate the abusers.

 

[MomOfTwo]

One thing I have to come to learn is that no matter what your age when there is a differential in power and or control there is people that will abuse their power and the people that have been victimized may have learned that people do not really intervene or help. It happens everyday. Kids are bullied and end their lives because of it even though they tell. They end up feeling that perhaps they deserved it or there is no way out. I was sexually harassed in an office where several other women were as well. This predator who happened to be the human resources manager is the person you were supposed to go to for help. I told my boss and he told me I would be fired if I went forward. I just hid as much as I could and was stalked by him at work and at home. It went on for several years. I had a mortgage and my self esteem was crap from all the trauma and I had as well so many health problems that I can now attribute to PTSD. I had no idea all the heart-problems were related to my job.

I am not to blame for what happened to me and I do believe my boss failed me and should have advocated for me and legally he should have. I told him I was not the only woman he was sexually harassing.

None of you are to blame even though people will continue to do so and make you feel for some reason it is your fault. These sickos prey upon vulnerable people much like a lion preys on the weakest animal to kill and devour it.

I have an uncle who is a pedophile and my children have been around him twice due to family functions but I do not leave my eyes off of my children and neither does my husband. He molested so many of my family members and some have just turned the other cheek. I will not ever trust him and think he should be in jail. He chose children because they were vulnerable. I think it changes you forever and makes you more vulnerable to being abused in the future but it is still not your fault.

Thinking positive thoughts for all the courageous people out there that have been through so much.