Have You Ever Imagined Yourself Without PTSD?

[GodSeeker]

Who were you before your life radically changed? Have you a memory of yoursel prior to your trauma?
To me this question is linked to another one "Can you imagine yourself opening your heart?" I mean you know the situation when you have nothing to occult from anybody, when your face is as clear and peaceful as water. When you do not have any prejudice nor suspiscion. In my case I do remember who I was befor some events radically changed the course of my life. I was very happy, without preoccupations, loving sports (I always do some), having friends, good at school. Happy with brothers and sisters. What I am now is not me. I see that clearly.

If I could have courage to open my heart...I would go back to what I was, definitely without return. It would be so restful, I would put down this burden I have been carrying during years. I have the image of that, of what I type of a person I would be, light like the air...

And it would be really wonderful and a lot of despair would vanish

 

[NarcSis]

I was on a constant edge, I was cocky, I was neat, orderly, confident, stubborn, sure of everything and yet always struggling to find my 'place' in this world. I was a take charge person in times of crisis, I was not very social, yet always had a knack for making other people smile. People looked up to me, people trusted me, people followed me. I was destined for a bright future - at least, in my own head. I was ready to be a mom, a manager and coast into the sunshine. Until PTSD. Some days I may appear to be that person again, but inside, i never exactly feel like her.

Without PTSD, this is what I want to be. I want to be admired, respected, confident in what I do, excel at what I do and train others to be the best they can be. I want the fear back in its box. I want to go to work, come home, put my feet up and be happy with what i have accomplished and then, let it go. Relax and live.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I simply wouldn't be who I am. There is no before. But I know my potential is greater than this. I am just not free enough to live up to it.

 

[Marlene]

Since this has been me since childhood (only became so bad when the PTSD went full blown at 38) I really have no idea who I would be would be without the PTSD. I'm still trying to figure out who I am...decide, really...without all of the secrets, fear, shame and everything else I carried for so long. That's about as close as I come to it. But if trying to imagine my life without PTSD is as difficult as trying to figure out how to live it semi-free of the past, I don't know if I'd try it.

Lisa

 

[Res]

I used to be extroverted. I had tons of friends, was active in my school student government (even ran for president), and everyone seemed to like me. I was incredibly nice and niave. I had faith. I dressed nicely. I love animals and even considered myself a bit of a hippy. I loved to sing and act, and was even on TV once. I was at the top of my class. I was a giggle box and loved to talk. I was also a spoiled brat.

I'm happy with the person that I have become. After being prolonged to the trauma, I began to stray away from who I was, and become a different person. I was like the complete opposite of who I was before. But now that I feel like I'm healing, and have reintegrated myself, I have a lot of the traits of the girl that I used to be. The one trait I wish that I had that I don't anymore though, is my extroversion. I dislike the fact that situations where I have to interact with lots of people make me nervous. But I guess I can't change that, since I generally don't trust many people anymore.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I have always wondered who I would have become without whatever trauma sent me spinning into PTSD land. Like Marlene, I have been like this since ??????early??????childhood. I think it is only human nature to wonder. At Least, I know I will always wonder just "WHO" got lost that day!

 

[Deleted member 541]

I used to wonder, but now I just accept that this is who, and what I am......Wondering about life without PTSD, is just part of the* What If* game that we play with ourselves, and it does no good. Only causes more stress and anxiety.....

 

[Manic11]

Good question... I think about this sometimes but I've had PTSD since I was a young child. But I do sit and think about it..... What would I be like now if I had never been abused?

Its a question that can't be answered but in a way, I'm glad I've gone through what I've gone through. I've seen a different side to life.... It's hard to say for sure.

Manic

 

[maria]

Like several of the people who replied, I've had PTSD since early childhood. It's as if I were born with it. Those of you who had a life before PTSD are lucky, believe it or not, because you had a core personality (which I never did), so there's a good chance you can get back most of it, although your experiences will have changed you some.

When I worked with people who were mentally challenged, a dear client died. Since I was a Christian at that time and Christians believe that in the next life people are made whole, I wondered if dear C. would be free of her retardation, inability to speak, and her vision and hearing deficits. But I realized that if there were such a person, it wouldn't be C. That's how I feel about myself. There never was a me undamaged by PTSD and there never will be. I just work on accepting myself the way I am and valuing the good which I can feel and do.

maria

 

[GodSeeker]

I did not mean hurt anybody by opening this thread. I am really sorry if I did. It is just that I wondered if anybody has memories of oneself prior to the trauma. My personality changed since those days, years ago, and I am struggling with the most destructive stress right now but in the middle of all this despair, of all this suffering, which by the way is a human passion, somewhere inside myself, and while I am writing this, I know that I am not all this. It is because who is writing these lines is as healthy as anybody else but he just need to open his heart to get healed.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I've always wondered what I would be like without the PTSD. I accept who I am right now, but it helps me a little bit to understand that if things had been different the alienation that I feel from the human race would not necessarily be there. I imagine that I would be a "normal" adjusted successful person. That's who I want to grow up to be eventually. Maybe that's an unattainable goal, but it keeps me struggling through the muck and mire they call PTSD.

Tiger

 

[Perdido]

I'm infinitely frustrated with my condition and have often pondered this very question. For twenty years of nearly forty, the scorge of ptsd has blinded me of who I used to be.

I once lived a carefree life. Frustrations seemed trivial. There wasn't much to complain about.

So would I go back to my former life if I could? I'm not so sure.

Despite the pain that still laps at my soul every day, my inkling is that the pain, the daily suffering, the direct understanding of death before my eyed, this has all somehow made me a better person.

I'm weaker, yet stronger. I'm quicker to cry but more sympathtic/empathetic. I'm less social, yet value my friends even more. And in the end, I feel like there's a bigger cause that will be fulfilled through the anguish, through the death of a friend, through a barrage of torment and loneliness, the nightmares, the exagerated startle reflex, every god@#$% horrific ounce of terror spurred by that day.

So, yes I think of the person I would be without ptsd. But I accept who I am and am optimistic about what's to come, even as dark clouds mark my most every day. Through the pain, I see possibility, as difficult as that may be for you (and me) to believe.