Sexual Assault He said it was all consensual....

[J_trustno1]

I've been seeing this guy for the last 2-3 months. Each time he forced himself on me. Initially I felt it was normal. It was not until the last time (10 days ago) when he pulled my clothes off and assaulted me.

When the police gave him a trespass ,(i.e. a notice to not contact or else he will face the consequences), he refused and told them that it was all consensual. I've been feeling shit each time he tried doing something with me because this relationship was not that serious and it was no where near intimacy. He always yelled and told me off, manipulated his ways on me. Whenever I tried to speak back he would yell it me and shut me up exactly like how my abusers did.

Now that the police has warned him, he refused what he's done. I've been feeling down for the last 1 month every time he tried his contact with me. Each time he assaulted me, he did not use an condom. I took the morning after pill twice in 3 weeks resulting me having period twice already. I've been sitting on computer searching for the term "Sexual assault" and "rape" each day trying to find what has happened to me? Was it my fault? Why did he do all that when he said he won't do anything without my consent? Now he's denying what he's done trying to make me look like a "slut"? I am struggling to sleep each night and I force myself to get out of the house, I can't concentrate on my studies or anything. In the end it was my fault?

Really????

 

[Justmehere]

It was not your fault.

He's acting like many abusers do, to try to lie and scheme their way out of responsibility and charges.

If you enthusiastically agreed and said yes to everything he did, then that's not sexual assault. If you never told him to stop, he may have misinterpreted verbal silence as consent... But even if you agreed to one thing, or to have sex one time, or to have certain kind of intimacy, that doesn't give him a right to force himself on you and do things to you against your will and consent.

If he is continuing to contact you, especially after the clear warning and notice from the police, please contact the police right away and notify them he is violation the trespassing order.

His actions are not your fault. :hug:

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Justmehere. This whole thing has affected me psychologically. this guy did not care about me and always wanted it his ways. I never had a say. I was always treated like a kid and exactly how I grew up to abuse :(

 

[Friday]

Of course he's denying it Jas. To admit it would mean admitting to a crime he would be imprisoned for.

Just because he says it didn't happen, doesn't mean it didn't happen. It means he wants to stay out of jail.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, it's not your fault! :hug:

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could really use extra support right now.

 

[Friday]

Continuing the thought for just a moment;

One of the nice things about stranger rapes... (Something one certainly doesn't hear every day :O_o:)... Is that's all you know of them. They can freely exist as pure evil in your mind and heart, if you like.

One of the very difficult things about DV, DateRape, and other SexualAssaults & SexualAbuse where you know you rapist/assailant/abuser... Is that sometimes they're abusive, sometimes they're not, but either way? One has firsthand experience of them not being all-things-bad. From loving and respecting them deeply on one end to casually liking/being interested in getting to know them on the other end of the spectrum... It makes everything that much muddier, more confusing, more prone to self-blame & should-haves & 20/20 hindsight, & self-doubt, & questioning, & confusion. That's normal. It's very very normal. It doesn't make you wrong for it. And it certainly doesn't make him right!

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with what everyone else here has said; this guy sounds like a typical abuser. It's not your fault that he's such a scumbag. You can't control the actions of terrible people, you sort of just have to acknowledge that they are terrible people and keep them away. But what you can control in this situation is boundaries. So I think it might be helpful to examine why you thought it was normal for him to do this until recently. I don't mean that in a negative way and I hope you won't take offense ...

 

[J_trustno1]

I feel dirty and disgusted with myself for all this that has happened to me. I trusted him and he broke my trust.
The reason I ignored all the abuse signs was because he said that's "what a relationship is about" and whenever I told him to back off or limit himself he wouldn't listen , he would continue doing whatever he was doing.
If I tried telling me this over a text message or phone, he would stop texting me for several days or send a rude text telling me off or else yell at me on the phone.

Whenever I have an authority or someone trying to control me, I get scared and I surrender regardless of who it is. It's my way of coping from childhood sexual, verbal, physical or emotional abuse. I simply just give up and give in to the abuser because I fear being "told off" or considered "rude".

I feel sick of what he's done. It feels very cheap and according to him "I'm a slut!" I hate this. I never wanted my first dating experience to be like this. I don't even think I will want a relationship anymore in the future. I'm very put off by this.

I will be seeing another counselor soon and I will be contacted by the social services who will look after me. But this experience has shaken me. I still can't believe that he went this far with me :( :( :( :cry:.

 

[J_trustno1]

I feel shit because I was nothing but an object to him. How could I let him use me? I can't stop crying and I'm getting headaches from all this :( :cry: :(.

Maybe I deserved to be used and hated because that's what I've been dealing with since I was a kid :( :(

 

[Casey_03]

Whenever I have an authority or someone trying to control me, I get scared and I surrender regardless of who it is. It's my way of coping from childhood sexual, verbal, physical or emotional abuse. I simply just give up and give in to the abuser because I fear being "told off" or considered "rude".

Make sure you talk to your new counselor about this. You need to make sure no one ever treats you like this again, and in order to do that, you need to work on changing that coping mechanism. It's hard, but it's necessary.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm feeling very shit right now @Casey_03 . It feels like I'm not better than a whore. I feel very cheap and disgusted :( :( :( :( . I can't even concentrate on studies or my health. Seriously, this is bringing me down every day :( :cry: :depressed:

 

[Casey_03]

Maybe I deserved to be used and hated because that's what I've been dealing with since I was a kid

No, you didn't deserve it. But try to look at this in a more constructive way -- see it as a wake-up call to never let yourself be treated this way again. It's shit, but it already happened and beating yourself up over it won't change anything. Beating yourself up over it will actually only make things worse. The only thing you can do is use it as fuel to make yourself stronger.