He Doesn't Understand

[mdewakan]

I have to get this off my chest. I don't know what to do. My partner blamed me about my past. My past is that of sexual abuse/rape. He told me the reason it happened is because I let it happen. My grandmother knew about it and she chose not to do anything. He told me I should have fought back. How can I when I was sleeping and such? My abuser was in the military at that time and I feared him.

My partner says I am the one to blame for it. Tonight we got in a fight and he punched me in the ribs. It was the first time he has ever hit me. He then told me that I enjoyed getting hit just liked I enjoyed getting raped. So now I am reliving the trauma due to what he said. I don't know what to do! He just doesn't understand. Any help?

 

[intothelight]

Mdewaken,

You will not like my answer. You leave, file a police report, and move on. Hitting someone is breaking the law and you do not have to take it. He will never understand and the only thing that will "help" is for you to move on and help yourself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the reality. I have been there and I can tell you everything that one thinks to "justify" staying. Please don't do it. End the hurt now so you can heal.

ITL

 

[seedling]

Since you know he doesn't understand, you know that you weren't to blame for your past.

It's way beyond his not understanding.

He's either taking advantage of you for his own outlet or trying to see if he can force you to defend yourself by hurting you more. Either way (or whatever way it is) it's sick and is unhealthy for you.

You are not only reliving past trauma but headed for a new one. You can get yourself away from this, don't wait for understanding that will never come.

Reach out for support here and from trusted people around you. There are those who really care.

Thinking of you.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Echoing the last two posts....leave and surround yourself with support. It will only get worse if you continue to try and hope he will understand. He won't, he has made that clear. Protect yourself, you are worth it. You are not to blame. You deserve better. So sorry there is not a simple answer to fix things. We with experience under our belt understand how hard a step of parting ways is. It is healthy though. You are in my thoughts. (((HUG)))

 

[Unhinged]

mdewaken,

Please take care of yourself and leave. Like the others said. And yes, you probably wanted a different answer or may think that we don't know your situation. You are right, we don't know all the details, that doesn't matter anymore. The moment someone hurts you, it should be over. I have been in several abusive relationships. I have a real pretty nose now, and my ribs never healed back right.

Like Porrershand said, it is hard to part ways. But you are worth it. It is not your fault.

After reading your post again something else caught my eye, "He then told me that I enjoyed getting hit just liked I enjoyed getting raped." If he feels fine hitting you, how will he feel about raping you? Its time to go.

 

[goingonhope]

"I don't know what to do! He just doesn't understand."

It doesn't sound like he cares to understand either, more like he wants you to understand a bit more about him.

I'd need to get right away from anyone talking that sh't and punching me in my ribs; I'd need to leave to protect both myself and him.

mdewakan, it's far more then he doesn't understand IMO, he's missing somethings vital to a working relationship, Such as compassion, self-control, self respect or any other respect. No need to waste time and energy trying to understand your partner, he likely thinks he's all set now for sometime with you, has gone and gotten such abuse and violence in your relationship on rolling.

I'd expend every ounce of energy and time now making plans to leave and create your life.

To hell with helping create his life for him, and at your progressive loss of mental, etc. and physical well-being and health.

Take care mdewakan!

Hope

 

[goingonhope]

And, if you don't need to make plans and can just go, you can do this. You're can do it, I'm sure you're worth it!

Hope

 

[mdewakan]

I left him when he passed out. I had a roll of quarters and took a taxi. My mom ordered me a bus ticket. I am over two hours away from him. I notified his family as well. He is trying to get me back but not working. My friends and family are supporting me on this. More posts to come. Thank you for giving the extra courage to do this.

 

[Unhinged]

Good job mdewaken, we are here for you. Hope you keep in touch. Good luck and take care of yourself.

 

[Nicolette]

Any help?

I am sorry I am late to respond. My brutally honest advice is get out the relationship with the guy.

• Your partner has no right to judge you on your past as he has never had to walk in your shoes
• It is easy to sit on the outside and pass judgement but this man is way out of line telling you how you should reacted (fought back). Often easier said than done and when fear kicks in we don't often react 'logically'.
• No man should EVER HIT YOU. As for saying you enjoyed it, my gut tells me he is a perpetrator himself and has prayed on you. Run...run a mile...change phone numbers whatever you need to do. If he hits you over something like this there is no telling what he may do.
• You won't be able to get someone to understand your position if they have no respect for it in the first place.

You know the answers.........you just need the strength to follow them through and we are here to support you if we can.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Good for you! You did the right thing. Please try and keep posting and coming back for support. I am so very proud of you. Stay strong and lean on your support, and thank God you have them. Hugs to you!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mdewakan,

You did the right thing by leaving and it took a lot of courage. Be proud of yourself.

It is good that you have support at home and you will find a lot of support here. Use whatever resources you find necessary to keep moving forward and healing.

Bad behavior is never justifiable or excusable.

Thinking of you.
Debbie