Relationship He stopped communication; will he come back?

[AllConfused]

It seems to me that you said this, but you didn’t actually mean it given that this “silent ending” is causing you a lot of distress.

I’d avoid saying this in future relationships given that you actually need a conversation in order to have closure.

My guess is that if you contacted him, he’d be confused as you told him that silence was an ok ending.

At this point he might be perfectly fine and not isolating one bit.....as you said silence was the end.

Do you see what I’m saying?

Why would he come back given what you said? This is just yo-yo madness, not something that a sufferer really wants.

At the time of my message to him, I was not aware of any ptsd. I was under the assumption that he was an emotionally intelligent and stable man as he made himself out to be. He was like a dream come true. This was why it was a complete mind-f*ckery when he just showed he couldn’t communicate effectively in order to resolve issues. “I always want to talk through problems...make sure we iron out any misunderstanding, yada yada.”

To me my message regarding his silence is to see whether or not he wanted continue, and for any normal person...if they read that message, they would respond with “Nono I just need some time right now, I don’t want to go separate ways.” I know that’s how I would have handled it if there was any misunderstanding on my partner’s part. I gave him a choice: we can talk about it or you can continue being silent. He chose silence.

To me, silence is good closure bc it at least tells me he no longer wants to speak, as opposed to being in limbo before. After that text and not having him respond at all and I knew he saw it, I immediately felt some relief.

I’m no longer stressed about it. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I was very stressed the week prior to writing my last message...was almost depressed and hurting badly, first time in my life. But as each day passes, I’m better.

Yes I miss him, yes I sometimes yearn for him still, yes I miss what we had when it was good, and yes, I still want to have a friendship, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t started moving on. I allow myself to feel everything and express them when I need to.

And since when has he become the prize? I’m a high value woman, and ptsd or not, if a man cares about losing a woman, he will make an effort. Just like he jumped hoops just to get me to notice him out of the others, and the extent of investment he put into me and us just to get me to open up and give myself to him. And then we had some misunderstandings and Memorial Day came along and everything changed.

If he doesn’t care about losing me completely, I’m not going to do the work for him by being a mind reader. He can meet me half way and patch up what has broken or he can remain frozen where he is now and he’ll never have me again. I loved him genuinely, gave him all of me that I knew how to give in the short time we were together. I was emotionally honest and was ready to help him through all his troubles and be his rock long term. I know my worth and the value I added to his life. If I’m not worth it, ptsd or not, then it’s his loss.

At this point, I’m just trying to understand the mindset of ptsd for knowledge and believe me, I won’t get involved with another man with any kind of mental illness. I was so naive, but from now on “do you have any mental illness” will be discussed early on. This isn’t to say that people with illnesses aren’t worth my time; it’s just my self-awareness that for me, it’s not something I can handle. I need an emotionally healthy man.

 

[AllConfused]

I actually got called out on this from the supporters here,on this site! :laugh: Yep. @Sweetpea76 @LuckiLee and a couple others FINALLY got me to understand this was not protecting my supporters, it was hurting them. Totally blew my mind because it made absolutely NO sense. I was protecting them! How did that make me the bad guy??

I will add that after much patient repeating that no, I did NOT get to think for others,it got thru my head and my supporters are eternally grateful to them. But it was not an easy lesson to learn.

I’m so happy for you that you have come to realize the immense pain and hurt it causes your supporters.

 

[blackemerald1]

I was so naive, but from now on “do you have any mental illness” will be discussed early on.

^Well I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you drop that over the romantic dinner table :) Some may lie, some may deny, some may not even understand that they have a mental illness.

I need an emotionally healthy man.

^ Hmm... what does that even look like? An absence of a mental illness does not equal emotionally healthy either.. :sorry:

 

[Tinyflame]

And also, I didn’t say “if you don’t reply in 2 weeks, I’ll take that it’s over.” I said “if you don’t ever want to speak again, then your silence will give me closure and I’ll respect it”—no time limit whatsoever. I have been respecting it since 2 weeks ago.

Oh, I see @AllConfused . I am sorry. You see, even though I thought I was reading for detail (something often hard with ptsd, especially with much text) even I was confused!

others FINALLY got me to understand this was not protecting my supporters, it was hurting them. Totally blew my mind because it made absolutely NO sense. I was protecting them! How did that make me the bad guy??

