Relationship He stopped communication; will he come back?

[AllConfused]

@EveHarrington. I was unaware of how severe ptsd is. He told me he had it in a fleeting moment and never talked about it affecting his relationships...except he has night terrors and intrusive thoughts, which he said that being with me makes him so comfortable that he slept better and had less intrusive thoughts. To me, I just assumed they were mild because he was so mentally positive and emotionally intelligent. He was so happy! Lots of goofy smiles, lots of laughter, lots of affection, lots of sex. We had fun and we were happy. Nothing was wrong. To me it was “oh ptsd, oh okay” and I moved on. It was several days after I sent him my last message that occurred to me to look up ptsd because I was beyond bonkers why he had just stopped talking when the relationship was soooooo f*cking good on all aspects (mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually) and that was when I found this site and vast information that it provides....and that I’m not alone having a ptsd partner pushed for such an intense short term relationship and then just disappeared.

He wasn’t responding to me for a week. I had no idea what we were, if we were together or not. This was again before I knew about ptsd. So yes I gave him a choice, to talk for closure or to remain silent. He chose to remain silent when he clearly promised me he’d give me a good bye no matter what. After Memorial Day came, all his promises were broken. Again, I had no idea about isolation/avoidance when triggered and clearly Memorial Day was a trigger.

To add, we never said any mean thing to each other. We had some misunderstandings, that for the life of me I still don’t understand why we couldn’t get over no matter how much we talked. It was like he was stubborn to not forgive the situation when I had already moved on and asked to make up. He was never aggressive with me and our spats were loving, just us both expressing how things made us feel. Not a single insult was ever said. So I can’t even fathom why things have become this way, but I guess I’ll never know.

And even right now, if he just reaches out to me, all is forgiven on my part. I’m not upset at him; I understand why now so I understand his ptsd drives all his decision but really it doesn’t have to be this difficult. I can add value to his life by being a friend, give him support and love and comfort (without the drama and responsibility of a relationship) with my knowledge of ptsd now—why is that not worth it? That he prefers to lose me forever?

@EveHarrington we were together 3 months. It’s been 15 days since my last message to him. 15 days is a long time when he couldn’t go a few hours without me before.

Should I delete him from my online communities? We are still on friends lists there and see each other online everyday.

I also went on vacation for 10 days with some family, so we didn’t get to talk much and it further ruined our relationship. When I got back, he stopped talking.

 

[WTF Happened]

@AllConfused long enough to be embarrassed to say :)

It’s been a couple years, but it’s not like I’m a wreck every day. I go through phases where the pain gets brought back up for whatever reason, or no reason, and that’s when you’ll see me pop back up on this site. For this time, I had a really upsetting email exchange with my ex (our first communication in two years).

The truth is, we never get over them. My therapist likes to remind me that this kind of intense, emotionally jarring experience gets filed away in the brain and body differently than normal breakups. So the hurt may always be there, but you learn to live with it, become stronger for doing so, until eventually what once felt like your whole body being on fire starts to feel like a slight ache. Like if you had a bad knee injury, it heals but you’ll always feel a little something when you go for a run.

That’s what I’m working towards anyway. I am somewhere in between body on fire and slight tickle in knee :)

For you, my advice would be to take many deep breaths, lie down, and just feel your body on fire. Feel all of the pain and confusion and unanswered questions, but don’t try to make sense of any of it. Feel the frustration of not being able to make sense of it, for sure! But right now this is fresh, it’s okay that you’re not okay, and the best thing you can do is sit through the pain. The only way out is through.

 

[anthony]

I was unaware of how severe ptsd is

PTSD is a sliding scale, from annoying enough to impact your daily life just enough to notice, to severe, with severe symptoms, often of which sufferers deny to themselves, let alone another.

Most military and childhood PTSD is at the severe end, due to the complications associated with both types. One has training to create symptoms before PTSD itself, the other embeds symptoms as part of the person from early development.

PTSD can be totally recovered for most. Not all though. And even a good top 20% may take until late in life, where basically age becomes the recovery process.

 

[Butterfly64]

PTSD isn't fair. It's a shit show for everyone involved. That's part of what it is -- a lack of ability to have the emotions and relationships that you think you deserve...and that is for both the sufferer and the supporter.


I think this might be the part that is so hard to wrap the mind around. What you think of as common decency may be missing because hes just an ass - nothing to do with ptsd. Or it may be that the ptsd made him think he WAS being decent. He felt what he said he felt, and meant what he said he meant. Then something makes the ptsd kick in. Chances are high it was nothing to do with you. but once that happens for me everything changes. I can still say the words I'm supposed to say, but I don't feel them anymore. But of course I can't say that, because I can't explain what is happening. So no matter what I say I'm screwed.

