Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[MagiLisu]

Philippa, I am sorry to hear about your family situation. You do not need people like that in your life. It is THEIR loss that they have treated you the way they have. You did not deserve the way your dad treated you and you did not deserve the rest of your family to allow it.

That said I know how hard it is to 'move on' and 'get over it'. If we could do that easily then none of us would be here.

 

[Britt.f7]

and under estimated me

My new therapist and I were just discussing this. It's amazing how adults underestimate what kids know, think, and observe. I wonder if they forget that we are human. I know, with my boys, I never did this. I was always careful. I never wanted them to feel like I do.

Once though, when my son was getting his license, I expressed my concern. He thought it meant I didn't think he could do it. Thankfully, he confided that in me so that I could correct it. I told him it was like when he took his first step. I knew he could do it, but I was worried about what that would bring and worried about him getting hurt. That it had nothing to do with his abilities, because I believed he could do it. Just as a mom, you want to protect your children.

I remember when my dad thoroughly broke my heart. It was in my 20's when I discovered he did not have my best interests at heart. I'll, unfortunately, never forget that.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

He broke my heart...I actually felt it break one day when we were in Sweden, and he was being horrible to me about something....basically telling me I was faking being depressed and mentally ill, not taking the ptsd seriously and thinking I am a "freeloader" for claiming the dole when I could not even get out of bed to kill myself, and he kept pressuring me to get a job.

I hate this, so many people think that people with PTSD or other disorders can just turn it on and off like a switch. We don't elect to do this to ourselves, trauma happens and we all deal differently.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I need to forgive my sister. She is one of those who will never change. We are fading each other out of our lives. I have not heard from her in a very long time. I have to accept her as she is and have a surface and superficial relationship with her. As it is we only have phone contact. I have not heard from her in a very long time.

It is really sad. But I do not know what else to do. Too much hurt, pain, and betrayal and lies. It is like not having a sister anymore. But the sick part of me still misses her. What is to miss? I do not know. I need to let go of all of it.

 

[Philippa]

Philippa, I am sorry to hear about your family situation. You do not need people like that in your life. It is THEIR loss that they have treated you the way they have. You did not deserve the way your dad treated you and you did not deserve the rest of your family to allow it.

Thankyou MagiLisu for saying that. Why is it so hard for people who are supposed to love us to say this? All they have to do is acknowledge that they messed up and behaved badly, but they never will. It is not that hard really.

That said I know how hard it is to 'move on' and 'get over it'. If we could do that easily then none of us would be here.

Well exactly. It's the ultimate insult from people who caused us to be hurt to then tell us to hurry up and get over it.

 

[Philippa]

My new therapist and I were just discussing this. It's amazing how adults underestimate what kids know, think, and observe. I wonder if they forget that we are human.

It was even more confusing when I would think just this, only to have my father turn around and say "what, you think I don't remember what it was like when I was your age"? Well, if he did, he mustn't have minded being treated like an idiot...though I doubt he did. I know he projected a lot of his own family issues onto me, especially his jealousy for his brother, who was the first born (like I am) in a Maltese family, meaning that no matter how big of a loser the first born grows into, he is still the favorite, despite my father becoming a 'success' in the eyes of society. To his father, he never even got a mention in the will.

I can understand why he is so messed up, and have empathized with him in the past, but enough is enough. If he isn't willing to face his demons and work through his issues, like I have had to, then I won't subject myself to his crap.

Once though, when my son was getting his license, I expressed my concern. He thought it meant I didn't think he could do it. Just as a mom, you want to protect your children.

I think that is a bit different.

My parents both did this to me, though it wasn't because they wanted to protect me, it was clearly because neither of them trusted me as being competent...and had their own control issues. My father insisted that I give him all my money that I was happily saving myself one time, so I wouldn't spend it, which made me feel like he didn't trust me with it. As it turns out, my mother stole it all to feed her $2 pokie habit. The money would have been safe if I had just not agreed to letting him "keep it safe" for me.

I remember when my dad thoroughly broke my heart. It was in my 20's when I discovered he did not have my best interests at heart. I'll, unfortunately, never forget that.

I'll never forget it either...ever. I knew he didn't have my best interests at heart, and neither of them really cared about me, beyond the superficial worrying if I don't call regularly, in my late teens, but I started to fool myself in my late twenties, and did not fully accept it until I was in my late thirties.

 

[Philippa]

I hate this, so many people think that people with PTSD or other disorders can just turn it on and off like a switch. We don't elect to do this to ourselves, trauma happens and we all deal differently.

What I hate is how so many parents just completely ignore that their child even has it, even when they've been told by a psychiatrist...they just go on pretending everything is normal and never consider how to actually even TRY and connect with their child in a way that won't cause them to withdraw even more.

My parents still don't acknowledge that I have it...and they were told by a psychiatrist over 10 years ago. It went in one ear and out the other. They were too caught up in their own stupid little lives to give a damn.

 

[MagiLisu]

But the sick part of me still misses her. What is to miss? I do not know. I need to let go of all of it.

This is what I struggle with the most. Why do we miss these people who have hurt us? They made our lives miserable, fill us with so much sadness and anger and yet when they vanish from our lives we miss them?

It just doesn't follow logic, but I suppose nothing with PTSD does.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is torture to miss someone who has hurt you so bad. I hate it. I wish I could let go and have peace of mind. I know simple acceptance of what she is has to occur. I am working on it. I ache with missing her. I think she is giving up on me because I am so surface with her. I do not go over to see her. Maybe she is giving up on me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

No, and I don't think I ever will. Forgiveness of someone requires remorse from that person and is earned.

 

[Sivawoman]

I still am at the stage where I look at my brother as a monster, and someone to fear. He was my sexual abuser. I sometimes succumb to the feeling of guilt when I think of hurting my brother by exposing him...then I get angry with myself for allowing myself to feel guilty. The person I have forgiven is my stepmother who turned a blind eye when she saw major red flags in my behavior as a child. I was cutting, and had written something on my arm with a safety pin. She saw it, and told me in disgust, it was gross and to stop it. Wasn't concerned at all. As long as she kept my father's attention all to herself, she was happy. But, if anything threatened her, and caused her to be concerned she might not have all of his attention, she squashed it with all her might. She was very effective. Maybe I am still angry with her.

I know that when I can feel pity on my brother for being so sick inside, I will have forgiven him.

 

[safenow]

Recently, I've been thinking of my uncle and aunt and what was done to me. Because of them, I got triggered last October, and yet they have been dead for many years. It makes me mad that I am still working on this after so many years. Forcing a child to go through what I did is so wrong on so many levels. What it did so many of the foster children who lived in their home is so wrong on so many levels. Many of them, in turn, did their own children what was done to us. All because of my uncle and his wife.

I'm seeing a therapist on Friday all because I need to be deprogrammed. What they put into my subconscious has stayed with me through many therapists. Nothing done for me ever wiped out what they put in. It is up to God for forgiveness. I can't do it.