It generally takes months of honest hard work to change the behavior, with a whole lot of slip ups during that time period. Change doesn't happen overnight, or in a week.
So when setting boundaries? A hard limit, is they do it, you're done. But a soft limit is better used when someone is attempting to change a behavior.
Not too harsh. I was checking back obsessively for replies yesterday afternoon because I really needed someone to bounce ideas off of, so thanks a bunch for the comments. I ended up spending time with one of my best friends last night who is one of the most supportive people I've ever met. If/when I ever vent to her, she will give me the most judgemental advice she can, because she knows she doesn't fully understand the not typical aspects of my relationship. She says no matter what I choose, she is always Team *insert my name here*.
With that being said, we drank last night and after many drinks, she got a little more honest. She was harsh in describing the way he is treating me. But I think she's right...right? PTSD is not excuse. Lying is not a symptom. Inability to be faithful is not a symptom....
You make a very good point about taking time to change behavior. In your opinion, do you think a softer limit would have been better here? He has had a habit of lying since his girlfriend before me. He lied in his relationship with her. His other habit that goes hand in hand with his lying is hiding his communication with other girls -- whether that be deleting text conversations or lying about who he is texting, downloading an app that he messages female acquaintances on, or attending an event in a group and specifically leaving out one individual when listing who he is with. I have made it clear since the very beginning that I am (for lack of a better word)
obsessed with faithfulness. I think cheating is cowardly and an excuse. If you don't want to be with someone? Leave. If you want to explore other people? Leave. It is so unfair to have one person being true and devoted to only you with the understanding they are receiving the same in return when in reality they aren't.
Normally I am vague with details when I post or even go so far as to change small details for the sake of anonymity and on the off chance that my....whatever he is.....stumbles upon this. But f*ck it, I need help with this.
There is an app that he has used in the past to talk to other girls (the majority of with he has history with). I'm all for friends that are girls. Fine. But talking to your ex on the app after you specifically told me you had her blocked? That's an intentional lie. And such a stupid lie... I've told him time and time again that the truth would be 300x better than a small dumb ass lie. He generally apologizes, says he will delete the app, and we move forward.
A few weeks ago, he gave me his phone to use to buy something. While using his phone, he got a text from a girl that we had discussed in the past. He would get texts from her and say oh I don't respond or she's just texting out of the blue or she doesn't live here, etc. Okay. But this text was in the middle of a full blown conversation, the rest of which he had deleted. I left for a walk to cool off because we had people over. I came back and things escalated and he went (verbal only) ZDT in front of my family. I contacted the girl on my own. We talked. She seems nice. She said nothing ever happened, she hasn't seen him in years, and that she doesn't live anywhere near us -- which matched what he said. BUT she said she had no idea he had a girlfriend, that she doesn't like it when "guys act like they don't have girlfriends" and that now she understands why he messages her on the app instead of texting. So the app is still there apparently, after I was told it was deleted.
We discussed it. I talked about how the lying affects me and I have a hard time trusting him and that that's not the way a relationship is supposed to be. He said he would never worry about me cheating on him. WHICH IS THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. He apologized, said he understood if I didn't trust him. Said he just liked the feeling of flirting with others but that he's never "cheated" on me (aka slept with anyone else although I think cheating can happen way before that). He deleted the app, said it wasn't fair that he took out anything bad on me and that he couldn't appreciate me....blah blah blah we moved forward.
After taking a few days to process it, I gave him three hard boundaries: If either of us puts our hands on each other in an aggressive act, I will leave. If he lies to me, I will leave. If he continues to disrespect our relationship by flirting with other girls, I will leave. He said that was fair and agreed. We moved forward.
Yesterday, I downloaded the stupid app. He still has it. It showed he was at the bar last night. He didn't tell me he was at the bar last night. I confronted him about it and asked him why he didn't say anything about going to the bar like he normally does, he said he wanted to be alone and not be bothered. I said that was fine. I asked him why he lied. He said he didn't owe me an explanation. I asked him if he remembered what I said would happen if he lied to me again, and he said bye in about three different ways and that he was over it. I said okay.
This is where I wish I would have left it.
I reached out to him last night. Not a lot, but too much. I got four responses......"sorry", "I'm sorry", "in due time", and "goodnight". I asked him if he was ever going to change and his response was "in due time".
I feel like he's had so many chances to curb this behavior. I didn't think my hard limit was too constrictive due to all the past history I've mentioned, but maybe it was. I would welcome any advice or opinions on that.
He hasn't reached out to me at all. Because I always come back. I always start contacting him to just draw any tiny bit of love and then run with whatever crumb of decency he gives me to start fixing things. He doesn't come to me wanting to fix things. He doesn't act like he's sorry. He barely says he's sorry. To me, that means he doesn't value me. And why should he? He's been getting away with this for 2+ years.
I have a basic understanding of PTSD....the pushing away, the diminished ability to show affection, and the deep rooted need for self-preservation. But I'm thinking this just has to be 100% asshole.
