I understand your confusion. I absolutely do. The first time my sufferer suddenly picked a fight and disappeared I truly believes my relationship was over.....and that time it lasted less than 24 hours (it happened repeatedly over 5 years with some lasting months)!
This ‘absence’ can be a very confusing and painful issue for many people. For those who have experienced a relationship with a sufferer, isolation can take different forms and may be tolerable or intolerable depending on how they isolate, the length of time it lasts, the level of communication during that time, what was said in the last conversation with that person, the frequency which this occurs, what they are doing during this time, etc.
Disappearing with no explanation or knowledge of whether or not our loved one is ever coming back is so excruciatingly painful for some of us. When you are new to a relationship with someone with PTSD, and unaware of the dynamics, when this happens it is almost impossible to understand what is going on. You are confused and all you want to do is to reconnect. To find answers. When the other person isn’t around to have those conversations with, we drive ourselves crazy thinking about what happened, what went wrong, what we did and how to get back what we had. Then we reach out and try to communicate because, well, that’s what relationships are about, right? Communication. A connection.
Of course this is the very last thing the majority of sufferers want when they are isolating. They are simply in survival mode. It just ratchets up their stress level, when that is the last thing they need. But I didn’t know that in the beginning. When we are new to this world we don’t understand and our natural instinct causes us to want to reconnect at all costs. This leads to two people with opposite needs, each doing something that causes the other person discomfort and pain.
Everyone has a different requirement or need for a connection. My need is very very strong. I want to feel connected at all times. This does not require a physical presence but certainly an emotional one. I need that to feel ‘safe’ (part of my own abandonment issues and my own PTSD).
My partners tendency to isolate was the absolute worst part for me in my relationship. By far, more than any other aspect of it. I could accept everything about him and our unique relationship and I could tolerate how he treated me when we were together (again....my sufferer was also a narcissist, with all of the devaluing and poor treatment, so when I say this was the worst part for me that should illustrate how important a ‘connection’ is for me and how devastating the disappearing was). The disappearing negatively impacted the core of my being. I didn’t feel safe in the relationship and it eroded the trust I had in my partner and in the relationship itself (again, what I experienced is probably on the extreme end of the spectrum).
It sounds like this is the first time that he has isolated physically from you. If I understand what happened correctly, his last conversation with you was very positive about the relationship, and, although he has been otherwise radio silent, he has texted you during this separation period about wanting to be with you and working on the relationship. In my own personal experience with my sufferer this would NOT have happened. There would not have been a loving text like that. If I heard from him at all it would usually be angry or blaming or shaming or something along those lines. Let me just say that a text like you are describing would have done it for me. THAT would have been enough for me to feel safe and connected and given me the strength to be patient and wait for him to work through whatever he needed to work through in order to come back.
The hard part is the not knowing. Maybe he will come back maybe he won’t. Maybe he will come back and then leave again. Maybe this pattern will repeat itself over and over and over again. Maybe, at some point, it will be for good. The problem is, you just don’t know.
Right now, you need to decide if you are willing to be patient and give him a little bit of time, to see if he will come back, before you determine if this relationship is truly over and done with. I get that this may not sit very well and is not easy to do. Only you can decide what you are able to tolerate. But, whatever you decide.....LIVE! Do NOT put your life on pause (been there done that and regretted all the wasted minutes/hours/weeks/months/years) while he is working on himself. Now is a great time to put yourself first. Take care of you. Stay engaged with the world and be happy. Spend time with friends. Pursue your hobbies. Figure out what you need. Decide what your boundaries are for this relationship, if he returns, or your future relationships (this is HUGE).
Whatever happens you have found a forum with people who have experienced what you are experiencing. You will learn so much from spending time reading the threads and you will have the support of all of us, regardless of what happens.
Wishing you all the best.
Peace.
