Supporter Help! I Think His Ptsd Is Contagious.

[not again]

I have been with my bf who has PTSD for over a year now. He told me about it in the beginning. We met online and didn't actually meet in person for a couple of months. At first I thought this guy is a weirdo but he is really funny, He is a Christian, very good looking . Our first date I fell in love with his smile. He had a sort of devilish/boyish look about him. A prankster and loves to scare me. I didn't see any thing wrong. As our relationship progressed and I introduced him to my friends I noticed he was very clingy...always touching, holding hands, rubbing shoulders. It was nice. I loved it! Then one day he locked me in our room, barricaded the doors, and held a razor to my throat. I remained calm and made it through the night and promptly told him to leave the next day when he sobered up. Since then it's been a rollercoaster. I know he isn't that monster but he controls, lies, runs everyone off, has some reason to hate everyone....sometimes even me. Calls me a dummy and threatens me. Tells me I'm a waste of air. Then next thing you know it's like nothing ever happened and I'm supposed to just?????? I'm disappointed in myself. I'm supposed to be strong. I have already lived through so much myself!!! I lost a child! So I say suck it up!!! Stop! I'm tired! Stop hurting me. I love you.

 

[anthony]

Unfortunately mental illness is not as easy as sucking it up. I wish it were... it would negate the need for you to be asking this question here in the first place / venting about what is going on in your life.

So I take it he's a combat veteran? Alcohol is not advised, period, because it will numb anything he feels and likely allow him to regress to flashbacks or such of actual events, thus you endup with a razor to your throat and scared for your life.

PTSD isn't contagious... but yes, being around someone with uncontrolled PTSD can cause you to get symptoms of PTSD, and if traumatised by the PTSD sufferer over and over, such as what you have experienced, then yes, you get PTSD too from all the trauma. That is called secondary PTSD, being you got PTSD from the abuse of a PTSD sufferer. It is spousal / family based.

I think you have lots of talking to do with him, and ultimately you get to make your choices on whether or not you continue life with him. PTSD doesn't go away. You can treat it, you can heal trauma... but it will raise its head forever once you have it.

I'm sorry that you ended up with a razor to your throat... it isn't as controllable for him as you might think, and it will take him time and hard work.

 

[not again]

He has been through lots of therapy. He wasn't in a war. Its from a car accident at 14. He also had an incident where he was chased and shot at guys. He went to juvenile center over that. I understand it won't go away. I'm just venting. I have nobody to talk to. He ran everybody off and trying to talk to him sets him off. He wants to hide from the world and he wants me to hide with him. I sometimes wonder if I am just a tool to help him not have to ace the world. So much has happened recently. He got arrested twice for child support and then the consequences of messing up his being a hermit. He wrecked my car. He isn't handling it well.

 

[anthony]

These cycles can be ugly, no doubt about it. I'm just glad you are getting support for you... and yes, supporters can absolutely be the problem, and/or solution, for a partner with PTSD. They can hinder their progress, become traumatised themselves and thus as angry and bitter, suddenly you have an abusive two-sided relationship which all started from the PTSD sufferer, as the supporter stuck around thinking they could change them OR that they would change and not be abusive.

It can absolutely get ugly and very cyclic with more and more issues occurring. Support yourself, is really essential for anyone choosing to live with someone with PTSD.

 

[not again]

Thank you. I think I know what I need to do for now. I feel like we are 2 chameleons living in a very small tank. Each of us have moods and we seem to get stuck in a bad rut. I guess it's up to me to change my color. You gave me a boost! He really is a good person. We have both been through so much I think we are both very needy in the love department. I'm going to find my smile. "Suck it up" lol

 

[anthony]

If you can communicate what you feel with him, and get him to communicate what he feels, then you're both hopefully going to do less yelling and damage to your relationship, and more togetherness work. Obviously that requires both parties, and hopefully you can get him to step-up if he wants a relationship with you.

I get it... relationships are really hard with PTSD, and damn it can test the best of them.

 

[nursenurse]

The guy locks you in a room and holds a razor to your throat. What is wrong with this picture???? Demand more for yourself, this isn't something to be trifled with, and an "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it here. PTSD or not, this is dangerous behaviour. I don't care if he was drunk. This is not behaviour to be sucked up.

 

[Nicolette]

He really is a good person.

Having been in your shoes, at the end of the day you have to weigh up the pros and cons along with the cost of the relationship upon yourself as selfish as that may sound. Being in a relationship with a PTSD Sufferer, based on experience, comes at a high price so my advice to you is to work out (before you have too much invested) whether you can cope with what is happening now over and over, unpredictable and untimely events, which have resounding effects on you and those around you. I never had any idea - I was quite naive actually. Yes I read the literature but that was nothing in comparison to the reality.

He isn't handling it well.

Has a huge impact on you.... as you are at the mercy of the sometimes irrational, illogical and unpredictable hands of someone with PTSD. Only you know the answers as to how much you can take and whether he is worth it or not. That being said, he may still do things which crush you to the core of your existence without a blink of an eyelid and you have to work out what is the illness and you can accept and what is him and not acceptable.

Good luck.

 

[not again]

Communication is what I am struggling with now. If I try and fail then I just shut down and my house gets really clean. My friends tell me I'm the strongest person they know. That's why I understand PTSD. I know that if at any point I could find the exit...I would be running for it yelling hallelujah!!!!! But life sometimes throws you some challenges. Sudden infant death, husband on meth, child with autism, fatal car crashes that take away loved ones, kids reaching out with mental illness, and now PTSD. I will be "strong"

 

[not again]

You are very right nurse. I never thought that being a strong and intelligent woman I would find myself here. And nicollette, exactly!!! Men are sometimes pigs PTSD or not. That's been bugging me a lil bit....or maybe a whole freakin lot!!!

 

[nursenurse]

Listen to that part. Razor blade to throat. Barricaded in room. Drunk. There is nothing in this world that will convince me that this is justifiable, PTSD or not. Not to mention that name calling wears you down. Sticks and stones is stupid. Names will be internalized if you hear them often enough over a period of time. would you accept this from a non PTSD person? Highly doubt it, and if you would, you would need some serious counselling as to why you would accept such shoddy behaviour from anyone. The threat of violence is never right, even when drunk. If your sister, mother, BFF came to you with that info, I doubt you would pat her on the back and say"there there. Suck it up, it is all okay". Why would you here??? You are worth more than that, start believing it and acting it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good people don't hold razor blades to other people's throats.

Maybe you should visit a domestic violence support site. I bet 99% of those women would say the same, at one point they thought their guy was a good guy.

From a sufferers point of view, you don't want PTSD. Consider yourself one of the lucky few who actually gets an advanced warning. If you end up on this side of the fence, it'll be a helluva long time before you forgive yourself for allowing yourself to get this disorder.