I think it's important to understand it's not a always choice to bail. I totally disconnect from everything and everyone around me - but I don't do it on purpose. It happens TO me. My brain just shuts off. So the idea of following rules of how to treat other people just don't register. And if people start bla blahing at me about not behaving "correctly" it pisses me off because I have no idea what they are talking about.

PTSD is a monster that swallows up the humanity you used to have and leaves a shell behind. Sometimes you can still "be" a person, but it's damn hard to maintain. And you always tell yourself it won't happen again. Then it does. So you have to find supporters who are ok with that push/pull cycle and not everyone can do it. I quite frankly can't understand how my supporters get thru it...but they are all people who have been around since long before my diagnosis. It's how they know me -- as a bit of a freak. The diagnosis was just a confirmation of why.

You got caught up in something horrible and yes, it's unfair and leaves you with so many questions that can't be answered. But that's not because of YOU. If he bailed because of the ptsd then asking why is like asking why the sky is blue. There's a whole bunch of scientific answers but the easy one is -- it just is.

Amen to that! I am sure my sufferer was serious when he wanted a relationship with me at the beginning....two years later we were still together, but he kept saying, he was single...that he could not take responsibility for anybody but himself.

We were friends for four years before we hooked up and I had NO idea he had PTSD! I only knew that all the assaults he suffered had affected him mentally and that it had affected his memory...that he forgets things. We had been together app. seven months when he first mentioned PTSD. I don’t think he didn’t mention it deliberately...he just doesn’t like talking about it. Anyway...I think he really wanted a relationship....but he wasn’t able to go through with it. About a month ago he suddenly said in regards to relationship....I wanted you for three years before I finally got you and then things didn’t just fall into place for me. So, he expected everything to fall into place when he finally had me...that his PTSD....his anxieties would vanish....that his fixed idea about “all relationships have an expiration date so why even bother entering a relationship” would just vanish into thin air! But with PTSD that is obviously not how it works.
I have been frustrated and confused....why would he say he wanted a relationship and then a few weeks later say...I am crazy about you, but I will remain single for the rest of my life. I have been pissed, sad, confused and have pushed him too far. He would disappear for a week or so whenever I got too close to him. Mind you...he would only disappear from me...not from family and friends...that made me crazy! But the thing is...it was not until I found this Forum that I realized what he is going through....and I have finally let go of him...it is not easy, but two years in Limbo for both of us is enough. I know he craves me like he has never craved any woman before...but he feels guilty towards me and everybody for not being who he was before CPSD.
The point is...when sufferes are in a good place I am sure they mean every word they say...I want this to work, I will never leave you...and so on. And as for not telling about PTSD...that is a tricky one...obviously the fair thing would be to just tell it....but obviously it isn’t as simple as that for some people....and I totally get that!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think it's important to understand it's not a always choice to bail. I totally disconnect from everything and everyone around me - but I don't do it on purpose. It happens TO me. My brain just shuts off. So the idea of following rules of how to treat other people just don't register. And if people start bla blahing at me about not behaving "correctly" it pisses me off because I have no idea what they are talking about.

This! Totally this!

 

[AllConfused]

I just wish he would have said “I want to end things”. It would have made a world of difference for me. The “I want you in my life, I don’t want to lose you, i want to work things out” made me believe he did. The disappearing without goodbye is just the absolute worst for me...crushingly painful.

I’m not even sure if this wound would heal completely now. I can see @WTF Happened 's hasn’t after several years. And had I known any of this, I would have stopped him so we could just remain as friends.

I still think of him when I first wake up, wanting him to just reach out one time so we can square it away...but I know that isn’t going to happen. I wish I can just erase this.

 

[WTF Happened]

One day at a time, @AllConfused. Maybe he'll reach out again. Maybe he won't. And if he doesn't, it's going to feel like the end of the world for a while (but it won't be).

The reason it feels like the end of the world at first is because it's not just heartbreak, it's lifebreak. It doesn't just mess with everything you know about love and relationships, it messes with your reality.

Up to now, you couldn't fathom someone's feelings suddenly turning off like this, because there is typically a slower degradation of feelings or someone has done something terribly wrong and hurtful to justify it in normal relationships.

You couldn't fathom the person you thought you knew so well seeming to turn into a completely different person, because even in the worst of breakups, there is some consistency to their person - they might act like an asshole, but you can still recognize them.

You couldn't fathom someone who told you all these amazing things about you and your relationship discarding you so easily.

You couldn't fathom someone who seemed to love, trust, and respect you, not even giving you the decency of an explanation. Not because they have to justify their choices, but because it's the kind and respectful thing to do. And after sharing such a deep connection, that's the kind of thing that would happen in a normal relationship.

It feels like everything you knew about life is wrong. But it's not. It's just contained to this crazy situation.

 

[AllConfused]

One day at a time, @AllConfused. Maybe he'll reach out again. Maybe he won't. And if he doesn't, it's going to feel like the end of the world for a while (but it won't be).

