General He Is So Angry With Me! When Not To Apply Pressure

[Chantico]

I know this is an old post but maybe some people will see it. Reading through these posts fill me with dread - they seem a larger, more prolonged version of what I've been through trying to help this guy.

The beginning of the year, til about Easter, he really treated me badly - taking his temper out on me by snapping at anything I said, mocking me, saying cruel things about me to friends when he knew I could hear him. It took me a while - I have a lot of patience and low self esteem anyway, but it got to the point where after months of this (we were basically living together as flatmates) I put my foot down. Now I can't believe I sunk so low, let him take advantage of me like that. Everytime it got to the point where I couldn't take anymore, he would run instead of facing the problem, take all his stuff back to his room in the flat opposite, saying that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore so he can't hurt me if he's not there to hurt me.

But I fought back.

I'm not sure how to advise anyone else on what to do, and you all seem to have much longer stories than me, but basically, I would advise treating yourself as a friend. If you wouldn't stand for your best girlfriend putting up with that treatment, don't stand for it for yourself. I'm guilty of this too - I roll over and accept crap that I would be furious if a friend accepted. I had low self esteem anyway, and it was forced lower, to the point where I just wanted to sleep for months instead of waking up and having to face another day of all the crap.

I basically allowed him to use me for sex. I have no idea how I managed to sink that low, but I was in love with him (still am, and we gave it another go over Easter and it was so much better) and then had to hear him talking about how he was going to try his luck with all these other girls, or talk about his ex-girlfriend all the time. He was my first, and I'm still reeling from it all - everytime I think I've put it down, gotten over all the crap he put me through, all the months of him convincing me I was second best to everyone else - good enough to f*ck but not good enough to date/commit to.

He's spent months realsiing how badly he hurt me, and he is sorry and contrite and is trying his best to undo those convictions he put in me. But I think some good has come out of it. I had to go that low to know what I wouldn't stand for. To know where my boundaries are. Since Easter, we've had a few arguements, but he's so much better now - when we argue now, he no longer hermitises or convinces himself that I hate him and that I would be better if he was out of my life.

But because I recognise a lot of his 'quirks' now, when he snaps at me, I can remove myself from the immediate situation, work out if his response is merited, and if it isn't tell him calmly but clinically that he is out of order/below the belt, that it's not me he's angry at, so I suggest 'you sit and think about what you're really upset about, because it's not me, and I'm not allowing you to take it out on me. I'm here for you when you need to talk, but you're not going to treat me like crap.'

Part of him snapping at me is because he's given up putting on an act for me - I've somehow always been able to see through it and repeatedly tell him that I am not his audience. So in part it's an odd sort of compliment that he's comfortable enough around me to not bother with an act, but it doesn't stop it being unfair.

Some parts of him are really childish sometimes - so many of his emotional responses - I figure that as so much of his childhood was ruined, he never got the slow development that most of us get as children, to learn the appropriate emotional response to things. So it's like he's learning how to respond now that he's away from his parents for the first time in his life. Things he makes mistakes in, for example, he gets really self destructive and self hating and would give up except for the fact that I wont let him give up (he made me promise not to let him ever give up on a couple of things) and I've ended up telling him that he's the only one with such high expectations of himself, no-one else expects him to be perfect.

I don't know how much of the getting better was him accepting he had a problem (again, something I made him accept because it was just getting worse and worse the more he tried to deny it) or what, but I think part of it was because he couldn't feel so bad about himself for his treatment of me, because I put my foot down and refuses to let him treat me like that anymore. It's just a theory I've had for a little while. Sometimes, they need boundaries, someone to take control, other times, they want the othe rperson to take control when it would be better for them to.

When it comes to you, stand your ground. If you'd be furious at someone treating a friend like that, then don't stand for it yourself.
Just because he has problems, does not make him exempt from proper social interaction. We can offer mitigating circumstances, but if he's out of line, tell him. Also, maybe keep a diary - it's hard to get into it being an everyday thing, but trust me, it helps you sort out your own head, and also it'll give you an alibi - if he starts accusing you of saying things that you didn't, or that he's said, then you'll have proof to show him.

I'm really lucky I suppose, in that I'm not married to this guy, he's just my best friends, there are no children to complicate the matter (there was a pregnancy scare or two though) and when he's calmer, not in the middle of one of his moods, he's really rational and he wants us to be okay as much as I do.

He has yet to prove himself to me after our last big blowout, but wont be able to until we go back to uni in the Autumn, but he's so much better now that I'm able to tell him the truth about how hurt I am. He wasn't strong enough to cope with my truth when it was happening - anytime things weren't okay between us, he ended up passing out more than normal. But he's strong enough now, and it's shocked him that I swallowed all that for his sake, but he's told me quite aggressively that he refuses to lose my friendship, so I am lucky in that he's now, at last, as willing to put up a fight as I am.

I don't know if anything I've said will help anyone, and all your situations are even more convoluted than mine!, but I hope so, as I've managed to learn from the past and my mistakes.

