Relationship He Said We Needed Space, I Don't Even Know If We're Speaking

[shadesofgreen]

I was with my Sgt for 16 months, and when he knew he was being retired, he decided he was moving home 5 miles away. He and I were awesome together. I knew he had PTSD from date 1, and it didn't deter me; I honestly love him with all my heart. In December, he even asked my mom permission to marry me. I was over the moon.

He had his moments, and he would withdraw. I saw him off to his home state; it broke my heart knowing that I couldn't be there with him (yet) - he wanted to stabilize himself first and then have me visit. He has been there for four months, and he is depressed, sleeping on a couch, unemployed, drinking and anxious. I know because he's up all night. I offered him to move in with me, but he adamantly refused because he wanted to be home; I offered to move out there when I could, and he said not until he was ready, and I respected that.

This month, communication was off ... something wasn't right. He "accidentally" blocked me on Facebook. He stopped reaching out when he needed help. He parties with his friends. I saw and felt him pulling away. Then I got the 1AM "I need temporary space, you should date other men, I'm not good enough for you, I wish I could tell you I loved you" conversation. A piece of me died but I held it together very gracefully.

I decided to make a stupid move and visit. I was so desperate to make sure he was okay (he said he was depressed, unfocused, miserable -- I needed to know he was okay) that I went to see him. I definitely triggered his PTSD and he sent me a horrible text telling me "this isn't what I meant by space." I was devastated and left without even seeing him face to face.

I sent him a "let him go" type of email - sweet, caring, supportive. I would still get on the next flight out if he needed me. I love him very much. Then, my coworker snooped on his Facebook and saw that he had changed his picture to him and one of his female friends (he had promised me in the space conversation that he was not dating nor was he capable of dating. I choose to believe him for the sake of my sanity). I have pretty much lost 7 lbs in the 4 days because I'm so heartbroken.

I called him and said (very clearly and professionally, not all crazy like, but definitely hurt) "Sgt, I understand what's going on, and I respect your space. You don't have to respond to this call."

It's only been 48 hours; we've gone longer with him being in the pull back state and not responding. I have myself decided to hold back communication until/unless I hear from him as I don't want to upset him. His heart means more to me than my own - I wanted to be his wife and family in spite of the issues.

I am so glad that I found this place; my friends are hideously badmouthing him to me and trying to make me hate him. I don't have hatred in my heart for him. If he meant this to move on, that's fine and I accept it heavy heartedly. I guess I'm not sure whether he finally is hitting bottom, or if he really doesn't want anything to do with me.

I don't know what to make of any of this. I am mostly afraid that my "final" call will be the final call, and that he interpreted to mean "I hate you." I know I am strong and will move on because I can't wait for him (I don't even know if he thinks we broke up, since no one directly said that), but I am so confused and hurt today.

 

[Sighs]

Welcome to the forum. Check out the supporter section of the site - there are heaps of helpful stories there - you are not alone.

 

[Peach]

Every time someone posts a new story, I am amazed yet again how similar they all are. Details here and there are different, but it all the same basic outline.

Welcome to our little slice of limbo. Grab a coffee and sit a spell. :)

 

[technigirl]

Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Is he getting any treatment for his PTSD? If not then he may not be capable of a close, healthy relationship of any sort. He parties with his friends because those relationships are likely more casual and so they don't stress him out as much (good or bad stress).

I would give him his space, you really have no choice right now anyways, this is part of the burden that supporters bear. He may come back, or he may not. If he isn't getting treatment, honestly, you may be better off without him. At any rate, you sound like you have your head on straight; you will get through this!

 

[shadesofgreen]

I will completely admit today that I panicked and worried that my last call would be badly interpreted, so I texted him "Good luck at the interview" that I know he has today. I have read a million about space and not contacting, but I felt the need to be kind to him and let him know that even though he's ... being this way, I will support him.

I feel like such a fool. I'm so disappointed.

 

[Peach]

@slidelikemercury You're human and going through some major emotional upheaval. You do the best you can and that's the best you can do. Don't beat yourself up too much. Sending an "unwanted" text isn't going to kill him or your relationship. Even if you two split permanantly, and I'm not saying you will (I'm eternally optimistic), it isn't going to be on the back of a few texts. It'll be because he has a serious mental condition and isn't yet capable of balancing a life with anyone.:hug:

 

[shadesofgreen]

@Peach Thank you. I know I'm in a major upheaval this week. I feel better knowing that it's the weekend and he has a busy weekend (he takes refuge in sports and will be playing), but ... I also know I won't hear from him. I know I need to take care of myself. I just hope he doesn't forget me.

 

[Peach]

He wanted to marry you, that's not something he could forget overnight.:)

 

[catlover26]

"you wanted to be his wife in spite of these issues"?

I don't want to be harsh but take your time and think this out. I just got a divorce after 30 yrs of marriage not to someone with ptsd. I am dating someone now with ptsd. My point is marriage is tough anyway with anyone without bringing someone's extra baggage into it no matter how much you love them it is not enough. I know it is tough. I really love my Vet now and realize the love I had for my ex was not really the 'right' kind of love. I wish there could be marriage with my Vet in our future but I am pretty certain we won't. He is a recovering alcoholic 30 yrs now but still deals with depression and other issues. I have had to face the reality that our relationship will be limited to what it is now seeing each other a few times a week. It breaks my heart at times because I do love him so much but he still has many things he has not worked out or will not work out in his life. So for now I will stay with him as it is.
Glad you are here! I was so glad when I found this forum. It has been a great help and comfort for me. Wish you the best! If you think he has a drinking problem consider going to Al-Anon. I started a few months ago and it has really helped me.

 

[shadesofgreen]

He called last night, very late.

He cried for like, 70 minutes before being able to apologize for not being able to handle seeing me when I visited - not because I scared him, but because it suddenly dawned on him that he loved me and he didn't want to be in this state when he saw me. He is in counseling as we speak; he is very unstable and I wish I could get on the next flight and hold him, but he wants some time to get himself together before he sees me.

I am oddly at peace right now. We are not fixed; we know we have love and a long road ahead with setbacks and speed bumps. But we're a team.

 

[Glara]

Wow, your story was almost exactly like mine up until he called you and cried. I've told my story on here so many times, I just don't want to tell it anymore. In my case I think I'm finally giving up. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I lost a lot a friends and even family along the way. People can be very cold. They don't want to hear your problems. Anyway, I started to realize that when he and I started I fell so hard because of how kind, and deep he was and how much attention he gave me. I was desperate to feel loved. I still am, but I'm never going to get that from him. He started that way and maybe it really is what he wants, but he can't. He's pretty much gone silent for the past 4 months. So for me it's time to move on.

Your story ended differently than mine. Even so, you'll have many ups and downs and this is a great place for support. I don't have any friends in my life anymore, so I come here when I need to talk about real things. I don't know how long I'll stay on here if I actually do move on but for now it's the best place for me to come for support. Welcome and keep reading and posting.

 

[Kailani]

in my case PTSD causes the need for space sometimes when things are really difficult but that is really what is wanted; not to break it off, not to send anyone into emotional upheavel, just needing some space to deal. and i say please have fun while i'm dealing but i gotta deal in my own way. Hope that helps