Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[InHell11]

It kind of depends on how, I am forgiving if people unintentionally hurt me, however I don't really see a reason to not have an issue with people who have done so intentionally. I try to move past it and not dwell in negative feelings towards such people but I don't really see much point in forgiving I mean it doesn't undo anything and doesn't make the other person any better of a person. But that is just my personal feelings on it.

 

[Orglethorp]

I would generally say that yes, I have forgiven my father. I recognize that he is the way he is because he has a personality disorder and addictions, and that underneath it all there probably is a person who might have otherwise been a genuinely nice person. I saw a glimmer of that sometimes. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's not his fault because of this, his actions were definitely intentional, but forgiveness does not mean giving validation. I never want to see him again. I used to worry myself into uselessness wondering what I would do if I encountered him by chance on the street or at my work place (a major reason why I chose to study out of province!). I also can't really blame those in my life who have more vengeful feelings toward him. By forgiving him, I've brought myself a little but of peace.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

All of my abusers are dead or so far out of my life. I think they knew what they were doing. It was all so sick and toxic and lethal. If they had truly apologized to me then mabe but there would have to be significant changes. My dad said if he had it to do over he would do the same thing all over again. Nope, cannot forgive that at all.

 

[Crimson]

*Warning, this post has anger in it*

This has been a very elucidating topic for me, I've never thought about it! What happened to me occurred over a decade ago but I only remembered a year and a half ago and I think the time in between has had the effect of amplifying certain feelings while dulling others.

Some might say, "I don't know what would happen if I met them again, and was 100% sure it was them" meaning they don't know how they would feel or react. I say that from the other side, I don't know what would happen referring to the fact that something might stop me from beating them to death, if I didn't torture them first.

To qualify this, I understand how unproductive this is. It's almost like a static state in me though, to think about meeting them I am instantly ready to hulk smash. I also understand how unproductive the desire to make them feel my pain is, because I'll bet you dollars to donuts somebody really messed those two up too.

I really don't know if I could restrain myself from murdering them if I ever met them again, and I think that one doesn't struggle with that concept with someone that they will ever have the ability to forgive.

Another way to put it might be that they killed too much of me for me to ever view them through different eyes than a terrified kid in a much larger body, but they also couldn't kill enough of me to make me lay down and die like they wanted.

Maybe I should get my catharsis on here at night rather than in the mornings, I'm exhausted and now I have to go to work!

 

[JustBe]

I turned my anger inward after years of rebellion. In my case not forgiving would have hurt me more. Now I am working on forgiving myself for a wasted life.

 

[Britt.f7]

I have forgiven my parents. They did the best they could with what they knew. It was the 70's. I do, however, hold them accountable. I refuse to paint a rosy picture or act like everything was hunky dory. But I am no longer angry with them. When I hear of how troublesome I was as a teen, I remind myself that they were the adults. They could have chose better actions. I'm more concerned, though, with how they(he) treats me now.

As for my other perpetrators, I have not forgiven them. I'm not sure it is anger. I do know that one of them died. I remembered his name and looked him up online. He didn't die a peaceful death. He died running away from the cops and trying to hide his drugs by swallowing them. He choked to death. I found out he was gay, and I wondered if he was trying to prove something to his friends when they attacked me in our teens. His brother made a comment on the article that his brother was a good guy, blah blah blah. I knew better. There was a part of me that felt calmed by his death. Not happy, just calm.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Britt))) mabe that is justice for you. Mabe that is why you feel calm. I am tired of beating dead horses. My abusers all got away with it. But they are not in my life, and for the past thirty seven years I have been living a normal life. So that is my justice for me. I think I need to forgive my sister who I have a love/hate relationship with. She is very sick and possibly dying. I really need to think about that.

I do not like her. I do not like the person she has become. She is messed up badly and very sick from her partying lifestyle. I hold certain things against her. I wish I could forgive her. Too much pain.

 

[Britt.f7]

Gizmo, forgiveness can be hard. It sounds like your sister has her own demons. Forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance or approval of ones behavior. It's okay that you didn't like her lifestyle. Must have been hard to watch among other things. Especially if her choices effected you.

What I have learned from my mom dying, I felt in a much better place that we had repaired or, at least, made some amends before she died. I think that if we hadn't have done that I would have been in a worse place. I was glad that wasn't hanging over me. But that happened over a number of years. I realize you don't have that time.

My sister has done some really cruel things over our adult lives. Of course she feels she did nothing wrong and it has always been me who has mended the fences. Sometimes I really hate that. Especially after this last time, I really wanted to ask her "aren't you sorry". I did try to bring some of what she said up to her but she couldn't believe she said any of it. Just goes to show you, even though you were both there, the other person might not see it as you do. I tend to think of it when I am feeling bad but I try to push it out of my mind. I don't know why she is how she is, but I do know, she isn't going to change.

You only have to think of what you can live with. Your relationship may never be repaired, so it really boils down to you. Siblings are so difficult because they really know what buttons to push on you.

Has she tried to reach out to you?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Britt, I have phone contact with her only. We live an hour away from each other and we have not seen each other for 4 years. I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She does have her own demons. She has been very cruel to me.

I just have a hard time with her. I had cut her off for three years and I recontacted her. I was missing her. She is so sick, and I think she is dying. I think I will see her around thanksgiving because my half brother who I have never met is coming down. If she makes it that long. She is pretty sick.

I am not close to her. I do not have anything in common with her. It is a difficult situation. I just do not like her. I love her as my sister, but as a person I do not like her. I do not know how to reconcile the two feelings I have for her.

When my brother died she never called me and toldme. I was not invited to the funeral and I hold her responsible. She was drinking pretty heavy. She has a horrible temper and she has gotten mad at me before over nothing. She is weird. She is a weird person. I guess you have heard my confession. I think I need to forgive her for myself. Thanks for asking. Big hugs.

 

[Britt.f7]

(((((Hugs))))) Gizmo!

 

[JustBe]

My abuse took place over many years in a clinical setting. I'm not sure the Doctors, nurses and Med students even considered that their callous and brutal treatment was abuse. I was just something to study.

As for my parents dismissal of my feelings and pleadings to stop having to go through this, I hated them through my adolescent years, but now as a parent to grown children I understand and forgive them. They were terrified for my life and trusted the doctors.

As for later abuse, that was domestic violence from my choosing poorly due to lack of self esteem. It was my error. I should have left sooner. The years of being stalked and having our lives threatened, I will never forgive or forget, but the abuser is old and ill now and no threat, so I don't worry about him.

Now I just deal with the PTSD. There is no room for hate.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Movin on I like what you say about there is no room for hate. I will be thinking about this. What a great thought.