Yes @Freida , didn't make sense to me, either! Still doesn't, sometimes. Until I realized (among other things) , 'supporters' are people healthy enough not to harm or abuse you intentionally, by definition care not to, and have feelings; and proceeding living in the present with the past as it's core is unhealthy/ inaccurate. And really f'ed up, really. Even if reactive/ responsive.

I need an emotionally healthy man.

Yes. But I had come back to say (before reading any of this), were it meant to be, perhaps you'd both be fighting for it more. I also do not regret not being 'back there' because it really wouldn't have been best for either of us. And I wasn't inclined to give up easily if I made a commitment. In one case in particular, it would have been a disaster for 'me'. In others, maybe for them? But for me, no regrets. I knew nothing of what being treated 'well' meant, or how to handle it. Which though in most cases doesn't mean people will treat you better. :( And some matches are really just a poor fit, horribly boring or just not really going to go the distance, interior differences, too.

I saw a sign friday something like, "Remember to trust in your journey".

As an aside, I knew a supporter on here who did fight for, and reconnect with and marry his sufferer, and last I heard things were going well. In their case, he fought very hard, and she was receptive. But he, too, took responsibility for how his choices impacted on the relationship dynamic. From what he said, they chose (and were able) to bend to each other.

Have to agree with @blackemerald1 , even emotional and mental health doesn't mean it's a guarantee of no pain, struggle, a good heart, good communication, or integrity. I think most of us could work on various skills (me more than most, I realize). But working on understanding and managing our own attachment styles, and responses can only be beneficial overall, I would think! And unfortunately anyone can get ptsd at any time- even the partner who had no issues you are with already- or even you. It's an equal-opportunity illness.

 

[WTF Happened]

Want to add a couple footnotes/disclaimers to @Junebug's post:

Just because the other person isn't fighting for you, doesn't mean you're not worth fighting for.

Just because other supporters in other relationships discussed on here bear some responsibility for the breakup, doesn't mean you did anything wrong in your case.

I know that for those of us who were blindsided by a loving relationship abruptly ending and being treated so coldly by our ex-partners, it was so jarring that our brain is constantly searching for logical answers. So sometimes even if we "know" the actual answer is it's mental illness, we'll read things on here that do not relate to our situation at all, and our brain will go, "Wait... maybe I did something wrong? Maybe it's my fault? Maybe the reason they didn't fight for me had nothing to do with PTSD symptoms, and everything to do with the fact I'm not worth fighting for."

 

[LovingH]

I just remembered something! I was on vacation while we were together and he told me he was checking the news daily to make sure I was safe; that he needed to know I was safe. I found this sweet at the time, but I had no idea it was hyper-vigilance! Oh my god, why was I so clueless....

Take your time @Junebug!

Yeah..it's interesting how, once we realize our exes have PTSD, and learn so much on this forum, that things they said or did seem to make more sense in hindsight.

 

[LovingH]

Disappearing with no explanation or knowledge of whether or not our loved one is ever coming back is so excruciatingly painful for some of us. When you are new to a relationship with someone with PTSD, and unaware of the dynamics, when this happens it is almost impossible to understand what is going on. You are confused and all you want to do is to reconnect. To find answers. When the other person isn’t around to have those conversations with, we drive ourselves crazy thinking about what happened, what went wrong, what we did and how to get back what we had. Then we reach out and try to communicate because, well, that’s what relationships are about, right? Communication. A connection.

.....

Everyone has a different requirement or need for a connection. My need is very very strong. I want to feel connected at all times. This does not require a physical presence but certainly an emotional one. I need that to feel ‘safe’ (part of my own abandonment issues and my own PTSD).

My partners tendency to isolate was the absolute worst part for me in my relationship.

Yup! In my case, my ex wanted space but was reluctant to ask, because HIS ex had had such a hard time with it. So he withdrew from me. Got cold. Mean. Finally, when I called him on it, he admitted it was about wanting space.

I said it was fine. We agreed upon 4 days. At the end of the 4 days, however, I freaked out because I spent those 4 days ruminating on things he had said before we took space, that trivialized our relationship and made me think he wanted out.

I had IM'd him on FB asking, when can we talk--is tomorrow good? No reply. As I kept getting no replies to my messages, I freaked out, because he was out of town and didn't really explain to me who he was with, or where he was staying (I had a general idea). Too many times in the past, I've had bfs ignore my msgs because they were with other women. So..I got triggered.