The reason it feels like the end of the world at first is because it's not just heartbreak, it's lifebreak. It doesn't just mess with everything you know about love and relationships, it messes with your reality.

Up to now, you couldn't fathom someone's feelings suddenly turning off like this, because there is typically a slower degradation of feelings or someone has done something terribly wrong and hurtful to justify it in normal relationships.

You couldn't fathom the person you thought you knew so well seeming to turn into a completely different person, because even in the worst of breakups, there is some consistency to their person - they might act like an asshole, but you can still recognize them.

You couldn't fathom someone who told you all these amazing things about you and your relationship discarding you so easily.

You couldn't fathom someone who seemed to love, trust, and respect you, not even giving you the decency of an explanation. Not because they have to justify their choices, but because it's the kind and respectful thing to do. And after sharing such a deep connection, that's the kind of thing that would happen in a normal relationship.

It feels like everything you knew about life is wrong. But it's not. It's just contained to this crazy situation.

Yesss, this is exactly it. My mind just can’t compute any of it. I don’t want to ache but sometimes it just hurts too much to repress.

Thank you @WTF Happened.

 

[Friday]

I’m not even sure if this wound would heal completely now

Can we put this in perspective a bit?

You dated someone for a 2 months, and broke up. The worst that happened was that he didn’t call you back

(After you gave him the option of not calling you back. So he didn’t even dick you around, or just vanish with no warning leaving you worried/wondering about what may have happened, but took you at your word.)

Absolutely, some people are so utterly amazing that they can come into our lives for the barest of moments and change us from that moment onward. Others, we’ll simply always remember.

(And clearly, some people are so terrible that the same is true. But as no one was raped, murdered, tortured, abused, etc. we’re looking at the wonderful side of things, not the terrible. Bloke has had an effect on your life not because he did something terrible to you, but because you loved him.)

You can choose to view this as a wound you may never heal from (I wouldn’t suggest it) or you could look at the lessons you’ve learned &/or are learning. The lessons we choose to take from life are highly individual, but far from outside of our own direction. Some come easily/naturally, others we have to work for, but the lessons we choose to learn? Will shape us into the people we will become. How we look at things, what we take from situations good & bad, what makes us stronger or breaks us. Meaning the following is hardly a complete list, because I’m the one writing it rather than you, and is just a few things from reading your posts.

- Falling in love can feel THIS good :D
- Even if that person isn’t the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, or even the next year with, or is even completely wrong for you... the intoxicating rush of new love can still feel THIS good :D
- (So you can expect to feel this way, again, at least once if not several more times as you’re dating people IE The bar just got raised.)
- When we’re dating, the bar DOES get raised, by different people in different ways. The first time we fall head over heels in love. The first time we have a real partner. The first time ABC-XYZ.
- A few months into a relationship is very early days / you really don’t know the person, yet.
- Getting to know someone takes time / has to be experienced & lived.
- Getting to know someone else teaches us about ourselves (what we actually need and want, instead of what we think we might want, but haven’t experienced, yet.)
- Learnig what we actually need/want (in a relationship, in a partner, in ourselves) also teaches us our priorities. How much value do we place in those things / what’s a big deal to us & what isn’t. In ourselves, our partners, and our relationships.
- Sometimes we find out we were wrong (about the other person, about ourselves, or about the relationship), and that’s okay. Disappointing, for sure, but a zillion times better than sacrificing and being miserable for the sake of clinging to an idea / refusing to admit we were wrong, instead of adapting to the reality.
- etc.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Friday I think your post could be helpful to @AllConfused once she's clear of the initial blast. But right now I don't think she needs to hear, "Relax, it wasn't that bad."

Of course, a breakup's not as bad as a rape or murder. But pain is pain, when you're in it. When you're violently sick with a stomach flu, does the fact that other people are dying of cancer make you feel any better?

I personally think your list at the end is lovely.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@WTF Happened I think you way misinterpreted what @Friday wrote because you have your own issues with a PTSD breakup.

Of course, a breakup's not as bad as a rape or murder.

She wasn’t saying get over it, nobody got murdered.

She was discussing how people can have an impact on our lives even if they’re only in them briefly. They can have good impacts or bad ones.

(And clearly, some people are so terrible that the same is true. But as no one was raped, murdered, tortured, abused, etc. we’re looking at the wonderful side of things, not the terrible.

Even if the breakup sucks, he wasn’t a monster who purposely abused her for dastardly reasons.

So why swear off love after a brief relationship that didn’t work out, especially if it was mostly happy?

 

[LuckiLee]

Why have you (all of you) given the power of your happiness to someone else? You should be the one in control of your happiness and emotions.

Life is too short to dwell over a breakup.
Relationships are a learning experience. We learn. We grow. We sometimes have to move on. Life goes on.

You all learned what you do and don't want in a relationship. I'd take that as a win.

Good luck.