Have You Told Your Parents About Your Csa?

[Ketamine Dreams]

Just curious if those of you suffering from CSA have told your parents what happened. This is specifically for those of you who were abused by someone outside of your family.

My wife was sexually molested by a neighbor at a young age and has never told her parents. (It occurred > 30 years ago.) She carries much shame and guilt, and both her therapist and psychiatrist have said it would be helpful to disclose to them. I've read that same opinion in numerous places, and it makes sense to me.

If you did disclose to them, did it help? TIA for all responses.

 

[scout86]

On the advice of a friend, and to honor his memory, after his death, I started to tell my parents once. Similar time frame. The perpetrator was an older cousin & I had no intention of naming names. (It would have been even MORE complicated and there was no way I was going there.) If I could go back and do things over, I'd keep my mouth shut. The reaction I got was horror, but then it quickly turned in to a deal that was all about how terrible they felt. I ended up telling them it wasn't a big deal, just to calm them down. (Of course, it WAS a big deal!) I guess I was hoping that someone would at least ask if I was ok, even though it had been years earlier. No one cared about me, or how I felt at all. At that point, I wasn't in a place where I could come up with a good way to handle what I got. It's basically never been mentioned again.

I guess I could see where telling them might be useful, but I'd say to be prepared for something other than a fairy tale result. Kind of depends on the family, I guess.

 

[Ryn]

I was abused by a neighbour who was also a close family friend. I told my parents at the advice of my therapist, but have regretted it ever since. Like in scout's case, it became all about them and what a terrible time they were having, and they were also really untrustworthy as far as keeping that information private - they spread it around to all sorts of people. Initially my mother said she didn't believe me, which was a blow I am still struggling to recover from. We have never spoken of it again in particular but they will often pull out the "I am suffering so much because of what you went through" card and use it to manipulate or guilt-trip me. I honestly wish I never told them. I would give anything to take it back.

 

[Meadowsweet]

both her therapist and psychiatrist have said it would be helpful to disclose to them. I've read that same opinion in numerous places, and it makes sense to me.

That seems an assumption to make. There are many, many horror stories about disclosing historic sexual abuse to the care givers of the time, I'm sure there must be some parents somewhere that would say 'I'm so sorry that happened, if I could turn back time I would stop it from happening, I can't, but I would like to help in any way I can now'.

But it seems more common, that ordinary people say 'oh, I'm sure that wasn't what he was doing, it's just a silly misunderstanding' right down to 'why would you want to tell such horrible lies about someone' or 'well you weren't exactly easy to cope with, you were always a bit wayward'. When watcing it on TV, people are full of sympathy, but people don't want CSA in their real lives.

 

[Fadeaway]

Telling was a HUGE mistake for me. Everyone except my husband has reacted poorly. My grandmother refused to believe, called me a liar and told me I was making it up for attention. Still to this day she will randomly say things like "remember that time you made up those horrible things and almost destroyed his life?" It doesn't matter what it did to me I guess.

My first husband used it against me. As the others have said, people will and do use it against the victim. So unless her parents are the type to stand by her no matter what and always put her feelings above their own, I would be very cautious.

@Meadowsweet, you are spot on with how people react in real life, versus how they act on T.V.

 

[Sammyiam]

I have never told my family as in Mum Dad Brothers and Sisters and it was my Dads best friend which went on for about 7 years, he lived a few houses away, plus it happened again in my late 20's by another family friend, I am so glad I never told my family about my past and still am to this day, I told my husband when I was in my twenties and it was the worst thing I ever did, it was over 20 years after the childhood csa, and we had been married for 8years, but it only came out when our best friend locked me in a room and ..... Well I don't need to say anymore, I had a major meltdown, and it just came out as I was such a mess I could not function at all, when my husband found out all he wanted to do was kill them, and it added so much stress to all of us as I had him to contend with as well as all the other stuff.

Still to this day, I'm now 46 and been married for 28 years, I can say it has added so much stress to all, I wish that I could take back the fact I told him, or at least i wish I had never told him who the person was, but if I had done that it would be unfair on so many as he would always be guessing. So either way I lose

I would just say that be very careful when saying things, as it can open a whole can of worms, that you have no idea that you are going to open and can get very very messy as I have found out.

 

[scout86]

I wouldn't say, definitely, to NOT tell them. I'd just suggest that she discuss the goals and expectations first. If her therapist & psychiatrist think it would be helpful, they might be right, but it would be good to understand, the ways in which they see it being helpful. You can't control other people's reactions, so you can't be sure, going in, that those reactions will be what you want. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if the expectation is that the act of telling them, by itself, will be helpful, regardless of how they react, then there's a reason to tell them. If having them know, by itself, will be helpful, then tell them. But if she "needs" some particular response from them, then she needs to know that she may or may not get that response.

In my own case, if I'd had some other source of support to help me deal with the "it's all about them" reaction I got, it would have helped. There were more issues, in my case, than just the sexual abuse. I didn't realize that, at the time. The reaction I got was typical of the other issues. Again, I didn't realize that. If I had, I'd have realized that there was no point in saying anything because there wasn't going to be the kind of support I wanted coming from that direction. Every situation is different.

@Sammyiam , I DO think telling SOMEONE is important. If I'm going to be in a sexual relationship with someone, I HAVE to tell them something, because there are a couple of very specific situations they need to know can be problems. I need to know they respect that. Besides that, of course, none of this ever gets any better if you just keep it locked away inside. It's cool that your husband wanted to defend you, but too bad that he couldn't be trusted to be rational about it.

@Ketamine Dreams , has your wife asked about the reasons her advisers think disclosure would be helpful? I'd be interested to know, if you can share that.

 

[Running to music]

Hi
I experienced CSA by a friend of the family. This year I finally told my parents. It has been 30 years since it happened. I had been carrying that huge burden with me all this time. It was very hard to get up the courage to say something. My dad was in denial for awhile after I told them because it was one of his close friends & someone he worked with for over 25 years. I couldn't find the strength to speak up until after the guys funeral. My mom was very supportive. My dad has joined her in support after about 6 months of shock. It took forever to speak, but it lifted guilt & shame from my soul and helped me see that life can go on. It was worth taking the risk for me. I hope this helps.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I told my mother on a compulsion. I just out of the blue told her my step grandfather sexually abused me for many years. Her response was a calm reply that 'oh, yes we know that he did that to his first family' then WHY did she leave me alone with guy. Later I told my sisters and they said he got them too.

None of them have ever said another word about it.

I'm glad I told my mother. She never should have let him near us. She doesn't deserve to live not knowing how much her actions screwed me up.

 

[Running to music]

[DOUBLEPOST=1404848884,1404848782][/DOUBLEPOST]@KwanYingirl I am sorry that happened to you. Glad you told her so you got some validation that it was never you're fault.

 

[StellaBlue]

Telling was a HUGE mistake for me....My first husband used it against me. As the others have said, people will and do use it against the victim.

This makes me so sad. It happened to a friend of mine as well - during the custody battle. Sometimes people really suck.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

They feel my wife would benefit by telling because she never felt she could say anything. In a way she thought she was protecting her parents all that time, when in reality she was building up extra shame and guilt. I believe it would also be a way that her young self could finally speak out and be heard.

I've just heard so much that secrets like that are harmful and that releasing them helps healing. Her parents are stable responsible people, and could handle the information. There would certainly be some grieving, but I think they would be very responsive, and it would help so much. She is on a lot of psych meds, and several in large doses. She is still struggling at times, and isn't close to her old self yet.