 

[Jim]

Welcome to the forum Chantico. Pleasant to see a new member. Your PTSD sufferer is your boyfriend? Only asking as I don't recall you giving a formal introduction. Don't wish to say anything out of turn or incorrect.

Some parts of him are really childish sometimes - so many of his emotional responses - I figure that as so much of his childhood was ruined, he never got the slow development that most of us get as children, to learn the appropriate emotional response to things.

Could be a bad childhood. However. He has PTSD, correct? PTSD sufferers have problems with emotions. Period. Not necessarily to do with their raising. Moreso with the trauma and resulting imbalance in their brains. All three of our PTSD sufferers had happy childhoods. Yet they behave(d) precisely as you describe.

Sometimes, they need boundaries, someone to take control, other times, they want the othe rperson to take control when it would be better for them to. When it comes to you, stand your ground. If you'd be furious at someone treating a friend like that, then don't stand for it yourself.

Very true. They need boundaries, else they will walk all over you. Especially if they are quite ill or not working upon themselves sufficiently. Good advice, to stand your ground. Takes a strong and brave individual. Well done.

Jim.

 

[Chantico]

Thank you for the welcome. I followed your advice and left an introductory post, which garnered an unexpected response, and my explanation and defense to said response seems to have not materialised nearly 12 hours after I posted it...

Thank you for you words. No, he's not my boyfriend, although we've tried it twice. We both worked out that we should break up for the summer - he's not been single since his early teens and I didn't think that was healthy - his identity was based around being a 'boyfriend' which I think translated to 'protector' in his head.

Yes, he's had a horrible childhood. He doesn't talk much about it, likes his privacy, but I've seen a number of his flashbacks and the times when he relives what's happened to him and it's not pretty. Every so often his facade will drop and he will sit and talk to me for ages about it, and if I happen to be not there already (even when we're not 'together' we're practically inseparable - coming back from uni is weird because he's not there - it's like I'm missing a limb or something) if he's feeling upset he seeks me out or phones me. He's my best friend, and on/off more than that.

It doesn't make sense, that anyone could do that to a child! He hasn't been diagnosed from a professional appointment, but my mum is a GP and suggested it, so I did some research and it fits. Even if it's not PTSD, he still has a lot of problems from what his parents put him through - he can't actually remember most of his childhood, his memory is terrible, depression, dissociation, and bouts of feeling like he wants to self harm or commit suicide. He is at once one of the strongest yet most vulnerable people I've met. A strange mixture of mature-beyond-his-years and nervous little boy, with such a low self esteem, but it's getting better. He's standing up taller now, instead of slouching. He smiles more - actual smiles, not actors smiles, he thinks about what he wants, for once, instead of tailoring his life to make things easier for others.

I don't know much about PTSD, most of what I know has been worked out from first hand experiance, so I have a lot of theories which could be wrong or could do with developing, but the more I understand, the more I can help him. I promised him I am not abandoning him and I mean to keep that promise.

One theory is that a lot of what he put me through was him testing me - not consciously, but because he's been told he's not worth...anything, really, and has learnt that nobody takes his side and everyone leaves him, he on some level must have thought the same true of me - pushing and pushing to see what I'd take, how far I'd go for him, how much I would put up with - the idea is that 'good things are an illusion' so he's trying to find out where the illusion ends because at leats if HE breaks it, it's under his control and he wont end up feeling secure with something that could break.

Just a theory. I think he's stopped testing now. I hope he has. Time will tell, but he even gave me the same damn 'you are a Good person, you are strong and you have to fix your own head out because although I want to do it for you I can't' pep talk I've been giving him since I met him when I had a bit of a meltdown last week. Which is a good sign, right? If he's listened enough and hopefully believes it enough to give those words back to me when I'd lost faith in myself?

 

[Kathy]

I followed your advice and left an introductory post, which garnered an unexpected response, and my explanation and defense to said response seems to have not materialised nearly 12 hours after I posted it...

Whilst you are in moderation, all your posts must be approved by an editor before they are published. That is why you have not seen your response yet. Likely there has been no editor online to approve your post. There are only a few editors and they all work voluntarily.

 

[Chantico]

Thanks Kathy - Veiled sent me a message explaining it a little. I seem to have got a little paranoid over it, but did councel myself with the 'they're probably busy'.
Thankyou for taking the time to explain though.
It wasn't mean as a complaint, just something I'd noticed and was worried about, as I wasn't sure if I had given offense somehow - again with the mild paranoia.
Before anyone else jumps on the bandwagon, I'm not claiming to be paranoid. Just saying that I over-worry about things. :)

 

[Kathy]

I am pleased you understand Chantico, perhaps my reply was too brief. Really though it is nothing personal, merely a safeguard here on the forum to prevent spammers, abuse and so on. I should have also mentioned that I only approve posts in this section, nowhere else, in the event you were wondering why I didn't approve the introductory post for you. If you are worried or have a problem with something of this nature again, you are free to send me or another editor a private message.