I heard nothing from him til the next day, In the afternoon. And I basically had to threaten to break up to get a reply.
For me, I can handle space, but If *I* end up freaking out, I expect some communication. Even if it's minimal.

All he had to say was "I'm busy..I'll text you tom morning." That's ALL he had to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. sometimes even if we "know" the actual answer is it's mental illness, we'll read things on here that do not relate to our situation at all, and our brain will go, "Wait... maybe I did something wrong? Maybe it's my fault? Maybe the reason they didn't fight for me had nothing to do with PTSD symptoms, and everything to do with the fact I'm not worth fighting for."

Oh @WTF Happened I see what you mean, that was insensitive of me and if it hurt you I am sorry. :( Of course you did nothing wrong! Of course you are worth fighting for! If anything, I sometimes think of ptsd as the 3rd entity- causing much grief that neither person would will or wish. In fact it harms both. :( Surviving takes precedence over every one and thing- because it's surviving.

I am ashamed to say when I first read:

Just because the other person isn't fighting for you, doesn't mean you're not worth fighting for.

I thought, ~ "How sweet and what relief! To feel that (as a sufferer- OMG, sorry :( ) one could be forgiven, could be worth fighting for, after everything and in general". :( So yes, make no mistake about it, if anyone was a 'feeling-sufferer' at some point they are left with guilt and regret (or there wouldn't be that thought, that forgiveness or 'worth' or wanting to be seen again is even possible). Numbness is likely the go-to for many sufferers to deal with leaving afterwards and function (much as I suspect drinking is for your gf to try to dim the pain, as that and much else has been for some of us). But neither work, long-term. And I still say, no matter what you read, when it comes to ptsd or any number of things, you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. You can only choose to see the person through your eyes, go by your intuition, and choose your responses. You did nothing wrong even if you triggered her. At some point, she will realize that. In her heart she likely already knows (that).

Best wishes to you.

 

[LovingH]

Stop waiting for the whole "let's be friends" thing. It's unrealistic IMO. If he isn't stable enough for a romantic relationship he probably isn't stable enough for a friend's-who -used-to-date relationship.

Yup. My ex has said about 3 times during this process "maybe we can be friends down the road when things are calmer." I just don't even address that.

I agree with you. Plus, I think I will always have feelings for him and won't be happy as 'just friends.'

 

[EveHarrington]

I was so naive, but from now on “do you have any mental illness” will be discussed early on.

This is like asking someone if they have a drinking problem. Only those who are in recovery or 100% abstain will actually say that we don’t drink. (I don’t drink for health reasons ie I don’t believe it’s healthy to drink any amount of alcohol.) Everyone else is a “social drinker”, everyone who actually is a social drinker all the way up to hard core alcoholics in denial. It’s useless to ask about someone’s drinking, you will only know the truth over time.

And sadly to say, the same goes for mental illness. MANY of us believe this isn’t info you are privileged to have until a certain point in the relationship. There are a lot of married people here who don’t tell their spouse about their ptsd.

So the idea that you can easy peasy ask and get the info you need, may be well intentioned, but is somewhat misguided.

 

[AllConfused]

So instead of being honest about it from the beginning about the severity of his illness...he worms his way into my heart, makes all these promises, gets me to open up completely so I can give all of me to him...unknowningly that he’d just one day disappear...breaking all the promises he has made and doesn’t even have the decency to say a single thing? Leaving me behind to think this was all my fault?

How is this fair to me? To us who have to suffer, for god knows how long, the hole they left behind in our hearts that may never be healed completely!! The damage they left behind when they decided to just....leave without an explanation! Why because simply they decided to make a decision for both people involved?! A decision they had NO RIGHT to make for us both.

Tell me how is any of this fair to me? What he’s done to me? He told me it was okay to trust him, he was safe to trust...that he’d be here to protect me and take care of me....and yet here I am now, aching in my thoughts and my soul when he pops up.

Had he just been honest about what was going on...”I have ptsd and sometimes I withdraw, I isolate when life becomes overwhelming. All I need is just space and I’ll be back and if I don’t want to continue, I will let you know.” This would have not created any damage. Strangely he knows how much it hurts to be abandoned as he had asked me to never just disappear and at least say good bye.

I don’t see how ptsd would make a person incapable of common relationship decency or would make a strong, valiant hero of war not strong enough to be a man of his words.

 

[AllConfused]

So this is info we aren’t privileged to when our hearts have been smashed into pieces because of it? How is any of this fair?