He Doesn't Get It

[kitty_B]

I've been with my partner now for just over 2 years, I was honest about my PTSD from the start and told him the highlights of my life, psychological abuse, rapes, neglect ect. We have had a rocky relationship to say the least, problems with his job and his ex's and his own self image which caused him to push me away and reject me. We broke up last august after I cheated, I admitted that I was wrong, I felt neglected and got drunk and made a rash decision whilst on holiday away from him.

We got back together a few weeks later and have been trying to build back the trust between us which hasn't been easy. I am now having to change my medication as the previous meds were causing sever mood swings and I was becoming violent. I have tried to explain that my PTSD is a factor in how I behave and react to situations but I think he think that I'm using it as an excuse and doesn't really talk about it.

I'm hoping that someone can advise me how to talk to him or recommend a book or website that I can direct him to so that he might realise that I'm not making excuses. I really don't know how to talk to him about this anymore and I'm scared, I've pushed him away lately and the mood swings haven't helped. I don't want to to lose him, he is the first man in my life ever, that has really loved me

 

[Spiderallis]

You're already on the best online resource I've found for understanding PTSD- the 'wiki' link at the top of the page has great information, clearly written and easy to understand. There's a section of "Supporter" boards for the people who care about folks like you and I, that might be helpful for him too.

To me, it's not a good sign that he's avoiding the subject. Did he say you're using it as an excuse, or is that your interpretation of his behavior? Communication is a huge part of what makes a relationship work or not, for everybody- not just when ptsd comes into the mix.

 

[saffy]

Hi Kitty

I feel in a way that you might be better to stop trying to make him get it but to allow him to just support you and show you the love you need and expect.

However, you have to also be aware that his own issues will also affect the relationship, it is not just down to you to try and mend it or keep it going. He also has to take responsibility for his own thoughts and actions.

Because it seems you both have issues it will take more effort on both sides. :)

However, this forum, as suggested by Spiderillis, is a good foundation to sit together and learn more about it and how it affects different people in different ways.

I hope you have your meds sorted also I know it is a horrible feeling when on the wrong ones. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Hashi]

I do appreciate that communication and talking things through is very important. At the same time, I think rebuilding trust comes from how people act more than what they say.

In a relationship where my trust was broken, it was the other person's actions over time that rebuilt my trust. The explanations and apology were important, but the trust couldn't return until I'd seen them consistently make the effort and demonstrate that they meant what they said. It took a lot of time.

I'm not saying that your behaviour needs to be suddenly perfect, of course that's not possible. PTSD will be a factor, but there are ways that you can still take ownership for how you behave and react within that. For example going to therapy, reviewing your meds (as you have done), having coping strategies and using them - taking time out, anger mangement techniques, regular relaxation exercises and so on - shows that you're taking what responsibility you can, and making the effort.

I think Spideralis asks a good question, whether he himself has said he thinks you're using PTSD as an excuse. Perhaps he does, and if so that's important. I would also be thinking about how hurt and insecure he might still be feeling after you cheated on him. I understand that you've taken responsibility, and that's a first step towards rebuilding trust, but there are many more steps after that and it takes time. To be very honest, I think you have to expect a certain amount of withdrawal, distance and wariness while your relationship recovers from that.